To Annoy a Mockingbird
by BF110C4
Summary: When Daria was 8 years old she read "To Kill a Mockingbird", now she is ready to face Lawndale High School with a slighty different outlook on life.
1. Chapter 01: A New Nest

To Annoy a Mockingbird. 

Chapter 01: A new nest 

Disclaimer: Daria and associated characters are owned by MTV and Viacom. This is fan fiction written for entertainment only. No money or other negotiable currency or goods have been exchanged. Special thanks to the Outpost Daria for the Transcripts available there, they were invaluable tools for the development of this chapter, and in the future I hope I can be less reliant on them. This chapter is dedicated to peetz5050 for his invaluable efforts proof reading this chapter.

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

Eight years ago…

The little girl was sitting in one of the chairs of the living room, farther away friends of her sister were chatting and laughing, once more Quinn had hijacked her birthday party.

Knowing from past experiences that if she started opening her presents no one would care about it, Daria went to the small table near the door where her parents had put the packages in a more or less neat pile. She ignored those presents brought by the other children, most of them Quinn's friends, save for a few other members of her class who were forced by their parents to come. They were probably filled with useless stuff like dolls and make-up kits, Quinn would steal them in a few days anyway.

While looking for the usual envelopes filled with money from either grandmother she found a suspiciously shaped package, one that looked like a book, which was weird since her parents had stopped giving her books for her birthdays, hoping that such things like balls and table games would encourage her to socialize more.

The card attached didn't have much information on it, just the usual From: Rita; To: Daria. And once she had gotten rid of the wrapping, she discovered a pink book with a photo of a bird flying away from a hollow tree which contained a clock and string; its title. "To kill a mockingbird" by Harper Lee.

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

"Girls, I just want you to know your mother and I realize it's not easy moving to a whole new town… especially for you, Daria, right?"

"Did we move?" The question as obnoxious as it sounded was from her point of view quite valid, her mother was as much of a workaholic as ever, maybe even more; Quinn was the same self-centered brat who decided to exchange her brain for a couple of shiny shoes; and her dad, well he kept trying. Probably the school would have the same kind of morons that Highland had, just with a different accent and less dust.

"I'm just saying you don't make friends as easily as... uh, some people." God as a witness her father did try.

As Quinn was turning the radio up, Daria asked. "Quinn, for instance?"

"That's not what I meant... necessarily." Turning the radio off. "The point is, the first day at a new school is bound to be difficult..."

"Dad, don't worry about it, I'm sure I will find a secluded spot far away from people to start plotting my revenge against humanity"

Distracted by his eldest's answer her father could only give an uncertain response just at the moment that they finally arrived to Lawndale High School, which was going to become their prison away from her homely padded room. "Uh, where was I? Oh, yeah... Don't get upset if it takes the other kids a little while to warm up to you."

It was at this point that Quinn left the car, just to be mobbed by the future Sycophants of America, the so called popular kids giving Daria's baby sister a warm welcome.

Steeling herself then Daria proceeded to leave the car as well. But not without favoring her father with one last sarcastic remark. "I'll try to help Quinn through this difficult period of adjustment Dad, don't worry. See you later"

She then left the vehicle, ghosting through the sea of people surrounding her sister without anyone giving her a second glance.

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

After arriving at the administrative offices of the school, she, alongside her sister and a few other new students, were given a tour by no other than Angela Li, LHS principal, who then committed the kids to the not so tender love of Miss Manson, the school's appointed psychologist. The meeting was a textbook example of hate at first sigh between Daria and the not quite doctor.

The meeting started with the wrong foot just by forcing her to do the five minutes psychological exam alongside her sister. At that moment she got her stenographer notebook, ready to record the entire session. At the very least, she was going to have enough fresh examples of Quinn's antics to write about later.

In that sense she was disappointed, since once more her popularity obsession was covered by her mindless prattle, and the reactions from Manson were even less promising, all but ignoring the signs of craziness and boy madness her sister weaved out of the displayed image. Good to know that this school had someone on the payroll to approve her desire for new slaves to praise their goddess.

At that point, while drawing on the notebook a series of circles and lines seemingly at random, Daria decided that if this wasn't taken seriously by anyone in the room, then it shouldn't be taken seriously by her. The fact that the fraud was getting her first name wrong wasn't a factor at all, not at all…

"Very good, Quinn! Now, Dora, let's see if you can make up a story as vivid as your sister's."

"It's Daria."

"I'm sorry... Daria. What do you see in the picture, Dara, and what is that in your hand?

While holding her notebook up high Daria responded in a serious monotone. "This is a notebook, it is used to write, as for your first question, Um... a herd of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plains."

It was so much fun baiting people who got their degree from a correspondence course.

"Uh, there aren't any ponies. It's two people. And what are you writing?"

"Last time I took one of these tests, they told me they were clouds. They said they could be whatever I wanted. And I'm recording every word we have been saying from the moment you opened the door til right now"

"That's a different test. In this test, they're people, and you tell me what they're discussing." Completely missing the fact that Daria had confessed her previous experience on this kind of tests. "And you should take this seriously instead of doodling."

"Oh... This is shorthand gibberish for the short minded. All right, then. It's a guy and a girl and they're discussing... a herd of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plains.

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

After that it was time to find history class under Anthony Demartino, a neurotic professor with a low tolerance of morons and a jumping eye. After the usual introductions said teacher took the decision to test her on the material.

"Daria, can you concisely and unemotionally sum up for us the doctrine of Manifest Destiny?"

"Manifest Destiny was a slogan popular in the 1840's. It was used by people who claimed it was God's will for the U.S. to expand all the way to the Pacific Ocean, this belief was what let to the Oregon Treaty of 1846, the annexation of Texas, California and Nuevo México, and of course to expand into the west through the nominally legal, by United States law, purchase of Native American land in treaties to the dislike of the people already living there."

Once her credentials as a Brain were properly, if suspiciously accepted, Demartino continued his interrogatory with a couple of morons who were the main promoters of the theory that an Intelligent Jock is truly an oxymoron. No wonder his eye was trying to escape the room, her IQ was already leaving her after hearing their answers.

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

It seemed that in a single day, in a scenario worst that any nightmare in recent memory, Quinn had managed to find a group of similar minded peers to interact in her chosen environment, the bloody sport that was the High School Social Arena. And to know that there were enough popularity and clothes obsessed drones in the school to have something called 'The Fashion Club' was worthy of a night of insomnia in her book.

"What about you, Daria? How was your first day?" And now was her turn in the rack.

"Well, my history teacher hates me because I know all the answers, but there are some interesting idiots in my class."

"That's great!" Her father might not listen, but he did try to encourage me.

"Daria, your father's trying to tell you not to judge people until you know them. You're in a brand-new school in a brand-new town. You don't want it to be Highland all over again." Her mother on the other hand was always doing full scale damage control on her nonexistent social life.

"Not much chance of that happening... unless there's uranium in the drinking water here, too."

"I'm talking about you making a friend or two. Don't be so critical. Give people the benefit of the doubt."

"It all boils down to trust. And you know how much I trust others."

"Exactly, it all boils down to trust. Show a little trust and you'll go far."

"But I don't want to go far, the school is ten minutes on foot"

It was at this moment that the phone chose to ring; As always it was Helen who got up to answer it.

"God, I hope that's not the booster society again." Quinn as charitable as always…

"Hello? ... Yes. … Uh, yes, she's my daughter. … I see. Listen, will this require any parent-teacher conferences or anything, and if so, is this the sort of thing my assistant can handle? … Okay, great. Bye!"

"You girls took a psychological test at school today?" This was Mom's question after hanging the phone.

"They said we wouldn't be graded!"

"Daria, they want you to take a special class for a few weeks, then they'll test you again."

"You flunked the test?" Quinn questioned using her usual tact.

"She didn't flunk anything. It seems she has low self-esteem."

"What? That really stinks, Daria!"

"Easy, Jake. Focus." Then speaking to Daria. "We tell you over and over again that you're wonderful and you just... don't... get it! Slamming her hand on the table. "What's wrong with you?"

"Is she going to have, like, a breakdown or something? 'Cause that could really mess me up with my new friends."

At this point Daria gave her opinion on the matter. "Don't worry. I don't have low self-esteem. It's a mistake. It seems that Miss Manson is not only incompetent, she is also vindictive"

"What do you mean, Daria? You cannot blame the psychologist for your problems, you should know that." Helen was still running on the previous message adrenalin, and it was evident she wasn't happy with her eldest's attitude.

"It means that Miss Manson is someone who can't remember my first name and distinguish sarcasm from anguish. It is no wonder I have low esteem for everyone else."

At this point while getting her stenographer notebook out of her green jacket and tearing a couple of pages from it, Daria answered her mother's statement.

Throwing a last remark while slamming the pages on the table Daria growled while leaving the room. "Why don't you ask your assistant to translate this for you, and then ask me who to blame for my troubles, mom?"

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

In self-esteem class a teacher who had introduced himself as Mr. O'Neill sat at the front desk, giving the memorized introduction to the workshop to a half-dozen students scattered throughout the room.

"Esteem... a teen. They don't really rhyme, do they? The sounds don't quite mesh. And that, in fact, is often the case when it comes to a teen and esteem. The two just don't seem to go together. But we are here to begin realizing your actuality..."

Jane was watching the new girl who yesterday had answered Demartino's question with such flair, she was a curious one; doodling wickedly fast on a small notebook from right to left. And, unless she was wrong, there was a method to the chicken scratches on the paper.

"…and when we do, each and every one of you will be able to stand proudly and proclaim, 'I am.' Now, before we…"

"Excuse me. I have a question."

"Sorry, question and answer time is later."

"I want to know what 'realizing your actuality' means."

"It means... look, just let me get through this part, okay? Then there'll be a video!" 'Poor girl' thought Jane, she was trying to understand Mr. O'Neill, when Mr. O'Neill wasn't able to understand it himself.

"Before we unlock your potential..."

It was at this point that Jane took pity on the new prisoner, leaning forward to explain the facts of life to the girl in green she murmured "He doesn't know what it means. He's got the speech memorized. Just enjoy the nice man's soothing voice."

"How am I supposed to follow him if I don't know what he's talking about?" Wasn't that impressive, even when she turned to talk with her, the girl was still doodling -writing?- those circles and lines at break-neck speed.

"I can fill you in later. I've taken this course six times."

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

Just as promised Jane, while walking to her home after a brief introduction between the Lovely Art Chick and the Budding Writer from Texas, gave Daria the full explanation of the gulag known as the Workshop for Self-Esteem and Auto-realization.

"So, then, after the role-playing, next class they put the girls and the guys in separate rooms and a female counselor talks to us about body image."

"What do they talk to the boys about?"

"A classroom full of guys and a male teacher?" At this point both girls stopped walking and in unison voiced their thoughts. "Nocturnal emissions."

As they resumed walking, Jane wondered about just how fast she had clicked together with Daria.

"I don't get it, Jane. You've got the entire course memorized. How come you can't pass the test to get out?"

"I could pass the test, but I like having low self-esteem. It makes me feel special." Plus it allowed her to study the freaks that Manson and Li had thrown there to avoid been seen by the rest of the school, including that weird art freak, of course.

"Well, there is Casa Lane, see you tomorrow Daria"

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

After her illuminating talk with Jane, Daria arrived home just in time to be surprised by her mother in the living room, more than three hours earlier than usual.

"Hi, honey."

"Mom? You feeling all right? It's not even 5:00 yet."

"I'm taking the rest of the day off, Marianne translated your transcription of the meeting with Miss Manson. She is very impressed with your Gregg Shorthand; she had to get the Gregg Shorthand Anniversary Edition from the firm's library to get all of your symbols."

"Then you should already know that Manson is as much of a psychologist as I'm a cheerleader."

"What I know is that you treated the test without the respect and seriousness it was due"

"I gave it the same level of seriousness as Dora and Dara, if someone can't or won't use my name for a meeting then I will not show then more respect than that. Plus I had my doubts of her competence from her treatment of Quinn's answers."

"Quinn's answers are not what we are talking about, while I'm not too happy about them, she does have the expectation of privacy in this kind of tests. And before you ask, since you gave me the transcription, then you gave me your consent. Haven't you thought that the reason you're taking this course is due to your ridiculous answer about ponies."

"Yes, my answer wasn't the most polite one, and if she was offended then she should have assigned me a detention, but at no point of the exam did I show anything near a lack of self-esteem, and the moment she send me there she showed either a lack of competence or a lack of professionalism." 

Sighing, then Helen answered in a calmer tone. "I'll talk with the school later, but I don't think they will accept your transcription as evidence, and you can't deny that at least part of this whole mess is your fault anyway."

Then suddenly becoming happier, Helen continued. "Well now that I'm here earlier, I guess it's time to bond with my eldest daughter.

'Uh-oh' Daria realized what was coming. "Mom, I'm in the care of experts. Any meddling by an amateur could be dangerous."

"I don't pretend I'm going to cure you, but if a lack of mother-daughter bonding is part of your problem, we're going to remedy that right now. Plus I need some new clothes for the office."

The rest of the afternoon was spent in Cashman's Department Store, buying a number of business suits for Helen, and even a couple of formal clothes for Daria. It was the ideal bonding activity between mother and daughter… If said daughter's name was Quinn Morgendorffer.

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

Daria and Jane are walking down the hall; they pass Quinn and some boy talking by the lockers, discussing her favorite subject: Quinn.

"So... like, what do you like to do after school?"

"Oh, nothing special. Go to the movies... or, like, a theme park... or out for a really fancy meal now and then... or maybe go to a concert, if, like, I know somebody's got good seats and is renting a limo and stuff."

"You hear that? He hasn't got a prayer." To Jane, Quinn's expectations sounded ridiculous.

"Tell me about it. That's my sister."

"Oh. Bummer."

"So, you've got any brothers or sisters?"

"I'm an only child."

After hearing this Daria gets a sour look on her face, Jane did hear coming from her lips the words breach, accord, revenge. She suspected that Quinn should fear her not-a-sister's reaction.

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

A week ago Jane would have seen the Self-Esteem class as nothing more than an opportunity to do a cheap character study for some or her paintings and sculptures, a neutral time with no value positive or negative whatsoever, other than for the occasional cramming prior to exams, when she could get O'Neill to babble the tests' answers for an easy B, yet now she was having something resembling fun, passing a drawing of an ice cream cone with O'Neill's face on it, being attacked by a rabid wolf back and forth, each time adding nastier events to the picture.

"So, what are we talking about when we talk about ourselves? Anyone?" Pointing to a boy. "Yes."

"We're... talking about us!"

"Excellent! When we talk about 'ourselves' we're talking about 'us.' Now, guys, I've got a little challenge for you. Today we talked about turning your daydreams into reality. Tonight, I want each one of you to go home and do just that. What do you say? Um... you." Pointing to Daria. "What's a daydream that you'd like to see come true?"

"Well, I guess I'd like my whole family to do something together."

"Excellent!"

"Something that'll really make them suffer. But where am I going to get a rusty axe at this time of the day?"

"Uh... it's healthy to air these feelings... I think." Then O'Neill was saved from facing his inner Chihuahuas by the bell "We'll talk more about this tomorrow. Class dismissed."

"Nice one." For Jane it was always a pleasure to see a master making other people miserable.

"Thanks. Do you have a rusty axe?"

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

At Daria's house, the family is eating dinner, discussing the relevant parts of the day, as always the conversation is far from peaceful.

"How's the old self-esteem coming, kiddo?"

"My self-esteem teacher says that being addressed all my life with childish epithets like "kiddo" is probably a key source of my problem." She had to wonder if maybe with enough negative reinforcement her father would be less willing to try to help with her self-esteem problems and would instead try something more realistic, like charging at windmills. (tilting at windmills?)

"Really?" Dad was really distressed by the answer, time to end the joke. "No."

"Isn't she great? She's the greatest."

"She sure is." Helen had been watching her daughter play mind games with her father once more; thankfully she cut it off before she was forced to intervene. Now it was time to talk shop. "Daria I talked to the school today about what we discussed yesterday, dear I'm sorry but Principal Li tells me that she implicitly trusts Miss Manson, and that the graduation from the course is the sole responsibility of Professor Timothy O'Neill."

"Um… So to end this charade I just need to get O'Neill to sign my release from the Nut House for weepy children. I can work with that." A half smile resembling the one from a certain portrait by an Italian artist appeared on her face.

"Dear, don't forget that criminal trials are far less fun from the defense chair"

"Ok, I'll try to pin the blame on someone else first mom, hey Quinn can we talk upstairs?" At this point both girls took the chance to escape the parents' usual interrogatory.

"Quinn, one of the things that my Self-esteem advisor told me today is that I should think back to circumstances that brought me happiness as a child and replicate them... but I suppose you're here to stay."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You ought to know. You're the only child."

"How would you like to have a sister with a... a 'thing'!"

"I know what that feels like Sis, I also know that you broke our accord. What you should know is that now I will have my payback, and since I don't have Beavis and Butt-head around it means that I will have to get creative about it."

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

After class Daria and Jane are in Jane's room listening to music on the stereo while watching the muted TV. Jane had told to her new friend of one show in the local network that she was bound to like, and since most things that Daria liked were things that turned the stomach of her parents she was invited once more to Casa Lane for an afternoon of not so wholesome fun.

"Show's on." At this point Jane clicks the music off and un-mutes the TV.

'And now, back to Sick, Sad World.'

'This is just astounding! Here you are, blind, deaf, and barely able to walk, yet you conducted simultaneous affairs with three members of the Royal Family! The question on all of America's mind is: how did you do it?'

'What?' The Old Man leans forward, obviously not hearing a thing.

"She doesn't get it. It's the Royal Family. You'd have to be blind."

"Good point. Did you knew that in Highland, Texas this show is banned"

"Really and what do people do in that place forgotten by the rest of the world to pass the time"

The TV image now shifts to an overview of a cheesy-looking U.F.O. convention. 'U.F.O. conventions, once sneered at as the domain of so-called "kooks," have become big, big business, drawing hundreds of thousands of people each year, people as sane and rational as you and I, who come simply to satisfy a normal curiosity.'

"Mostly Court TV replays and finding real freaks to watch in their natural habitat." Abruptly changing the theme of conversation then Daria asked. "You know all the answers to the questions on the release test, right?"

"I've got them in my notebook."

"Well, why don't we just take the test tomorrow and get out of the class once and for all?"

"How would I spend my afternoons?"

"U.F.O. conventions."

"Now you're talking."

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

In self-esteem class Mr. O'Neill is once again doing his best impression of a parrot with the children as witnesses to his lack of understanding of the basic objectives of the course.

"And so, for tomorrow, I want you to make a list of ten ways the world would be a sadder place if you weren't in it."

"Oh, Mr. O'Neill, Mr. O'Neill?"

"Yes, um... you."

"Is that if we'd never been born, or if we died suddenly and unexpectedly?" Now this was someone who had been on the course one times too many.

"Never been born. See you all tomorrow." 

As most of the kids usually left the classroom as soon as the bell rang if not earlier it was a surprise to see two females, one of them holding a small notebook and a pencil on her hands, staying behind.

"Hi! Did you need clarification on something we covered today?" Not that he was able to give such clarifications anyway but it was still his duty to ask.

While once more recording everything on shorthand Daria prepared the first salvo of their blitz. "We feel really good about ourselves."

"We want to take the graduation test." Jane was following the basic plan they had outlined the previous afternoon, to press forward and confuse the hell out of O'Neill so that he didn't ask himself just how were they able to cover the rest of the course on their self-esteem and if it actually mattered.

"Well! I'm glad your self-image meter is on the uptick! But there's still three more weeks of class left."

"This first week has been a real eye-opener. It must be the way you teach."

"Oh, well... thank you very much." To Jane. "You know, you look familiar somehow..."

"So can we take the test?"

"Well, it's not the way we usually do it, but... I guess so. Okay, question one: 'Self-esteem is important because...'"

"It's a quality that will stand us in good stead the rest of our lives."

"Very good. Now, 'the next time I start to feel bad about myself...'"

"Stand before the mirror, look myself in the eye and say, You are special. No one else is like you."

"You two really have been paying attention! Okay, 'there's no such thing...'"

"As the right weight." At this point their careful and methodical drill became apparent.

"Or the right height." Daria was complementing Jane's answers mid sentence. Just like creepy twins.

"There's only what's right for me." Jane was enjoying her little act, even if it gave Professor O'Neill an undeserved pride in his abilities as a teacher.

"Because me is who I am." On the other hand for Daria this was akin to the cross interrogation of a witness, Shock and Awe until they give you the answer you like.

"I don't think we have to go any farther. I am really pleased! I think the whole school needs to hear about this at assembly!"

It was a victory worthy of Pyrrhus; Daria mused to Jane in a few well chosen words "If we are victorious in one more battle, we shall be utterly ruined." Jane's answer is not the kind that could be said in polite company.

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

In the school auditorium Ms. Li is at the podium preparing everything for the assembly requested by Timothy. It was just so easy to throw the softhearted English teacher a bone from time to time, especially since he was so easy to manipulate for the good of Lawndale High, any other man would have asked for overtime in exchange for teaching an extracurricular class outside regular hours, he did it for the children. So she had taken as many teachers she could (only Coach Gibson, Mrs. Manson, and of course Mr. O'Neill) and then gathered as many students as possible. At least she would be able to do some announcements to fill the time.

"And once again, the bake sale was a tremendous success. We raised more than $400, which was subsequently stolen from the office, but I am confident we will get that money back. In a related note, the school nurse will be visiting homerooms tomorrow to collect DNA samples. Now, Mr. O'Neill has exciting news about our after-school self-esteem class."

(Mr. O'Neill stands and approaches the podium, to meager applause)

"This is really going to help me gradually ease me into student life." Daria was already thinking of different ways of humiliating herself to death, most of them included saying any word or none at all on the podium.

"Usually when I have this dream I'm wearing pink taffeta." Jane on the other hand was a little more used to be a freak in LHS.

"Thank you. You know, self-esteem is a little like your car's brake fluid. You may not even know you're low on it until, one day, you go to shift gears and nothing happens."

"That's transmission fluid!" As usual when putting a great number of unwilling teens in an enclosed space for a time they will resort to original ways to express their discomfort and in this case the reception of Timothy O'Neill was met with catcalls and stupid laughter from the audience.

"That's... what I said. Anyway, I'd like you to meet two students who have completed our self-esteem course faster than anyone ever before! Please join me in congratulations as I present these certificates of self-esteem to... Daria Morgendorffer and Jane Lane."

Only a meager halfhearted applause is given as response.

"Oh, what the hell." Jane boldly steps up to podium.

"I just want to say how proud I am today. Knowing that I have self-esteem gives me even more self-esteem." Feeling mischievous Jane glances at Daria with a smile, before turning on the anguish. "On the other hand, having all of you know that I had low self-esteem makes me feel... kind of bad... like a big failure or something."

At this point the audience starts to awaken; it seems that the assembly includes a free show in the entrance fee.

"I, uh, I want to go home. Her act ended with a heartfelt sob, complete with arm to forehead, before she flees the stage. O'Neill running behind her in hot pursuit"

It was Daria's turn, and now, after Jane's magnificent performance, she felt she was obliged to upstage it with some guided missiles of her own. It was after all a matter of honor, honor and vengeance.

"No one can battle a terrible problem like low self-esteem on their own. It takes the problem being detected on time, of which I'm grateful that Miss Margaret Manson, who only has an incomplete degree on Business Management and minimal training in the field of psychology yet she managed to find my difficulties with self-esteem as well as Dora's and Dara's…" Manson at this point was extremely flustered, trying to hide on her seat in the back of the podium, Li on the other hand looked furious. …good coaching...

Quinn was sitting in the audience, having been forced by Coach Gibson to come here after being found flirting after hours with the two boys at her side.

"Who cares about these losers?"

"Hey, beats algebra, though, doesn't it?" Then at Daria's remark about Manson he chortles and high-fives his buddy. "Did you hear that Quinn? That Manson gal was burned; and by a loser, man!"

"Burned down in flames."

"Funny. That's funny, Corey."

"...realize my actuality, which by the way I would still like to know what it means, Professor O'Neill was never able to tell me. Winning the fight against low self-esteem takes support... from teachers, from friends, and most of all, from family."

"Is that loser still talking?"

"And I am grateful for the support this class gave to me, especially when even my own sister, Quinn Morgendorffer denied my existence. At this point everyone who knew Quinn turns towards her, for once Quinn regretted working so hard to be known by everyone.

"I cannot blame her for not acknowledging me as a sister, I was too distant as an older sister, but this course showed me the errors of my ways, so I hope that I can from now on spend more time with her… if she'll still have me"

At this part the already mortified Quinn cringes and tries to burrow into her seat while most students, and even the few teachers on the podium look at her with emotions ranging from astonishment to disgust.

"That, like, brain is your sister?"

"Burned, burned down in flames man."

Daria finally leaves the podium, and then starts walking towards Quinn, sensing it was the time for the Coup de Grace, she leans down, hugs Quinn, and with a clear voice she proclaims her intentions. "Don't worry sis, we are going to be together from now on, inseparable."

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

That afternoon at Daria's house, Quinn had forced her sister upstairs the moment she had arrived from school after spending more than an hour doing damage control on her reputation. Luckily the teachers had only managed to catch a few popular kids for the assembly; most of the guys inside were other losers from the Self-Esteem class and geeky clubs.

"Daria, what the hell was that, my life is ruined, do you hear it? Ruined"

"That dear sister of mine is what I call retribution, it seems that you have forgotten our agreement regarding our interactions between third parties, and that denying my existence is an insult. This was payback, nothing more… yet"

"What do you mean with yet? Haven't you done enough? I'll have to lock myself in my room until I die! I'll never talk to anyone for the rest of my life!"

"You're right I'm satisfied with my revenge for the last few days of being an only child, but now that I've a baby sister I can't let alone, I want to kiss her and braid her hair, and I'm afraid I can do so only in school hours, and before she leaves for dates. And before you ask, no there is no point in the Accords regulating the affection shown between sisters, none of us ever thought we would need one"

"Ooooh! you… you…" Quinn was about to collapse, if her sister did that in front of the Fashion Club she was going to lose her Vice-Presidency, maybe even her membership. "What do you want?"

It was at this moment that the phone started ringing, interrupting the conversation "You better answer that, I'll write down the contract later."

"Hello? Matthew?"

The family was once more at the kitchen table, with Quinn still fuming about the incident at the assembly, but knowing better than to talk about it with her parents.

"…and with my speech at the assembly I was declared to have self-esteem and let free."

"Good for you, honey!"

"So, now you are no longer required to be in your self-esteem workshop?

"Nope, and before leaving I made sure they know that me being part of the class will be detrimental to their self-esteem."

"That's really… sweet, Daria."

Then after checking her clock she raised herself from the table, proclaiming. "Well, I have to leave for Jane's house if I want to get to the U.F.O. Convention in time for the Great Gray One arrival, see you."

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

This is a revised version of Chapter 01 done on 08/02/2012, the credit to this chapter goes to my first review on peetz5050 who mentioned many issues which I had ignored and then help me proofreading this chapter.

** I ** II ** III ** IV **


	2. Chapter 02: Being Part of the Human Herd

Chapter 02: Being part of the human herd.

Disclaimer: Daria and associated characters are owned by MTV and Viacom. This is fan fiction written for entertainment only. No money or other negotiable currency or goods have been exchanged. Special thanks to the Outpost Daria for the Transcripts available there, they were invaluable tools for the development of this chapter, and in the future I hope I can be less reliant on them.

This chapter is dedicated to peetz5050 for his invaluable efforts proof reading this chapter.

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

It seemed that after our little heart to heart discussion on the value of family a week ago Quinn was once more on the top of her game, and of course that means that she is once again trying to get rid of me.

"Stop following me, Daria. Why are you following me?"

"We go to the same school."

At that moment the latest, most extreme, and most pathetic of Quinn's thralls approached, willing to do anything and everything for her.

"Hey, Quinn, can I carry your books?"

"Hey, Quinn, can I carry your... pencil?"

"Hey, Quinn, can I carry your, uh, um... got anything else?"

I must admit, if there is anything Quinn is good at is to keep her puppies in line, she didn't hesitate for a second in getting him a weightless hair scrunchie to carry; keeping the balance of servitude between the jocks.

"Careful. Don't hurt yourself with that scrunchie." It was a sad day when human dignity was so easily given away to a nice voice and a pretty face. Well it was time to leave for Jane and then to be interned in Madame Li's gulag.

"Is that your sister?"

"Don't pry, Joey."

"I'm Jamie."

"Whatever." It was also interesting the way she subtly dehumanized her potential dates, to both make them more receptive of her conditioned approval and to successfully exploit them without any kind of remorse.

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

"Good work, Daria. Your cube is bursting out of the picture plane. You've really created the illusion of depth."

"I'm thinking of going into politics."

While Daria wasn't anywhere near the level of Jane when drawing or painting, years of doing the precise movements needed for stenography, plus her own dabbling in traditional calligraphy, gave her a technical proficiency that until now had served her well on the Art classes. In this case that meant that she ended her assignment with time to spare…

…and she had used that time for a good deed. 'One of these days I will learn how to be less of a merciful and charitable soul.'

One of Daria's more unexpected virtues was her almost never ending well of patience and a high tolerance of morons, this remarkable ability of hers came to be on the streets of Highland, where she would take care of the biggest, most insulting and sexually depraved idiots of the entire continental United States, and from time to time actually teach them a lesson by different means than pain. She usually kept those skills hidden whenever they weren't necessary, to avoid abuse by third parties, such as teachers, parents and desperate students.

However, when Miss Defoe, Jane's favorite teacher, was on the brink of doing an O'Neill and finding a corner to cry about the impossibility of guiding Brittany in the complexity of One-Point Perspective while keeping the rest of the students from using their pencils as swords, she decided to help.

In the process she found that the way to attract the attention of the cheerleader was similar to the necessary techniques used on her sister when forced by her parents to tutor her on a particular subject, in this case to use her knowledge of the Lawndale Mall and based on that real life example to explain the use of the perspective, once she had convinced her that there were no special sales at Cashman's.

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

Meanwhile, Quinn was making her own maneuvers to find her a spot at the Head Cheerleader's newest party. For that purpose she went to find her most recent victims, the Three J's, who were talking with both the captain and the quarterback of their team, The Lawndale Lions.

"…You're on the team, dudes. When a cheerleader has a party, all the football players are automatically invited." Kevin Thompson, the idiot-savant QB of the team was explaining the Three J's the mechanics of the high school's parties.

"It's on page six of the play book." Mack didn't seem interested in explaining the obvious.

"Really?" Kevin on the other hand would believe anything if it came from the mouth of his captain, not that anyone else would have a hard time making him believe the sky had vanilla clouds.

"Hey, Quinn, what about you?"

"Can I?"

"Sure!"

After such a strike of good luck the Three J's found themselves desperate to be chosen as the date with the red headed girl of their collective dreams. Not that she would choose one over another, after all in her own words:

"Everyone! You can't expect me to choose a boyfriend right away. That would be like eating the first pancake off the stove. You have to feed one to the dog."

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

It was later at the cafeteria where Brittany, with a sense of fair play usually missing with the popular people, decided to repay her debt with Daria due to her help with the dreaded one-point perspective and therefore saving the busty girl (and the nice Arts Teacher) from remedial classes.

The problem was that the medium she chose to repay Daria for her sacrifice was with an invitation for her party. It was one hell of a gesture from the cheerleader, even if she did it in part due to a promise to the rest of her squad to limit the number of pretty girls, while Daria wasn't low enough on the school's popularity organogram, no matter what Quinn believed, to be a pariah in that kind of party, it was beyond her means to get inside one.

A very familiar feeling of anxiety set in her stomach as the true value of the invitation and the ramifications of it became apparent on her mind. Part of her was dreading the night, another, more hidden part, was anticipating it.

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

For their own different reasons the stage was set for the Morgendorffer sisters to be together on a party not sponsored by any other member of the family, since… well, for the first time ever.

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

At Casa Lane after a short and sweet session of pleading and mock adulation, Jane had granted Daria unlimited access to her not so private collection of sketches. Right now she was flipping the pages of one of her sketchbooks, specifically the one Jane used for last summer's life drawing workshop and later for assorted nastiness.

Some of the models they had found for the class had been well endowed, and Jane in her usual style had made sure that anyone looking at her drawings would know that.

"You're really bursting out of the picture plane here."

"Oh, yeah. That particular model was quite bursty. I think she had her bursts done."

'Better let the cat out of the bag.' This was as good an opening she was going to get. "Speaking of which... Brittany invited me to her party."

"No kidding? Are you going?" Surprise, surprise, she wouldn't have pegged Daria as a party girl, much less for this kind of party.

"Sure. And after that, I think I'll swallow glass. Why? Do you want to go?" This last question was about half sarcasm and half hope, not that her voice would betray any of the latter.

"Oh, no, I'd much rather stay home and listen to my brother practice the opening to 'Come as You Are.' I bet I could get some great sketches there…" At this point the sarcasm was oozing out of her mouth.

"Well, I'm sure there'll be plenty of people posing. If you want to go, just make believe you're me. When you're popular, all unpopular people look alike anyway." Once more her bitter feelings were kept carefully hidden under the witty reply.

At this point Jane takes Daria's offer along with her glasses, and starts a not so stellar interpretation of the green jacketed girl using her best try at the monotone voice.

"Hi, I'm Daria. Go to hell."

Then while removing the spectacles, the prescription of them was too high, she revealed a deathly fault in the plan. "It won't work. My face is too expressive."

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

Quinn's face when I told her about my invitation to the party at Brittany's from the host's own mouth, an invitation of higher standing than hers as a date of lesser members of the football team, was something I would treasure forever. In that moment my biggest regret was to lack Jane's skill with the pencil and therefore being unable to properly immortalize the moment for future generations.

Still deep down inside I was becoming scared about the night's event. Quinn had a long history of ruining that kind of social gathering for me, mostly by accident. And while she had toned it down for a while after my revenge using Beavis and Butt-head in retaliation for crashing my tenth birthday party; right now she was still angry with me.

And it was at these kinds of events I was more vulnerable. Not that she had ever found out…

It was at dinner when Quinn tried a last ditch effort to stop me from going to the party, using our parents as her deterrent.

"Tell Daria she can't go to Brittany's party. My popularity is at stake." Subtle wasn't Quinn's forte.

"Now, don't begrudge your sister a chance to expand her circle of friends."

"Maybe now she'll have two."

"Touché, Quinn." Daria was impressed, that was far wittier that usual. It even hurt a little.

"And don't think you're confusing me with that French. You should ground her because... her room is a mess!"

"If I go down for that one, I'm taking you with me." And she was going to pay for that one anyway; it was against the rules to tattle to the parents, especially to get the other sister in trouble.

"Wait, here's something worse. I asked her to do my homework for me, and she made me pay." Now that one was plain stupid, mom and dad are Not amused. "Never mind."

After a strategic comment from my mom about transportation, Quinn finally decided to cut her losses and flee the kitchen, leaving mom, dad and me behind. Meanwhile I took my little black notebook to record her latest transgressions; lately she was testing her boundaries and it was my duty as a sister to smack her down with prejudice.

"Daria, I'd like it if you'd keep an eye on Quinn at this party."

"Fifty to check on her if everything is fine and dandy, a hundred if the cops are called and I keep her out of jail." It was a good time to practice what mom called behind our backs the Barkdale's parenthood system and get as much money and concessions for something I was going to do anyway. Even if from time to time I _wanted_ to see her behind bars.

"Twenty and Fifty, plus a complete report of the evening"

"Twenty five and Seventy five, and immunity from prosecution for being in protection detail, plus a highlight of the party. You can't put a price on the welfare of your youngest daughter"

"Deal, but if you are the one to call the cops the deal is off"

"I'll take that as a ringing declaration of parental approval." At times like this it was good to be considered the boring daughter.

"Just the way it was intended, sweetheart."

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

Daria, after politely refusing a last attempt of her father to get them there (Quinn had her own arrangements to get there and left the house half an hour earlier), went to Casa Lane, where Jane's brother Trent was waiting for them in their old rickety car. Usually she would have commented about the Pintos and fire hazards, but she didn't want to offend Trent, he had been such a gentleman to get them to the party, she couldn't understand how her sister could say that he was a slacker when he was just so accommodating towards their needs. It was a shame he wouldn't crash the party, someone so tall and spindly with such wild black hair and a handsome goatee would be…

"Bye." A dialogue worthy of Shakespeare Morgendorffer, maybe he didn't notice?

"Nice conversational skills." Well, she did.

"I hate you." Although not as much as I hate my damn hormones, we weren't even there and they were already messing with my mind.

And with that she was finally capable of rebuilding her ferrous (ferrous?) control just in time to be challenged by the security guard to a battle of wit versus wit, a battle that they won not by outsmarting him (and to be tricked by him left Jane with a bitter aftertaste), but by using the ancient techniques of bribery and semi pornographic sketches to gain a pass for Jane.

Brittany's house was certainly part of the upper class, the trashy kind of upper class, with stuffed animals and fur skins everywhere, a classic example of people that came into money too fast to learn the elegance and taste that comes with old or at least hard earned money.

Inside dozens of kids were already milling around, posing, drinking, dancing, some of them were even talking. In Quinn's case it was a matter of reinforcing her dominance upon her lapdogs.

"Here, I-I-I got you a drink." Joey was nervous, this was their first party together and her standards were high.

"This ice isn't crushed." On the other hand Quinn no was in the phase of the training known as negative reinforcement, and therefore his efforts, and the combined efforts of the three of them would be wasted.

"I'll go crush some." Then hoping to undermine the competition he whispered. "You know, Jeffy still sleeps with a teddy bear."

Jeffy's attempt with pretzels was just as successful. "These aren't twisty."

"I'll go twist some. You know, Jamie's really a sloppy kisser." And realising his own try at defamation was more imaginative but also far more pathetic added "I heard it from a girl!"

Jamie's turn was up. "I like square crackers."

Unlike the others who left Quinn's presence in shame, Jamie wasn't a thinker, he was a doer. With some quick bites he gave the desired form to the crackers. "Here. You know Joey was with a…"

"Ugh, gross!"

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

"You really want to do this?" Now that she was so close to the house, the butterflies in her stomach were really flapping hard.

"You know, just because people are cliquey and snotty is no reason not to like them."

"Or hate them." 'Or be hated by them'

"Chin up, nose up, let's go."

After ringing the bell, Brittany opened the door, still playing the good host, at least until the rest of the cheerleaders and football players arrived, then it would be everyone for themselves. It took just a few words with the owner of the house and a promise of getting Jane to help her with geometry in the future, and the irony of a one eyed artist leading the blind bimbo was just the icing on the cake for the two friends.

It was at this point, while admiring the snack table, that one red haired boy approached the pair.

"Chuck Ruttheimer, here. And you are...?" There was something curious about his voice… something slimy.

"Jane."

"Esmerelda."

"I'll be your social director for the evening. Would you ladies like a tour of the house? It's free."

"Do you accept tips?"

"Of course."

"Ditch the bangs."

"Feisty…" At this point he did try to make prolonged physical contact with both girls who shrugged him off, with a surprisingly low level of force.

The tour itself while not strictly necessary was informative, plus once the boy wasn't directing his attention towards them he was almost tolerable.

"This five-bedroom house is designed in a combination of southern pseudo-plantation and late mock-Tudor styles. To your right, the quasi-Victorian breakfast nook. Straight ahead, the family den, which was inspired by the novels of Isak Dinesen."

Almost…

"And this... is the make-out room! Am I blushing? Confidentially, it's really the laundry room. Hey? Don't lean on the buttons!" Knocking on such places is always a good idea, never know what you are going to find."

"Can it, Upchuck, or I'll break your face!" The reason was explained by the giggles of a girl inside.

"As we've reached the end of our tour, I'd like to thank you for your undivided attention. Any questions, maybe suggestions?"

"Yes. How did you get invited?"

"I dissected her frog."

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

After being at the party for a while Jane noticed two guys staring at both Daria and herself.

"Those guys are looking at us."

"Don't they know we're from two different worlds? Regular and popular?"

"The one in the green shirt is cute... in a head-too-big-for-his-body kind of way."

As Daria was shooting a disbelieving look at Jane she felt herself relaxing. 'Once more into the breach.'

Of course Jane wasn't able to see that, she just answered in automatic. "I hate you."

"Hey. Partying hard or hardly partying?" The guy was a carrot head with one of the biggest chins she had ever seen.

"Who knows? It depends"

"So... where you girls been all our lives?" Bobby Bighead on the other hand had his brown hair in a neat cut.

"Waiting here for you. We were born in this room, we grew up in this room, and we thought we would die here... alone. But now you've arrived, and our lives can truly begin." Betraying her sarcastic remark was one of her half smiles.

"She likes you."

In Daria's mind one word came to mind. 'Showtime'

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

While Jane and Bobby Bighead went to the laundry room, she guided her temporary plaything to a secluded spot in the house that Upchuck had helpfully pointed out during the tour. After the stress she had suffered during the last two months she needed this, moving out, being labeled by the school's counselor, being denied by her own sister. Desperately…

"What's your name?"

For all his former bravado the guy probably had less experience in these matters than Daria, and her answer did convey her reason to be there. "Does it matter?"

It was not the first party she had ever attended, nor the first make-out session with an anonymous guy. During her misadventures with Beavis and Butt-head she had been considered one of the boys by them in more than one occasion. That had hurt; it had hurt her more that she ever thought possible. She had been on a desperate need to prove to herself that she was a woman, that she was desirable.

Carrot Head was surprised by the skill and intensity of the kiss; he hadn't expected the girl with the big boots and the green jacket to have any experience at all. Nor he had expected that she would use the tongue first.

At the age of fourteen, for the first time since her so called friends stopped inviting her to their slumber parties once the novelty of her adult library card had passed, she had sought other raves and parties, ones where her sister wouldn't dare to step into. In those places she had learned how to french kiss, had been groped and had groped in return, while she had been careful enough never to go beyond Second Base.

Daria was pleased with the attitude of Carrot Head, while she had had far more passionate kisses before he wasn't so bad, and even more important, while his hands had gone to the south in the middle of the session, they hadn't touched anything more compromising than that. Her Green jacket was closed and it would stay that way all night.

At those parties she had been forced to defend herself twice, the first time using her house keys to scratch a pothead she had foolishly followed to the closet. The second time she had used her newly acquired boots to stomp on the guy's foot, followed by a knee to the crotch.

Once enough time passed and she was once again satisfied with herself, she started deescalating the situation, lowering the speed and intensity of the kiss, so that in due time it would end by mutual agreement rather than forcefully.

She had never dated anyone, neither inside nor outside the parties, her necessity was of a physical and egocentric nature, she didn't need any boy to carry her books like her sister, nor was she ready yet for an emotional attachment of any kind. These liaisons had no further meaning for her, other than to release steam and gain the right once more of calling herself a woman, at least for a while.

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

After having her way with Carrot Head, Daria went to the living room and chose a spot against the wall to wait for Jane.

After a few more minutes Jane finally poked her head in the living room and joined Daria.

"What happened to 'Bobby Bighead'?"

"I wasn't really interested."

"Too bad." Then with an impish smile picks a sock off Jane's shoulder. "Is this yours?"

"Okay, fine. He thought my head was a lollipop. What about Chin-man"

"Chin-man, you're out of your game tonight Lane"

"Whatever, tell girl."

"I must tell you that he acted like a proper gentleman at all times…" Was the answer she gave in her usual monotone.

At Jane's disbelieving face Daria added, now with a tiny bit of laughter on her voice.

"…He never touched anything I didn't want him to touch"

Then going back to her usual monotone, she finally went back to business. "Let's go find my baby sister, for once I want to be the one to humiliate her at a party."

"Well, I didn't talk to a whole bunch of new people, I made out with a guy without putting my boot between his legs, and I'm going home with a bonus sock. All in all, a great night."

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

Meanwhile Quinn's experiments in brainwashing were slowly growing out of control. Her most recent step was to release them to see what their reaction was going to be, if the intensive training would hold or they would be too wild (smart) and run away.

"Joey, Jeffy... Jamie?"

"You got it!" There was power in the names, and Jamie was the more insecure about it, so Quinn used it to increase the pressure on him and the jealously on the other two.

"Uh... I don't think this is working out."

"What? / What do you mean? / What are you talking about?" The huntress had chosen her prey well, in times like this it was hard to tell the Three J's weren't twins, much less unrelated people.

"I mean, you're really special guys, and you deserve a really great girlfriend. Three, actually. But I feel that you're pressuring me to do things I'm not ready for."

"Huh? / I don't understand. / What do you mean?"

"That doesn't mean you have to stop paying attention to me and buying me stuff and driving me places, but it does mean that... I think... what I'm trying to say is..."

"Let's be friends?"

"Yeah. Sorry."

The end result was that recriminations between the three of them were launched, followed by punches. None of them would think for a second that the smiling red haired teen was responsible in any way whatsoever.

"Stop it... stop fighting. This is horrible." Other people would have believed in the sincerity of her pleas if a pleased smile hadn't been on her mouth.

"They're fighting over me." Her relish of telling this to Jodie was palpable.

It was to a scene of complete pandemonium that Daria and Jane arrived from the living room. The three puppies that had been following her sister were fighting on the ground with kids around them cheering on one or the other, Brittany on the other hand wasn't pleased by this, screaming for them to stop. And far away, beyond the music there was a certain noise that she knew to be alert for and dread in these kind of parties…

Taking stock of her surroundings she found the bowl holding the ice for the assorted beverages, and with a mighty heave she launched its contents on the love-struck football players on the ground. Luckily for them the contents were already mostly melted so that instead of getting a few kilograms of ice in the face they were drenched in cold water and pestered by small and harmless pieces of ice. It was just desserts that some of the water had managed to reach Quinn, seated on the stairs behind the melee, far enough to be out of the danger zone, yet close enough to see her suitors fighting over her and now close enough to get her feet drenched in water.

"Oh, no! These shoes are suede!"

Daria was too busy tearing the Three J's a new one to notice her sister's fashion woes, giving them an ultimatum in a monotone far colder and more menacing that they have ever experienced.

"Stop this right now, unless you want a restriction order slapped on you that will have you using a telescope to see what Quinn is wearing to school. Undertood?" Only Jane was in a position to notice the house keys that her friend was holding on her hand hard enough to leave a mark.

"Huh? / Yeah sure. / Whatever"

"Good."

She then walked towards Quinn, grabbing her arm as soon as she was within reach. "Were leaving. Now!"

She ignored her sister complaints, pleas and threats, moving at a fast pace while pulling her by the arm in an almost painful way.

Jane was following her friend from a safe distance, wondering what the hell happened and just how many layers Daria Morgendorffer had. Until now she had her pegged as a bit of a prude, and the last person to be at a party, nor had she been as strict and direct with her sister before.

The reason for Daria's haste became apparent when a couple of patrol cars stopped in front of the Taylor's house. For the bespectacled girl it was surprising there weren't far more cops and those that were there weren't far more aggressive. She had been thinking of the Vice squad raids on some of her old stomping grounds with a simple noise complaint.

By that point Daria was no longer holding Quinn, and after realizing that she was not going to be allowed back by the cops, was following them to the exit, her shoes squishing, complaining about her complete and total humiliation non-stop.

Once they reached the gatehouse they found that the place was deserted with the exception of a clipboard, a cap and a familiar sketchbook that provoked a squeal of joy from Jane.

"My sketchbook, and a couple of souvenirs, lucky"

"Can we call Mom and Dad? My shoes are all squishy, my dates hate me, and I want to go home."

"And shift the balance of power? We walk."

It was at this point that Upchuck arrived in his so called 'Love Machine'.

"You ladies in need of a knight in shining armor?"

"Can we just take the armor and ditch the knight?"

"Hey, it's a package deal, toots."

Without any more options the girls get in the car.

"To your left, the home of the town director of public works, built on unstable landfill. To your right, a flattened squirrel. Straight ahead, the future!" If High School doesn't pan put for Upchuck he had already a brilliant future as a tour guide of the forgotten places of America.

"Stuff a sock in it, Upchuck."

"Feisty!" Even his purring was slimy.

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

The next morning Helen was preparing herself for work when she managed to hear Quinn at the phone talking to an unidentified third person.

"…and then she like drags me out like an I don't know… yes like that… I wish those cops would have thrown her in jail, or the pound, or something…"

"Damn" Helen got some bills out of her purse and started counting. "…twenty, I really hope that Daria wasn't the one that called the cops… fifty, now I'll have to drink the sludge from the break room…"

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

I have wondered if Daria's time with Beavis and Butt-Head didn't have many, many negative effects on her. The way she was treated as not worthy of being a sexual object by two of the most openly perverted guys ever must have killed her confidence. And people under those circumstances can and will do stupid and even dangerous things to prove themselves wrong.

In this AU Daria is a little bit more open to people due to the fact that like Atticus Finch or Jake Brigance (John Grisham's 'A time to kill') Daria tries to look beyond the skin, and to measure the true virtues and vices of people and then and only then she would pass judgment. This is her personal ideal, even if more than once she hasn't been able to stop her natural cynicism and occasional lack of faith in humanity to reach impulsive and premature conclusions not always the correct ones.

This outlook on life is in many aspects better than the one of the original Daria but on the other hand it is enough to give her a chink in her emotional armor, and through that little hole in her defenses many things can affect her, both good and bad. She knows this so in the past she had taken many measures to prevent someone from finding that weakness and abusing her.

As always comments, suggestions, criticisms are not only accepted but encouraged. As a final question. Does someone know how to do divisions that are accepted by ? I'm starting to understand why so many people hate their interface, it keeps eating any and every division I have tried.

** I ** II ** III ** IV **


	3. Chapter 03: The Longest Road

Chapter 03: The Longest Road

Disclaimer: Daria and associated characters are owned by MTV and Viacom. This is fan fiction written for entertainment only. No money or other negotiable currency or goods have been exchanged. Special thanks to the Outpost Daria for the Transcripts available there, they were invaluable tools for the development of this chapter, and in the future I hope I can be less reliant on them.

This chapter is dedicated to peetz5050 for his invaluable efforts making it more legible.

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

It had been one long harrowing trip; first there were dad's attempts to bond with the rest of the family through wholesome sing-alongs, the only effect that his voice had over both siblings was disgust. First there was the badly out of tune singing then his almost preternatural ability to drive over every little forest creature who decided today was the day to see if the joke about the chicken crossing the road could be successfully reproduced by a mammal. Then there was the objective of the visit itself, Susan, Doug and her three year old daughter Ramona.

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

Both families were sitting in the modern living room of the house, both pairs of parents soon started talking about their respective children, while the older children were hoping for the visit to end, or at least something to relieve the boredom and embarrassment. Of course the toddler was unaffected by the rest of the people in the room.

"Daria, on the other hand, is more of a late bloomer… socially… and there's nothing wrong with that. Right, honey?"

From her place in the couch Daria didn't dare to respond, for she didn't consider herself as a late bloomer in any way, and socially she was just where she wanted, where no one would bother her, however she did know that the moment she opened her mouth she would say something in front of her parents friends that would ground her for years.

Quinn was sitting along her sister, calling Ramona with cute childish sounds; she always had a soft spot for children, a spot she used for the occasional babysitting job. Goo, goo, ga, ga. Goo-goo, ga-ga. Ramona. Ramona. Goo-goo, ga-ga." When said little girl came towards her she consider her attempts successful, at least until her leg was filled with green snot "Ew!"

Then Ramona feeling bored already went to Helen with her favourite book. "Read to me."

"Isn't she darling? What is she reading now?"

Doug and Susan were part of the new generation of parents, the one that relied in the most contemporaneous child psychologist to determine the correct way of raising their children instead of the good old method of touch and go, and call the grandparents in desperation whenever they bite far more that they could chew. This outlook resulted in some weird and often hard to understand actions.

The book, "My First S.A.T. Study Guide" is one of those children books who are aimed to the paranoid parents of the era of the Early Stimulation theory, the name of the book all but guaranteed that the prematurely worried parents would buy one. The content itself wasn't anything revolutionary, it amounted to show the children words like apple, book, chair, desk and eraser; the only difference was the inordinate use of the A, B, C, D, E.

"We have to think about college application time." Long term it was a good thing, it ensured that the parents would be aware early on about the scores of their children and detect problems when they could be easily corrected. As long as the parents didn't overdid it.

"I mean, it's so hard to get into a good school now. What are you guys doing about it?"

The precautions that Doug and Susan, being so new to parenting, took, suddenly brought a wave of shame to Helen, they were already worried about SAT's scores and getting into a good school while both her daughters were scant years of entering college and they were doing nothing about it.

"Well, Daria is about to enter a college prep course."

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

One of the basic tenets on which the concept of freedom of speech is based is the inherent danger that an idea can have when used against tyrants, what isn't said is the effects than an idea can have when inspiring those same tyrants to greater acts of terror. In this case the terror took the form of an early College Prep Course.

"One more time: I am not taking a college prep course. Actually, I may just skip college and stay home. It'll save me the trouble of moving back in later."

While Daria had no intention of staying in her parent's home more than a week after reaching eighteen, her father lacked a skin thick enough to survive her quips therefore almost causing an accident.

"Watch the road, Daria, if you don't get into a decent school your life will be ruined. This is for your own good."

Despite her complaints Daria was the kind of person that would actually do her best in this kind of situation, so maybe being forced into one could be used to get her to be more responsible and thoughtful about her future.

"Way to go, Mom. She can't get her way all the time." The problem of being a chatterbox is that there never is a mute button for your mouth.

"Actually, Quinn, it wouldn't hurt if you took the course too."

"Wait a minute! Mo'ommm!"

"Maybe we can sit together."

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

It was just their luck that LHS was hosting one of the courses at the beginning of the year, the rationale behind it was that if done early enough one could adjust their extracurriculars to increase their appeal to the targeted college. In the practice it was one more of Li's plans to simulate competence in the eyes of the Parent-Teacher Association.

"Today's admission standards are more rigorous than ever, which is why..."

"Can we get on with this? I have someplace to go." That wasn't strictly true, the reason Jane was in the classroom was that she had been found, bored out of her mind, wandering the halls after class and volunteered by O'Neill to 'maximize her potential'. Jodie gave her a questioning look, she was as aware of her reasons to take the course as Jane herself. "Television counts as a place." mumbled Jane.

The first module was one of the most useful ones; it was full of little tricks to perform better in the kind of tests that were used by the colleges for admittance. For people like Jane, who were fairly smart but bad at the exams themselves it was a godsend; Jane decided to stay the rest of the week just for the math based multiple choice problem resolution; for people like Jodie or Daria who already knew those tricks, and didn't need them anyway, it was boring and redundant; and for people like Brittany and Kevin it was a waste of time as was any effort to try to get them to learn something not related with football or the practical application of human reproduction.

The workshop itself was a week long, in which they covered the most common requirements of colleges; mock interviews; academic, cultural, athletic and income based scholarships, and a bitter reminiscence of the cost of education by the professor giving the class, it seemed that for him student loans were considered one more form of racketeering. One of the most redundant parts of the course was the one titled 'How to Make the Right Choice of Career'.

"Okay, this is an informational sheet 'Push Comes to Love' sends around to 600 leading colleges. It's called My Personal Goals and Aspirations. Let's all talk about college..." While writing on the sheet Daria's mind started drifting away in a day dream.

Daria found herself in the classic sepia colored courtroom of innumerable noir films; seated around her in the wooden furniture were some of the greatest legal figures from literature and movies; as part of the jury she could recognize the face of Henry Fonda arguing with Lee J. Cobb on the reliability of a witness, the other jurors were listening with expressions that went from boredom, to deep concentration, to utter frustration; Henry Drummond and Matthew Harrison Brady were on the defense and prosecution desks, calm determination clearly shown on both, the former with Charles Darwin's 'The origin of species' in front of him, the latter holding the Holy Bible on his left hand, a sheet of paper in his right; presiding the court was Joseph N. Welch, a man that looked both in and out of the silver screen as a fair and noble soul.

On the Space reserved for the Court Reporter there wasn't a figure from any movie or book, it was her mentor and friend Elizabeth Primrose, not the kind arthritic old lady who taught her shorthand by letting her see old transcriptions of bizarre trials and challenging her to translate them, this Ellie was 40 years younger, with the sharp ears and dexterous fingers that had allowed her at one time in Texas to record all the screams and voices of more than thirty men who started a courtroom riot.

Then out of nowhere he appeared, a man of middle age, tall with dark hair and round glasses, serene yet resolute, the physical embodiment of his morals and determination. He was and wasn't using Gregory Peck's face and body, but for Daria it wasn't a question of faces, it was a question of character, and he was the man that, as a child, she'd wished was her father whenever Jake and Helen ignored or patronized her, Atticus Finch. And in his hand he was holding the U.S. Constitution, passing it to her hands…

…With a jolt that drew more that one look from the teacher and the rest of the students Daria realized that she had reached the end of the questionnaire. Just as she was about to give it to the teacher and leave the classroom for the day she discovered that at some point of the test she had started using shorthand. "Great." With a little bit of luck her already half eaten eraser would last long enough to correct her mistake.

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

She'd participated in the rest of the workshop related activities with far more zeal that was usual for her, while the academic exercises weren't of any use for her she would still help Jane with hers, even teaching her some other tricks that were beyond the scope of the class; yet her real interest was focused on the truly interesting parts about finding a College that had the curriculums more related to their interests.

Crestmore and Bromwell were fantastic options, their prestige and resources allowed them to have the best in terms of programs, teaching aids and professors, Bromwell itself had the biggest legal library in the world. That meant that no matter what branch of law or literature she was interested in she would receive the best education on the market. To be an alumnus of those places guaranteed the bests jobs in or out of the government, it opened doors everywhere.

The problem was that to be accepted in one of those schools you needed a great amount of influence and money, or you needed the sort of scholarships that required far more work than her usual slacker ways could provide. But while doing the work was possible if she decided to aim for the top, the social rift was a different matter; those schools were a network of old pals, inside their walls you were one of the boys or you were out, and the discrimination against the lesser class was something fierce, therefore those places weren't on her first option list.

Then there was Turner, a proud member of the 'Historically black colleges and universities', and staunch defender of the Human Rights and Civil Liberties. It sounded weird that an upper-middle class white girl from north of the Mason–Dixon Line would consider going to a former black college in West Virginia, but the place had one of the best curriculums in both human rights related issues and civil law. This was the place where 'The Southern Poverty Law Center' was born, and developed innovative legal ways to cripple hate groups by the use of civil lawsuits to seize their assets. It was also quite cheap for an institution of that quality, with a modest scholarship that she could get effortlessly with her A+ average and her trust fund she would be able to survive there without either working nor depending on her parents, and that was always a plus.

And finally Raft, a private research university near Boston, Massachusetts. The university was organized into two undergraduate programs and eight graduate divisions. It emphasized active citizenship and public service in all of its disciplines more than any peer school and was known for its internationalism and study abroad programs. Its Law School was particularly well respected, especially in the field of criminal law, those who graduated from Raft were always first picks of the most prestigious firms in the country. Its Liberal Art program combined with the flexibility of the curriculums guaranteed that the classes would be the kind of challenge she desired both as a lawyer and as a writer.

Those weren`t the only universities she had researched for this little project, many others were possibilities but she lacked as yet the necessary information to make even a preliminary decision, many more had been looked at and then dismissed when they didn't manage to be up to her base standards, Middleton among them, legacy or no legacy.

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

Later on that evening Daria and Quinn were being interrogated by their parents under the cruel and unusual punishment of microwaved frozen lasagna. Daria gave them an account of the basic training for the fulfillment of the SATs, and the lack of relevance for an A+ student, steering clear of the topics in the Workshop she did like, hoping to limit the damage her parents could cause in the future in their misplaced enthusiasm.

"Then we filled out this worksheet, and that was pretty much it. Money well spent, since it wasn't my money."

"You left out the best part."

"Getting a date with the instructor is only the best part to you." It was something that worried her about Quinn, she dated people based on their looks, their popularity, acquisitive power and finally docility. She never questioned their motives, mostly because she believed that their only motive was to worship her.

"It's not a date. We're meeting to discuss scholarship options."

"Scholarship? Way to go, sweetie." Jake was proud that her daughter would be eligible for a scholarship so early.

"There's no such thing as a making-out scholarship." When faced with people like the instructor who didn't play the same set of rules as her boy toys in the school, Quinn was hopelessly gullible.

"Uh, excuse me, but I think he would know better than you. Anyway, the best part, I meant, was the trip."

"What trip?"

"We have to visit a college of our choosing."

"Great! We'll go to Middleton!"

"We'll all head up to the old alma mater this weekend!"

"Wait! We get to pick the college, and no one said you could come."

"But Quinn, your father and I would love it if you kids followed in our footsteps."

"As much as I hate to agree with Quinn, I've already got plans to visit Vance at the weekend, their Law School's got an interesting internship program with a group of Street Legal Clinics in Baltimore, and…"

"But kiddo, Middleton is an excellent school, I know you're gonna love it, plus it's closer, you could come visit here every weekend."

"Look dad, twenty years ago Middleton was a descent institution with good programs in Business Management and Corporate Law, however since the student loan crisis of 1989, they had to shut down many of their more specialized careers. In fact the only remarkable thing they've got now is a series of courses in fiscal law regarding racketeering and RICO."

"Daria, one thing is that you do not take your future seriously, but to go out of your way to invent such a story. It would do you a lot of good to actually know a place before trying to get away from it."

"Look, could we at least swing by Vance, I already make an appointment with their academic extension office for an open class, maybe I can re-schedule for a later hour."

"What? No! Vance is more than three hours from Middleton and the road between those places is terrible, all curves and potholes, and there are no rest stops on the way, and even if there were Mad Dog Morgendorffer wouldn't let me use them! Oh, no! You're a man, then hold it…"

"Three more hours cooped in a car with you? Do you know what that would do to my make up? It's bad enough that the cute guys there will be seeing me with you, but to go to another place after that would like kill my popularity before it even began."

"Middleton's got nothing to offer to me, it might have been great before, but now it's blacklisted, it's taboo to go there, at least let me try Vance on my own."

"Remember that I went to their Law school and it was a fine choice, going there did lots of good for my career, both Jake and I are who we are thanks to Middleton and I'm sure it will do a lot of good for your future too. We are all going to Middleton. End of discussion."

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

After being forced endure once again being trapped in the car with their parents, plus a rocky trip through memory lane when the sweet images of college life filled with friendly students crashed into the cruel merciless wall named reality, they managed to meet the unfortunate student who was assigned to give them the guided tour.

"Hi, are you the Morgendorffers? I'm your tour guide, Heather. Welcome to Middleton." She was a reasonably polite girl, especially compared with the students they had met until now.

"Hey, Heather. What's up?" It was sad the way their father tried to regain his youth by trying to appear hip to people less than half his age.

"Uh... shall we get started?"

"These buildings date from when Middleton was a colonial religious college. Back then, the all-male student body attended chapel twice a day, and endured whippings as punishment for impure thoughts."

It was at this point that Quinn and Daria were saved the effort of ditching their parents by their parents vanishing in the search of their lost college years.

Daria was only half listening the tour itself, she was still angry with the way her parents ignored the research she'd done on the different universities, both regional and national, and her plans for Vance. For the first time in years she had been pouring actual effort into a school related issue and the end result was a united front between her father, her sister and her mother against her wishes.

So when Quinn finally decided that any serious effort to learn anything that would let her survive in the future was time wasted that could be used for getting to know about sororities and fraternities of a third rate school; Daria found herself not giving a damn about it. At least now she would be able to focus on her own interests.

Quinn was able to pledge herself to the Thetas without being a student nor anywhere near to the legal age, which Daria had to admit was an impressive feat of bullshitting from her sister and an even more impressive act of indifference and gullibility from the so called 'sisters'.

"Quinn, you're in high school." Even then she made one last effort before considering her lost to the demons.

"Listen, Daria. I don't stop you from reading. Don't stop me from this."

"She's God's problem now, kid. Let's get out of here. This place gives me the creeps." Heather was a wise woman who knew when to cut bait and leave.

"Well, now that my dead weight is in the bottom of this sea of vanity, can you give me the tour of the Law department? I want to see if I can make anything out of this visit"

"No, no way in hell I'm letting you into the hands of those sharks, half the teachers there are part of the Dinozzo Family, and you don't want to see how the Bursar operates…"

"And that is officially the end of my interest in this honorable institution. Now how do we spend the next two hours until the tour is officially over?"

"Want to see some real college dorms, with real college TVs?"

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

After that and a few more historical yet irrelevant buildings Heather finally arrived to her room and proceeded to teach Daria some of the main activities of the life of a student. Things like having to take part-time jobs being overworked by bosses who knew that students could only ask a quarter of the salary an illiterate moron could get, the humiliation of begging the parents for money to avoid hunger, and of course the business of cheating out of doing your homework.

It was right after the end of the episode of Court TV that the deliveryman came with the envelope for Heather.

"My psych term paper, finally. Nobody respects deadlines anymore."

Curious about the kind of work that a supposedly starving undergraduate would pay good money for, Daria took the papers and started reading. It must have been a joke; there was no way that she would have accepted money to take this for an elementary school book review, much less pay for it.

"Uh, you paid somebody to write this for you?"

"It was a collaboration. My part was to say how long it should be and when it was due."

"But the first paragraph doesn't even make sense, and I'm pretty sure this is the name of an actor… How much did you pay for this?"

"Fifty bucks."

"Well, you should get reimbursed; this would get an F on elementary school English class."

"Fuck, you're kidding me"

"Nope, I'm pretty sure William Shakespeare and William Shatner are not the same people, and that Othello never met the Khan on the 'Kobayashi Maru'."

"Damn, damn, damn. I shouldn't have trusted that little nerd. And there's no time to get someone else, deadline is tomorrow, and… Wait a second. Have you read Othello?"

"And what if I have?

"Look, you're a smart kid. Could you fix this? I'll pay you ten bucks?

"I couldn't fix this for a hundred; this term paper is unfit for a hamster cage. What I could do is write a new one if you're willing to pay the price."

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

While Daria was giving a lesson in English Literature alongside a practical test on business management, Jake's Rose Colored Glasses had finally come off, letting him realize that he had let two daughters adrift in a sea of rebellious, horny, drug addicted guys with unlimited access to a number of dark corners. Helen had left five minutes earlier to meet with the Bursar, Peter 'pony' Dinozzo, so finding his children and protecting their virtue would fall to him. It was a shame that he forgot that the Flower Generation was left behind by history for more than twenty years.

At this point after making sure that Daria was indeed capable of writing a college level paper of at least C+ quality, Heather went to hunt the moron that she had contracted for the job, intending to get back her fifty dollars and have enough to eat after paying off Daria.

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

Meanwhile on the dorm's communal computer Daria was typing the report at high speed, from time to time comparing her work with an old paperback copy of Othello, the other residents were looking at her with a mixture of curiosity and amazement.

For Daria it was a challenge, no matter the circumstances it is hard to write between 10 and 15 pages about Othello, without preparation or another paper to base it on, plus the time constraints, she had barely enough time to type it, no first draft, no proofread, for someone who was used to do A+ homework without opening a book this was the closest thing to pressure in her scholastic career. And yet she was capable of having a couple of conversations on the side.

"I'll give you a couple of useful tips for the exam; first, the book title Sons and Lovers does not have an apostrophe in it... anywhere. Second, unless your ex-boyfriend is an authority on D.H. Lawrence, don't base your thesis on something he said while making out."

"Mm... What about something he said when we broke up?"

"No, in fact consider that anything that sounded remotely useful when you broke up is suspicious." And to think she was reserving that piece of advice for her sister.

"Mm… Okay, thanks."

"Look, there is no way I'm going to be able to help you with your papers while I'm busy rewriting this Ode to the Space Operas in the half hour I got left. So please just give me the highlights of whatever problem you got and I will do my best to help you. Just remember to leave the money on the table before your turn."

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

Meanwhile Jake was already desperate about finding his daughters before one of the resident punks would do something. Until now his attempts had consisted of asking random people about a girl with a pink top and another with glasses and a green jacket, the responses went from the nervous rejection to rude gestures. He was already desperate enough to rip the photographs of his daughters from the application forms for the newsletter of the school and use them to create a couple of 'Wanted' signs when he saw a geeky boy in a white shirt arguing with a familiar brunette.

"Heather I'm sorry, my frat 'brothers' force me to do it, it's part of the pledge of Sigma Stigmata."

"I don't fucking care if it's part of a pledge or not, I want my fifty back. Right NOW"

"Okay, I thing I got a hundred bill, do you have enough change"

At soon as he got the bill out Heather took it with a swift movement. "Consider the rest as punitive damages from the screw up, that's about what I'm going to pay anyway to the gal redoing the work"

Then she felt a couple of large arms holding her by her shoulders and trying to turn her around. Her response was an elbow to the stomach of the attacker. Just as she was going to follow up with the traditional kick between the legs she finally recognized Jake Morgendorffer trying to talk even as he was trying to breathe.

"Heather… thank god… where… daughters?… campus full… animals… pot… dark corners"

Suddenly understanding what Jake's ramblings were about, it was Heather's turn to be nervous. "Mister Mordendoffer, Daria is having a tour right now of the… dorms, yes, about life on the school campus, and for your other daughter…"

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

Helen was seated outside the Bursar's office thinking about how distorted some of her memories had become; unlike Jake she did remember how the students could be at the college with their elders, and didn't that thought make her feel old?, the problem was that what sounded witty to an undergrad, was just plain rude to an adult.

All those concerns were bought to a halt when the Bursar's door opened and a figure stepped out of the room, the man was short and pudgy, with a round face marked by a badly trimmed beard. It was clear than even in this temperate weather he was sweaty and odorous, yet that wasn't the thing that gave Helen pause; it was the fact that she recognized him.

His name was Alexander Harrington and while she had never met him until now she did know many things about him, most of them bad, the rest simply horrible. The first thing they gave her when she came to Vitale, Davis, Horowitz, Riordan, Schrecter, Schrecter, and Schrecter, after signing her contract and the Sexual Harassment Liability forms, was a brief listing the notable VIPs and lawyers in the area, it was roughly divided into three main sections, people to mingle with, people not to mingle with, and people to run from; his name and mug shot were under the latter section, more specifically in the :"look out for black vans with the logo 'Flowers By Irene'" subsection.

He was an expert at fiscal law, well known in the field of Fiscal Paradises and quite successful protecting assets from falling under RICO, therefore all of his clients were usually under semi-permanent surveilance by the police. She didn't knew much more about him, her field was corporative negligence and therefore organized crime and tax evasion was out of her circle of competence, that particular speciality in the office was under the jurisdiction of Roger Riordan except that he was terrible in jury trials, far more comfortable erasing paper trails from his own office…

Maybe she was reading too much into this, mobsters have children too, maybe it was the first and last time he would be in this university.

"Well Pete, as always it was a pleasure, but you know how it is, I have Intro Law 101 in fifteen minutes, and those kids are sharp, they're already looking for ways to unlock trust funds and we are still on the first trimester."

"Bye Alex, send a big kiss to my goddaughter, tell her uncle Pony is visiting this weekend." After saying goodbye to his friend, Peter gave a quick look to his agenda and said.

"Ms Morgendorffer? Good afternoon, I'm Peter Dinozzo, but my friends call me Pony, come in."

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

When Heather returned alongside a badly shaken Jake, Daria was still on the computer madly typing; at her side was a small bundle of bills and a couple of odd papers that hopeful residents had left with her for at least a few tips, and maybe even a revision.

"Daria, thank god you're here. Did any of those punks touch you? I'll kill them…"

"Dad, calm down. What's going on?"

"…If they made you smoke pot I'll…"

"Dad, Dad… DAD." At this point he finally slowed down a little "Ok, Dad, deep breaths, steady, steady."

"I'm fine, I'm fine… Thank you kiddo. Now, are you ok? What are you doing here? Did any of those animals out there do something to you? Or gave you anything weird to smoke? Or take you to any dark places? Where is your sister?"

"In order, yes, working on an immoral term paper, no, no, they wish, and in the process of infiltrating a sorority."

At this point Heather was looking nervously at the drama unfolding in front of her, eyes widening at Daria's answer, and then to the growing crowd gathering to watch the entertainment.

"Good, you're right. What do you mean with a term paper? No, wait did you said something about Quinn and a SORORITY?

"Well this is a practical example of how does it feels to cram for a Term Paper when the deadline is only a couple of hours away, it's supposed to show the stress of doing things at the last minute. As for Quinn, she found her path in the educational system by joining her fellow 'soul sisters' of the Thetas."

"Oh, the Thetas, I remember the Thetas, they were always a blast at the parties; I remember this party where they took a hose and… GAAHHHH! I need to save my little Quinn! Helen is going to kill me…"

"Dad, focus, now. Where's Mom?"

"She's at the Bursar's Office, I wanted to go, but she thought that a more firm touch was needed."

Daria then addressed the public in the common room of the dorm. "Does anybody here have the number of the Shark's Tank?"

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

The university fee she could understand, it was well within the price range they could afford for both of their children even at the same time; she also saw the relevance of rules forcing students to live on campus for at least their first year, she would admit that there was some sort of logic in a deposit for the right to live on campus, even if it was far larger than strictly necessary; but why did anyone need so many kinds of insurances?, most high risk employers didn't have that many options, and the fact that there was a specific contribution for garbage collection was outrageous.

"I just can't figure out what all this is paying for."

The 'Pony' laughed just like his namesake "I understand your feelings, Ms Morgendorffer. Many of our parents experience similar sticker shock, if I may..."

'My god even his laugh is suspicious.' thought Helen.

"That's why I refer a lot of our parents to this institution." he said, proffering a brochure. "It's not a bank, but a family business that understands families. They can set you up with a cash loan on very agreeable terms."

"What's this address?"

"It's a candy store. That's their business. They sell candy. And make loans. Oh, and haul trash. They got a variety of interests, actually. You play the ponies, Helen?" It was then that the phone rang answering Helen's prayers for something to interrupt the meeting.

"Hello? ... Yeah, she's here." Passing her the receiver he added. "It's your husband Ms Morgendorffer, he sounds agitated."

"Thank god... I mean yes, thank you." She then concentrated on the phone call.

Hello Jake… What? … slow down, I can't make any sense of what your talking about… where is Daria… there, right put her in the phone… Ok, Daria tell me what's going on… Uh huh…uh huh… and you're where… and Quinn? … She's with whom? … no, we'll talk about it later, right now I'm calling the fuzz… the fuzz Daria, the Campus Police… no, I'll go there, you stay where you are and keep your father from running off and doing something stupid… we will talk about this later."

As soon as she hung up, she rose from her seat apologizing to Pete. "I`m sorry Mister Dinozzo, but a family emergency just came up, I hate to leave in a hurry but I have to save my daughter from a sorority."

"Forget about it." he said, channeling his inner godfather. "I know everything about family woes. I'll see you later when you come back; they all came back eventually…"

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

On this day the intrepid explorer Quinn Morgendorffer had managed to joint the insular community of the Sigma Stigmata, as the ritual entrails she was hoisted on the shoulders of several frat guys of the highest ranking; around them the lesser and pledge brothers circled the procession while doing a respected tribal dance and chant of long held tradition.

"Keg... Queen. Keg... Queen. Keg... Queen."

In the Fraternity community the Keg Queen is a figure of great Honor, she gets to drive the kegs to and from the distributor, therefore being responsible of keeping the parties going.

From her lofty position Queen Quinn rejoiced while admiring the display of respect her new petitioners offered to her. In this case her position was mostly ceremonial since she lacked both a driver's license, and more important, the 21 years needed to get the booze out of the liquor store. Yet she did not care, since the day was hers and no one would dare to stop her.

Then the unexpected happened, a siren wail signalled the arrival of danger; now the links of tradition, respect and honor were replaced by fear, they heard only their instinct, the imperative of the survival of the fittest. As one man they ran, leaving everything behind, dropping everything, even the beer, even their Keg Queen…

"Ouch"

It was this scene that Helen witnessed as she left the back seat of the campus police patrol car.

"Quinn! What did they do to you?"

"They made me their queen! Isn't it great?"

"Is this your daughter, Mrs. Morgendorffer?"

"Yes, officer. Thank you for your help."

"She appears to be underage, madam."

"Don't worry, Mommy, I have I.D."

"Quinn, where did you get a false ID?"

"Umm, could we pretend you didn't hear that?"

"We have strict rules about minors at fraternity parties. I'm afraid I'm going to have to escort you all off the campus - immediately."

"Damn fuzz." Helen finally remembered why she hated the campus rent-a-cops, they were all party poopers.

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

While Helen was being kicked off her Alma Mater by the campus police, Jake was talking with the current residents of the dorms, asking Heather about some of the landmarks and traditions that they used to have in his day, some which survived and some that didn't. Heather of course was as accommodating as possible, since if he raised a complaint her post in the academics office would be forfeit for leaving a minor unattended.

"… And what about the Milestone theater? I remember we used to do a lot of plays; there was this one where we tarred and feathered one of those pigs of the army, with a real pig."

"No, Mr. Mordendoffer, the old Milestone theater was demolished after finding an infestation of fire ants in the foundations."

"Damn, those tin soldiers won once more. God damn army pigs… and call me Jake"

"I wouldn't worry about that… Jake. The ROTC program was shut down in 1993 after the school lost its federal funding."

"Ha, take that you Buxton Ridge wannabes"

Meanwhile Daria was giving Heather's term paper one last quick read, printing her paper and doing a quick check on the spelling and grammar. Then while her father was celebrating the death of the ROTC called her contractor to give her the final product.

"This is good Daria, really good, much better than whatever that creep could have done, and faster, way faster."

Retrieving her wallet she started counting money. "Here you go, 75 dollars. Say, do you want some extra expending money? We could make a killi…"

At this point the dorm manager came to the common room, carrying a note with her. "Mr. Moll the doll fer? Campus Security called, your wife is waiting for you in the parking lot."

"We'll talk about this later, call me." Was Daria's parting words as she gave Heather her phone number and hurried after her father.

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

The ride back to Lawndale was filled with pent up tension; for the family it had been a day full of ups and downs, mostly downs. At the end it was Jake who broke the silence.

"Helen, where did my Middleton go? … It used to be a place full of cool dudes who believed something; but now it's full of rude, horny, sell-out capitalists."

"You're right, the Bursar was a crook of the worse kind, and the fuzz is worse than ever, how dare they try to ban me from my Alma Mater, don't they know I'm more successful than any of the slackers of this generation will ever be."

"Don't know about that Mom, my sisters from Theta were quite nice, and the guys from Sigma Stigmata made me their keg queen! A queen, me!"

"Quinn, don't get me started with that, we still have to talk about your actions today; and Daria, as the elder sister I hold you partially to blame."

"Sorry, I left my leash in my other jacket alongside my flea powder."

"Don't talk back to me young lady."

"I wasn't going to drag Quinn to a tour for her to be a pain in the ass all the way, nor was I going to be following her like a lost puppy. I couldn't go to Vance, so I was hoping to learn something, anything, from this visit, but all I got was the latest front of the local mob and a bunch of old memories from I place I never cared about."

This time the silence lasted all the way home.

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

That night when Helen opened her daughter's door, she found Daria absorbed in her work, writing something on her computer, while checking from time to time a pamphlet under the light of her lamp. She always looked so small in this room, with the dirty grey padded walls almost absorbing the light and the furniture, or more appropriately, the lack of furniture beyond the bare minimum. It gave the room the illusion of a larger space while keeping the nagging feeling of claustrophobia in the back of the mind.

About the only things that gave the room the feeling of being lived in were the posters pinned to the walls, even if they were as morbid as the rest of the room. Kafka's 'Metamorphosis' sharing a wall with an old poster of 'Anatomy of a Crime' and a white sock incongruously sewn to the wall that Daria refused to explain. The model of a realistic human heart was in a way her fault, she had told Daria to get something more feminine to decorate her room in Highland, like stars or hearts, "Be careful what you wish for…" she thought to herself. At least the contractor had cut the bars on the windows before they arrived, if not Daria would surely have kept those as well. The part of Helen that was still a nonconformist understood that Daria liked the room not only for its gloomy atmosphere, but for its uniqueness.

Then she remembered the reason she was standing there, and after gathering courage for a few additional seconds, she loudly knocked on the door.

"Dear, can we talk?" Even while clearly showing confusion Daria automatically saved the archive she was working on before closing it.

"Um, yes, sure"

"About what happened today, I just want to say that I'm sorry. For your father and I Middleton is more than a school, it's the symbol of our freedom, for me it was the first time I didn't have to deal with my mother or Rita trying to dictate my life, and for your father it was a time to be free from the shackles of your grandfather, and avoiding Vietnam. It was on the campus where we met for the first time, where we made our first true friends. What I want to say is that we were lost in our nostalgia and we were unwilling to hear you. I am sorry."

"As much as it pains me to admit it some of the blame falls on me too, I have been a little too apathetic about your projects these last few years, doing the bare minimum until you lost your enthusiasm, while you did try to motivate me to keep going. I guess that after all this time, we let the inertia substitute real conversations, and on this occasion it did bite us in the ass." Daria looked up into Helen's eyes and said quietly "Sorry."

It was at this revelation that a moist eyed Helen hugged her daughter. Said daughter went stiff for a moment before tentatively returning the hug.

After a few seconds they separated, and it was Helen who asked first what both wanted to know. "Is everything all right?"

"Everything is forgiven, Mom"

Waiting a few seconds after Helen left the room Daria opened once again the Application letter to the Sloane Foundation's scholarship. Even if she didn't win one of the rather generous monetary prizes being one of the finalists of the prestigious award would all but guarantee access to any school in the United States or abroad. Plus all the required actions needed to be even contemplated would be easy to redirect to lesser programs if necessary. While filling in the final data, she whispered a few sad words, almost too softly to hear them herself.

"Sorry mom, but while I can forgive both you and Dad, there are some things that cannot be forgotten."

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

In the master bedroom Jake was still in shock from the clash between his generation and the current one. "I can't believe just how the place is filled to the brink with punks Helen, all of them rude and sex crazy. What happened to our Middleton?"

"Oh Jake, nothing happened, kids today think of exactly the same things we did in our day, or don't you remember our performance on the backstage of the Milestone Theater?"

"Oh yes, we were hiding there from the fuzz and you only had that little pink number, and we were trying to be quiet when we were doing it because we could hear the pigs a few yards away and…"

At that point Helen decided to shut Jake up with a passionate kiss.

"What if instead of talking about it we have an encore."

They expended the rest of the night in a far more productive way of reminiscing about their college days than talking.

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

It was the final day of the College Prep workshop; on this occasion they were going to discuss the students' college experiences.

"Okay, okay... so, like, let's all talk about our college experiences. Uh..."

"My big brothers stripped me naked and covered me with molasses, and left me in the middle of a field at night! It was awesome!" more than one student was invited to participate in the secret rituals of the fraternities; it seemed that Kevin was as good an anthropologist as Quinn.

"I had a good time, too. I walked into the student center and these kids were reading poetry - then they let me make up some of my own! And they were really interested in my feelings and thoughts and... stuff." If true then Brittany did have hidden depths somewhere, probably buried under her bra.

"Huh? That sounds stupid." On the other hand Kevin was as deep as a puddle, one in the middle of the desert.

"Shut up, naked boy."

"I went to Lawndale community college for their art program and they taught me that if I take the career in a few years I will be ready to teach seventy year old widowers how to do arts & crafts with macaroni." Jane did learn as much as her fellow cynic. More or less nothing but how the cruelty of reality affects the future.

"How about you?" On the other hand Mack outdid both girls in the Department of Reality Checks.

"I learned about the first-string exemption. Turns out if you make the starting squad, you never have to take any exams."

"All right!" If the make out scholarship plot hadn't demonstrated by now just what kind of person the instructor was, then that little phrase proved it.

"Yeah. I'm looking forward to a great education. May I please have my money back now?"

"You little... oh…" Understanding that discretion was the better part of valor he redirected the attention to the Morgendorffer sisters. "…and you two. How did you like the famous Middleton College?"

"Daria got us thrown out."

"I got us thrown out? I beg to differ, Keg Queen."

"Keg Queen? Can I have your autograph?"

"Dream on, naked boy."

"Whoa, whoa, wait a minute! You got thrown out of Middleton? I, I just can't understand you kids sometimes. How can anyone get thrown out of that cesspool?"

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

It was after the end of the workshop that Daria and Jane found themselves walking down the street towards their respective homes.

"Thrown out of college without enrolling first. I'm damn proud of you."

"Thanks, but the credit goes to my sister, I got to do a term paper instead, earned 75 bucks for two hours of work."

"Cool, so you're paying for the pizza today, how nice."

"I walked into that one, didn't I? However the person responsible for my windfall sent me an e-mail, she wanted to meet me in Pizza King this afternoon. Do you still want your free pizza?"

"Dear, I live for free pizza, plus the extra attraction of having a college girl pleading to a high school student for her homework should be amusing enough by itself."

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

Daria and Jane were seated by the window of Pizza King snacking on some fries when Heather made her appearance.

"Hey Daria, who's your friend?"

"Jane Lane, artist extraordinaire at your service. But you can call me 'Your Majesty'."

"Heather Ingram, your majesty."

"Now that there are no longer strangers amongst us, why did you want to meet me here? I hope it's not for the quality of the pizza, because you'll be disappointed."

"It's not for the pizza, although it's almost impossible for an undergraduate to be disappointed by any kind of food. No, today they returned the Term Paper, while the quality of the grammar itself all but guaranteed a B, it was much to my surprise that the teacher gave it the only A+ of the class."

"So I'm already above college level, I should quit school and start my own company, I'll model it after the Venetian Army."

Jane decided to add her two cents. "No, I think that those long dresses would clash with your boots, plus the only black dude worth a damn around here is wrapped in Jodie's little finger."

Heather was smiling at the antics of the high school girls, and with a slight flourish she got a pack of cigarettes and a cheap lighter, lighting one she continued. "Mind if I smoke? No. Well, as I was saying, it got an A+, and all of the dorm residents know that it was you who did it on short notice, it was also you who gave them a great deal of advice that did help them with the homework. So I came here to see if we can do business."

"So, what is the current rate for 'collaboration works' in university level papers?"

"Well, I was thinking a dollar per page."

"Please, I'm wounded that you think so little of me. Five dollars per corrected work, ten for doing it from scratch like last time."

"Are you trying to throw me on to the streets?, two and five."

"No, but you're buying quality and that's more expensive; three and seven and a half, with a rush bonus of 50%, final offer."

After doing some math, Heather finally agreed. "Ok, I can work with that."

"Ok, I'm only going to do a limited amount of work per month; I don't want to burn out before my time. You can auction my slots, that way you will earn the difference, offer and demand. And all that jazz. By the way do you have a list of the prospective jobs and their due dates?"

It took only a few seconds for the brunette's brain to reboot from the last bomb before she gave Daria a single folded sheet. At this point Daria took her stenographer notebook and did some quick notes on it.

"Okay, I can do the ones for literature and history easily enough, it should take me an afternoon; I need to do a bit of research for the economics paper, but it's doable. Jane, do you want to earn some pocket change? There is one here about Andy Warhol, plus a couple about renaissance painting."

Through all this Jane silently watched in awe at her friend's bargaining skills then blinked for a moment and smiled. "Sure, why not? There's this camera I'm dying to buy."

Heather wasn't so sure to add an unknown factor to her new business. "Are you sure about that? You say it, we sell quality, and we can't lose that so early in the game."

"Don't worry, I can vouch for Jane's work, she'll deliver."

"Yeah, got paint instead of blood. Plus I just love Campbell's Soup Cans."

Heather still sounded a little skeptical, but before she complained Daria decided to move forward. "Okay, I think we can have these ready for Thursday, I don't want to meet here too often; it lacks privacy for this kind of meeting. Jane, can we use your house for the deposit and delivery?

"Sure, just make sure to call first; don't want Trent to believe that the money fairy is giving him some bucks for a new amp."

"Now that the business meeting is over, does anyone want pizza?"

"Hell, yeah. Us starving artists can never refuse free food."

"Free food? Thank god I'm still broke." said Heather. "I could use the extra fuel until… Say, isn't that your sister?"

It was indeed Quinn, and she was arguing with their former college prep instructor.

"Uh!" Quinn then ended the conversation by throwing a soda in the instructor's face.

"I should have known Daria was right about that making-out scholarship!" With those parting words Quinn left behind the drenched creep with the Lolita complex.

"Well, the floor show is over, a shame my sister wasn't drinking coffee or diet sulfuric acid."

"Now, I'm sure that you seem pretty comfortable with the brain-dead. So, let's go to a party. The Sigma Stigmata's are choosing a new Keg Queen after the tragic loss of last Friday's chosen one to the Campus Police."

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

During the dream sequence I mention many actors from legal thrillers. In order of appearance, Henry Fonda and Lee J. Cobb are part of the cast of "Twelve Angry Men", Henry Drummond and Matthew Harrison Brady are on opposite sides in the movie "Inherit the Wind", the judge is Judge Weaver from "Anatomy of a crime" interpreted by Joseph N. Welch who was a real life attorney who fought against Joseph McCarthy and of course Gregory Peck played Atticus Finch in "To Kill a Mockingbird."

** I ** II ** III ** IV **


	4. Chapter 04: Of Coffee and Men

Chapter 04: Of Coffee and Men

Disclaimer: Daria and associated characters are owned by MTV and Viacom. This is fan fiction written for entertainment only. No money or other negotiable currency or goods have been exchanged. Special thanks to the Outpost Daria for the Transcripts available there, they were invaluable tools for the development of this chapter, and in the future I hope I can be less reliant on them.

Originally I wanted to use the Short Story "Melody Powers and the Crystal Boutique" that I wrote before starting this full fic, however the characterization of O'Neill and Li would have been impossible, and due to the constraining method I used adding the necessary parts was not feasible. One of these days I'll publish it on

This chapter is dedicated to peetz5050 for his invaluable efforts proof reading and making it legible.

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

Angela Li, Principal of Lawndale High School, would usually be asleep by the time the call from the police department came at 4:00 am, but this morning she was already up and ready with a cup of strong coffee on her hand. She had to force herself from picking up the phone until it rang at least four or five times.

Not completely faking the tiredness and confusion in her voice she proceeded to answer the call.

"Do you know what time it is? …the police, yes, yes I'm Angela Li… Yes, 'alt(dot)lawndale(dot)com' is a cybercafé belonging to Lawndale High School… break in… anybody hurt… thank goodness… All of them! What a disaster… I'll make a statement in the morning… yes, we are insured… can you? … Ok, thank you."

It had worked like a charm, just like her associate had predicted. Now the claim adjuster would never learn that the computers of the cybercafé were more outdated that the receipt she submitted to the insurance company after her budget for impact resistant windows was denied by the PTA. Didn't they knew what kind of people were out there?

And the price for the continuous security of LHS was certainly cheap, 35% of the insurance money, a little extra help to get them the garbage disposal contracts and additional publicity for Middleton College; plus whatever they could get for the equipment itself in Cuba.

Now she had a few more hours before getting ready for school, and she certainly needed her beauty sleep. Tomorrow she would arrive early and visit 'alt(dot)lawndale(dot)com', then she would give a statement to the students through the speaker system, or maybe in an assembly, lamenting such a deplorable act.

Later on in the week she would start the plans for a series of tours to Middleton. She would of course do the appropriate level of promotion of this initiative. To be known for good academic counsel would only increase the Honor and Glory of Lawndale High School. Seniors only, she didn't want to start giving more publicity to that cesspool unless needed. You never knew when a bargaining chip could be useful once more.

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

To most of the students of LHS the next day was just as uneventful as always, their worries limited to homework, sports and surviving their daily dose of stupidity.

"Come on, Mack Daddy! I'll get the coach to write us a note. I'll say we need extra time on the free weights."

"Don't call me that, okay? And they're not gonna excuse you from English for weight training." Michael Jordan Mackenzie had to put the team before the 'I', he had to do the best for the team. And the best for the team was letting Kevin live one more day, no matter how much humanity as a whole would suffer.

"I can't take anymore of this Shakespeare dude, bro. He's, like, a total chick writer!"

"Hi, Mack! Hi..." Unlike Kevin, Brittany did read and understood the previous week's assignment, and she was trying to demonstrate it to her lover. "…Romeo."

"See?" Wasted words as far as Kevin was concerned.

"Maybe we'll start Hamlet today. That has a skull in it."

"Really?"

It was at that moment that Daria arrived at her locker to find Kevin obstructing her.

"Excuse me."

To his credit Kevin did move to let Daria through, without complaint or delay. "Daria, you're a chick, right?"

Having some disturbing flashbacks from a similar question from Butt-head she cautiously answered back with another question. "Why? You have a biology test today?"

"Like, why should I be interested in anything this Shakespeare guy says?"

"You? Well... Hamlet has a skull in it."

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

Timothy O'Neill had studied for an English Literature Major in order to learn more about human nature, and in his humble opinion he had succeeded. He understood that there was good inside everyone, they just covered it from time to time in negative feelings, and it was his duty as a teacher to bring that good out of every student.

"Class, I thought today we'd take a break from the tragedy of Romeo and Juliet to discuss the real life tragedy that happened last night here in Lawndale. Let's share our feelings of violation following the loss of our beloved cybercafé, alt(dot)lawndale(dot)com. Who would like to start?"

Maybe the boy in the school colors would be a good person to start? He showed school spirit everywhere so he surely must be suffering. "Charles? Charles, did you hear me?"

"You mean, Kevin?" Oh my, he had confused the seating charts once more. Why did he have such a horrible memory for faces?

"Kevin, heh. I'm sorry. You uh, look like somebody else. What do you have to say about last night's horrible event?"

"I was home all night. You can ask my parents. Besides, I already have a computer." Maybe he misunderstood his question?

"No, Kevin. I mean, how did the theft make you feel?"

"Um… sad?" Poor boy, he needed help to show his true feelings, thankfully the self-esteem workshop has given him the right tool, even if it was a little bit too harsh.

"Are you asking me or telling me?"

"Angry?" Progress?

"Hmmm... Jodie, how about you?" She was a leader among her peers, she would be able to express how the rest of the student body was coping with the tragedy.

"I think the cybercafé served one very particular segment of the community, but it still pisses me off when people take what isn't theirs."

"That's how I feel!" Progress!

"Thank you, Kevin. Jodie, about that word, "community." Isn't that the whole idea of a cybercafé? To jack us into the global community? I think what's most disturbing about this crime is the symbolism involved. Don't you agree, Jane?"

"No." Did he screw up? Maybe she was still a little too sensitive from the assembly he had forced on her.

"Suddenly, we're cut off. We can't hail our friends across the globe and say, "It's a beautiful day in the cyberhood." They didn't just take a few computers. They took the symbol of our virtual community. To visit alt(dot)lawndale(dot)com was to come together with the planet!"

"Oh, come on." It was Dorian, the other prominent member of his Self-Esteem class and his greatest success. The way she had overcome her pain during the assembly and vowed to become closer to her sister more than compensated for those hurtful words she had said by accident.

"Yes?"

"Come together with the planet? By staring at a screen for hours? Sitting in a room full of people you never say a word to?" She was right; maybe he had been too materialistic.

"Hmm. Interesting point, Dorian."

"Daria."

Mr. O'Neill once more looked at his seating chart, this time it was a spider that caused him to hurt such a delicate student. For its transgression the arachnid was slapped.

"Uh! Damn spiders. Daria, you believe that while connecting Lawndale citizens to our global neighbors, the cafe was alienating us from each other." Daria's gloomy exterior hid a nice caring person, and now that person wanted to get out. He would help her to get out of her shell.

"I'm saying if you really miss the place, put a Mr. Coffee in the computer lab." She was right, the students need something more personal, something warmer…

"So, in your opinion, what we really need is a return to the traditional coffee house of yore, where you'd watch some performers and share a cup with your friends, face to face."

"You're a visionary." Jane declared, smirking at Daria.

It was so heartwarming to see two friends who had suffered so much already, supporting each other, and this was just the beginning.

"Right here and now, let's pledge to make Daria's dream a reality."

"You mean the one where people walking down the street burst into flames?" Oh no! She was once more trying to hide in her shell. He would show his support openly, that will keep her out of it.

"The coffee house! We'll plan it, locate it, raise the money, and open it!" Angela is going to be happy to learn that the students are willing to raise the old traditions back from the ashes of the disaster. He'll discuss it with her as soon as the class is over.

"Would that qualify as an extracurricular activity?"

"Of course." Worried as a student as well as a person. What a beautiful soul.

"Then I'd like to register as a conscientious objector."

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

While at first sight, or even on a more detailed analysis Daria and her dad had not many things in common personality wise, they did have a few shared habits, like reading the newspaper in an agreeable silence whenever the other residents of the house allowed such luxuries.

"Hi! Gotta change, dinner meeting." The hurried tone in her voice was becoming far more common as of the last few days; the adjustment period the firm gave her was officially over, and everyday Eric Schrecter was piling more and more work on her lap.

"Did something happen?" His father hadn't quite reached the newspaper nirvana yet so he was still reacting to the world, even if at a slower pace.

"Hmm... depends on your perspective."

"Hi! No dinner for me! Emergency meeting of the Fashion Club!" The Fashion Club was also becoming more active, even if their emergencies weren't what most people could call work, or even important.

"I'll make up a nice plate for you and cover it up with cling wrap."

"That was Quinn."

"Yes, but you still haven't identified our first mystery guest."

"Dammit. I just called Eric for directions and he said the meeting's cancelled. Well, that just gives us the chance for a family dinner." That's the silver lightning in every cloud, all right.

"I'll throw another steak on the grill."

"Later." Quinn was also running from place to place like a headless chicken. Maybe being unable to be still was the legacy of Helen to her youngest daughter.

"Where's she going?"

"Crisis at the Fashion Club. Someone woke up with frosted hair."

"You know, Daria, it wouldn't hurt if you got involved in some after school projects once in a while."

"Can't talk now. I'm chairing a meeting of the Resting Quietly Club."

Daria was a smart girl, in fact she was scarily smart, but she always shunned away from any kind of social or academic activity, nothing interested her at all, and most things just managed to frustrate and annoy her; for that reason Helen thought it was necessary to force her to get out of her shell from time to time.

But two weeks ago she had learned that Daria did have an interest, one that was important to both mother and daughter, even if it was for different reasons. And the day she had discovered it she had almost ruined that bond by pushing a little too much. This time maybe it would be better to appeal to her own logic, and let her decide upon that.

"Dear, could you tell me please, which is the relevance of extracurricular activities for getting into college?

Before Daria could respond to her mother's question in one way or another; and demonstrating he was hearing, not listening, the conversation; Jake responded to the petition.

"Hmm. Well, these days it's more about whether you can pay… This might be a good time to talk about setting up a trust…"

Before Helen could berate her distracted husband for ruining a perfectly good chance of getting their daughter to network a little more he kept talking.

"… But then most of the scholarships and grants talk about positive action and community service, plus when they have only a few slots, they can use the extracurriculars as a tie-breaker."

"I guess that's a point for you Mom."

"If you don't want to start right now with an activity, we could make up for it over the summer… maybe send you to music camp, you could learn to use the full range of your voice, it's too lovely to limit yourself to your usual monotone."

"Music Camp? What a great idea. How come you don't ever play the flute anymore, Daria?" Jake was slowly getting out of the paper trance, and was trying to insert himself into the conversation, but he was still getting only one out of every five words.

"Because you ran over it when I was in fifth grade, which was two years after I quit playing anyway. Which is why I would have to interpret music camp as punishment for doing something very, very wrong."

"If you try you can find something fun to get involved with." Something fun, something capable of getting her out of her shell.

"You're good. When you put your mind to it, you're very, very good."

"Sure she is!" Jake at last was doing his best to support his wife, this time on purpose.

"Just think about it, Daria. That's all I ask."

"Fair enough."

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

Later in the afternoon, Daria was in the Lanes' house working alongside Jane on the more technical aspects of their little side business with the students of Middleton. Until now the feedback from the papers had been positive, but Jane had been adamant for Daria to at least edit her papers for a spellcheck.

While Jane was on the bed checking her new Polaroid Camera, Daria was on the computer, doing some minor corrections to a second different, yet similar Andy Warhol paper while telling her friend about the latest conversation with her parents.

"… and now I have to find something to do in the afternoons before my mother's patience finally runs out and she finds me something else to do, something like playing 'Pop Goes the Weasel' for the entire year."

"You could try telling her you are already doing community service, helping scholastically challenged college students raise their grades."

"Somehow I think that the University Admission Board would be a little skeptical about letting in someone who got on their résumé 'cheating ring' as their last job."

"Point. What about your idea of this morning?"

"Which idea, the one were we use spray paint in the faces of the fashion club in order to dissuade poachers from using their perfectly moistened skin as coats?"

"No, the 'idea' that you rammed inside O'Neill's head, about starting a classic hippy coffeehouse, he did say it counted as an extracurricular activity."

"Umm, you might have something there Lane, if we participate on the fundraiser for a couple of days we could spin it into something grandiloquent, something like 'helping in the conception and funding of new places for the promotion of the liberal arts and the free exchange of ideas'. That would take a lot of pressure off me."

"Cool… Wait a second I know I heard a 'we' in there somewhere. There should be no 'we' in that sentence, just an 'I'."

"Well, it was your idea, and misery does love company"

"No way, baby."

"Come on. Do it for friendship."

"I have no friends. I walk alone."

"Well, then, do it for sisterhood or something."

"Are you nuts?"

"Then do it for the opportunity to look inside people's houses and find out what screwed-up tastes they have. You could bring your new camera"

"Cool, but you're paying the film."

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

Jane and Daria then took the decision to go to O'Neill before they lost their nerve. They found him in one of the classrooms, working on making sense some of the seniors' homework.

"Oh... umm, misses…"

"It's Daria, Daria Morgendorffer and Jane Lane, your students, the girls that you once called an entire assembly for?" After all the work that both friends had put into making his life miserable, he should have the decency, or at least the precaution, of learning their names.

"Hi Daria, hi Jane. What's up? Do you need some help with your esteem? This semester's workshop ended already, but I could find some extra time for additional classes if you need them."

"No, thanks, our self-esteem has been soaring these last few hours. We want to volunteer to work on the coffeehouse."

"Fantastic! What made you change your mind?"

At this point Jane took the initiative. "Well, we have been given so much by the community of Lawndale that we feel we need to give something back."

"That's great! It is so heartwarming to see young people helping the community. I guess that you want to read one of your essays…"

"No, I wasn't actually thinking about performing."

"... maybe that one about feeling like a big misfit whom everybody hates. The other kids will really relate to that. I know I do." And O'Neill is demonstrating his understanding of the average teen reaction once more.

"Is that the one that compares the sophomore class to barnyard animals? You could try that one Daria; it names 'Names', it would be a riot, I've always wanted to be in one."

"oh, my… What about you Jane, would you like to try to participate on the stage."

"Dunno, since the Self-Esteem assembly I'm scared of being in the spotlight."

"Oh, yeah…"

"But, tell you what, I'm handy with a brush, so I could give the boring old coffeehouse some life"

"To have a Coffeehouse for the students, decorated by the students, and with the participation of the students, what an exiting idea. Daria, how would you like to cooperate with this endeavor?"

"I'm really not much of a performer. I'm thinking more along the lines of fundraising?"

"Oh. Well, we're selling chocolates, magazines, CDs, and wrapping paper. Jump in!"

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

After that Daria and Jane turned their attention to the practical matter of establishing a budget for the decorations. It didn't take long for them to discover that it wouldn't be as easy as they thought; the budget allocated to the Café Lawndale was one of the most overly complicated messes that Daria had ever seen, the contractor listed a series of repairs that would almost be the equivalent of building a small house.

With Professor O'Neill becoming worried to the point of incapacity, Daria and Jane went back to Casa Lane to plan a new budget for the Coffeehouse. Daria then turned to the only person she knew that had the connections to find a more reasonable contractor.

"Morgendorffer Consultants; if you have it, I'll let the world know"

"Dad, its me Daria, I need a little favor"

"Kiddo, it's great, you're calling your old man at his work, what can I do for my sweetheart?"

"Uh… Well, first don't call me sweetheart, it gives me diabetes. As for the call, the school is starting a Coffeehouse and we…"

"A coffeehouse Daria, good for you, honey! I know you'll be a hit on the stage. In my old days I used to go there at weekends to listen to the pals play some sweet tunes, I wrote a couple of verses myself, wanna hear them?"

"No thanks dad, I'm right now in the administrative side of the operation. What I was wondering is if you could do better than this" Then she proceeded to list a number of tasks and their respective prices.

"What? Those really stink, Daria! They are at least a third higher than market price. Don't worry Daria, give me a few hours, let me make a few calls, and I can beat those by 30%, no… 40%."

"40% dad? Many young slackers singing bad tunes and reciting mediocre poetry will thank you."

"Think nothing of it Kiddo; I'll give you the new and improved budget when I get home."

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

The breakfast next day could have been a distorted mirror image of the previous day, everyone on the table was in their nightwear; with Quinn talking with her mother, Jake reading the newspaper with his suitcase at his side and Daria was ready to leave the house in a hurry already fully dressed.

"…then after Tiffany's hair was frosted in the night, Sandi called for an emergency meeting of the Fashion Club and gave her a stern scolding followed by punishing her to investigate 5 ways of preventing hair frostage."

It was then that Daria went down from the stairs already dressed in her traditional skirt and green jacket, and stole a slice of toast while doing some math in her notebook.

"I'm sorry I have to miss this soggy cereal, but I have to wake Jane and she sleeps like a corpse, so I need to get a new shovel." A difference between Daria and Quinn is that the former lives her life at a more sedate pace than the latter…

"Wait a second Young Lady, Where do you think you're going without breakfast?" … a sedate enough pace to be caught on most occasions.

Meanwhile Jake was too busy searching in his suitcase to see the fact that his wife was starting a rant, until he found the papers he was looking for.

"Here you go Kiddo, I talked with Doug Thompson and he agrees that what they're asking for the coffeehouse job is too high, and he told me that he was going to smooth a few things with the PTA to get the stuff you need, he might even shave up to 50% off the original."

"Thanks dad, Jane was worried that she would have to use my hair as a brush to keep inside budget"

"I'm doing the budget of the materials needed for Café Lawndale alongside Jane; then in the afternoon we are going to sell useless trinkets to people who don't need them to get whatever money is not covered by the school. Yesterday it would have been more than 750 bucks, now…" At this point Daria did a quick check of the papers that her father gave her. "…400 dollars? Hey dad, you got a 55%?

"Hey, what can I say? Your old man still got it."

"Café Lawndale?" Helen was getting tired of being ignored and ignorant in this conversation

"Yes, it's going to be the replacement of the cybercafé that was looted the day before yesterday, and since my words, after being twisted beyond recognition, were the inspiration for it, I'm forced to be the midwife for Rosemary's Baby from High School Hell."

"Good for you kiddo, show them how to make things right."

"I'm proud Daria, that is the kind of activity Universities look for in their future students. Quinn, what are you doing this afternoon?"

"We're having another meeting with the Club, to review if the methods investigated by Tiffany are appropriate to deal with Frosted Hair"

"I'm pretty sure the Fashion Club can survive a day or two without you, and it would be a good idea for you to participate in an altruistic event like your sister from time to time."

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

After school, the volunteers for the fundraising - most of them who had been volunteered to avoid detentions - have been given a part of the merchandize stored in the school for this kind of event (at this point Daria had asked just how often did the school did fundraisers for it to need a permanent stock; the answer given to her by the rest of the students wasn't the most reassuring.), and a route drawn from LHS long experience in exhorting money out of Lawndale citizenship. Jane and Daria had become the default organizers when O'Neill had burst into tears first for the impossible previous goal, and then once more, when looking at the improved budget, in tears of happiness.

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

After being forced to participate in the fundraising, Quinn was given a few dozens long distance phone cards and a route for one of the upper middle class neighborhoods of Lawndale, her target was to sell at least 50 dollars worth of long distance calls by the end of the day.

For all her lack of common sense and academic knowledge, Quinn does know a few things better than anyone else, sister included. One of those things is how to do a sales pitch.

"Hi! I'm selling long distance phone cards."

"I just use a credit card."

First you need to identify the target's reason to buy or not to buy your product.

"Oh. Well, are you really happy with the service?"

"Um, uh, it's fine."

"I mean, are you really happy?"

"I don't get you. W-why shouldn't I be?"

Then you need to introduce a doubt in the target's confidence in his ability to live without said product.

"I mean, like, are you ever, like, really looking forward to talking to someone, and then you can't hear them because of crackling and static?"

"Not..."

Once there's even the smallest shadow of a doubt, the next step is to look more human to the target's eyes, until the target stops talking to a saleswoman and starts talking with a friend.

"I mean, I know that if I were your friend and you were calling me, I'd want to listen to you, not some static. I mean, you have a really nice voice. Your friend should be able to hear it."

"They usually, uh..."

"Just pretend you're calling me."

"What?"

"Really, just try it. My name's Quinn. What's your name?"

"Danny."

"So, call me, Danny."

Once the target is on the correct frame of mind, then it's time to use the imagination to set a new scenario…

"Hello? Uh, Quinn?"

"Danny? Is that you?"

"Hi! Quinn?"

"Speak up, Danny, I can't hear you."

"Hi! Quinn? It's me, Danny."

Desire is a useful tool to sell something,

"I've been thinking about you all day. The way your hair falls over your eyes when you laugh. I can't get it out of my head."

"Really?"

"You gotta speak up, Danny. Listen, do you want to come over tonight? My folks went away for the whole weekend."

"Yeah! I mean, um, s-sure, Quinn."

And once the desire is established, even the slightest threat to take it away will be enough for the target to buy anything, at any cost.

"Oh, that's okay, Danny, I understand. I'll see if Pete wants to come over."

"But I said..."

"Bye!"

"Wait!"

"Click. See what can happen with bad long distance service, Danny?"

"Who's Pete?"

If it works with boyfriends, why shouldn't it work with Phone Cards?

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

When Daria and Jane, who was giving her friend moral support while waiting for candid shots for her new Polaroid, knocked on the first house of their route, they were answered by an overweight woman, a really overweight woman, a woman so fat that the jokes both friends made on the spot would have filled an entire number of the Sick, Sad Magazine. Said woman was heavily wheezing by the time she opened, just as if she had been running to the door.

"Um, hi. I'm selling chocolate bars for the new student coffeehouse." Daria would never be as confident in the face of strangers as Quinn.

"New coffeehouse?"

"Our cybercafé got trashed." Jane answered.

"Well, I enjoy chocolate. Doctor says I'm not supposed to have too much of it, but he wouldn't mind if it's for a good cause."

At this point Jane took her payment for sharing Daria's torment by taking a snapshot of the fat woman's front and back, as she went for her purse. Daria was right; this was giving her a lot of ideas, mostly Fernando Botero's large people.

"Just... just a second, girls."

"Are you all right?" Now she sounded as if she had been part of a track team.

"Yeah, yeah. Just, just, I was in the basement when the doorbell rang. Need to catch my breath a little. How many chocolate bars you got there?" Now the fat jokes on the girls' minds would have filled a Sick, Sad World full Anthology.

"We've got about two boxes. That's twenty-four."

"Tell you what: I'll take all of them."

"All of them? Really?"

"You sure that's okay with your doctor?" By this point Daria wasn't thinking about jokes anymore, the concern was surpassing her cynicism.

"It's okay as long as he doesn't know about it! Dammit! Where's that purse?"

At this point the Large Woman coughed and then fainted; the earth did tremble a little with her fall. Daria stood there for a heartbeat before reacting.

"Uh-oh." Her first house and Daria had already killed someone, who knew, she thought the fundraising was going to be the death of her, not of her clients.

"Did she hit her head?"

"I don't think so."

"Do you know CPR or anything?"

"Yes, let me remember… Okay ABC, Airway, Breathing and Circulation. First we need to tilt her head to open her airway…" She was working on the woman's head when she said that. … lift the chin… and then…"

Then it was the end of her practical knowledge of First Aid CPR, since the day of the classes when it was the turn of the next part of the protocol, Breathing, Beavis and Butt-Head used the mouth-to-mouth respirations as an excuse to try kissing the girls in the class. Since she didn't like the skanks they were chasing anyway she didn't tried to stop them. The next day they moved on to burns, in which they received first rate training thanks to Beavis and a lighter.

"Uh-oh" Jane wasn't feeling confident by her friend's outburst.

"We should be doing something now. I'm sure of it."

"Yeah, I think you're right."

At that moment, Jane takes a picture of Daria holding the woman's head, which coincides with said woman recovering from her fainting spell.

"Damn hypoglycemia. I'm sorry, girls, I'm holding up the works. Okay, now. How much apiece on those chocolate bars?" The Large woman was rising up on her own without any concern to her health as far as both friends could tell. It was creepy.

"Ma'am, I'm not sure I can sell you any chocolate bars." It was a matter of both conscience and legal liability, Daria didn't want to face charges of criminal indifference or manslaughter.

"What's the matter? My money's not good enough for you?"

"It's not that, it's just... maybe it's not such a good idea."

"Give me those chocolate bars!"

"Thank you for the offer though, ma'am, and for caring about the students of Lawndale High." Jane reached the same decision that her friend had and started disengaging.

"We could call your doctor or the hospital if you like. Otherwise, we'll be going."

With those parting words Jane and Daria turned and started walking away.

"I don't need a damn doctor, I need a damn chocolate bar! Gimme! I'll pay ya five bucks apiece!"

"Have a nice day, ma'am." She was not going to be indicted on charges of assisted suicide, not for such a pathetic charge, nothing less that a full murder on a second degree for this girl.

"I want those chocolate bars! I want chocolate, dammit!"

"Five dollars apiece. We would've made over a hundred bucks." Jane's mercenary side was arguing with her morality, and it was an even fight.

"Yeah, and all we had to do was take a human life."

"You always see the downside, don't you?"

At that point the fat woman fainted again.

"Jane, could you get inside her house and dial 911? Meanwhile I'll try to remember my ABCs" The face palm was audible over the woman's troubled breathing.

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

They had to wait ten minutes for an ambulance to arrive, in which the woman fainted and raised again twice more. Then they learned that Mrs. Johannsen, as the name she gave to the paramedics, was a frequent patient of the local EMTs and that she would not listen to anyone; it took an additional ten minutes to give her the usual check-up.

When said woman started complaining about discrimination - for not selling her the chocolates -, and that the girls had broken into her home - to call 911- the EMTs reluctantly had to call a patrol. Once the cops arrived and were given an explanation of the events in the house Daria and Jane were finally free, once the latter gave up her photographs of the fat lady as evidence and as a punishment for taking them in the first place.

Having lost all interest in selling death sticks (a moniker both girls had applied only to cigars and cigarettes before) to the unsuspecting masses, they returned tired, grumpy and thoroughly defeated.

It was much to their surprise that even with all the lost time at Mrs. Johannsen's house they were the first to arrive. Less than five minutes later Andrea Hecuba - the only true volunteer as far as they knew - reached the school tired, sweaty from walking in her black clothes, and with the tatters of her wrapping paper in one hand; when taking notice of Jane and Daria's questioning looks she said a single word: Dog. It was at this point that they all discovered that O'Neill was missing once more, and there was no one to collect the money.

Seeing Andrea's look of frustration at been forced to wait for the wimpy teacher, Daria hastily wrote a pair of receipts in her notebook, signed them alongside the other two girls, and collected the money while giving one of the receipts to the Goth, and wrapping the other on the bills. This process repeated itself as each one of the students forced to collect money returned to the school. In the case of Brittany and Kevin they went as far as clipping his receipt to his jacket with an old safely pin, just like a small child.

They kept waiting in the English classroom for the arrival of either Quinn, who was the only student who hadn't reported back yet; or O'Neill, so that they could dump the money on him, and leave.

It was then that they heard their names on the speaker system.

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

Angela Li, Principal of Lawndale High School, was having a really bad day. The day itself had started well enough, with Timothy's idea of a coffeehouse going forward without a hitch. The new place could give her even greater access to the money from the insurance claim than her original idea of 'trying' to rebuild the cybercafé and failing when running out of funds. Using as an excuse the necessary remodeling to add a stage, tables, and a small kitchen she would have had an excuse to call in Dinozzo's contractors and get him his cut on the job without raising suspicions. The fact that the children would be doing their own fundraising to get the money for the real expenses was just icing on the cake.

And then with a phone call all of her plans went up in flames. The head of the Parent-Teacher Association had received a call from Doug Thompson, who had a copy of Li's bogus estimates for Café Lawndale, and wanted to have a piece of the cake. Once the magnitude of the differences was evident, others members of the PTA had been called and the decision to give the construction job to Doug was reached without the input or knowledge of the principal. Once she had been let into the loop she had done her best to reverse the decision, but since the funds of the original 'alt(dot)lawndale(dot)com' and the insurance payments came from the PTA they had the last word on how those were used, to do otherwise now that they were aware of the problem would be to invite disaster.

Now that she had been cut off from the insurance money she found herself a little short on money, and she couldn't exactly default on her payment to the Dinozzos - she liked her knees on her legs thank you very much - so she would have to get their 35% from the school funds. Since she had already put most of the teachers on the starvation threshold, and she dare not touch the sports, she would need to drain the maintenance fund.

She had called to her office the only person who had access to the full budget; the Literature Professor Timothy O'Neill. It only took a few minutes of gentle questioning for him to confess about giving the budget to two of the volunteers for review. Since he had technically done nothing wrong with the information, she wasn't going to punish him; with any other teacher she would have found an excuse for kicking him out of school, probably as a scapegoat for the whole fiasco, but she did keep people like Bennett, Manson and him for a reason.

Finding idiots was one of the simplest thing you can ever do, most people just watch themselves in the mirror and find one, but gullible, predictable idiots who are willing to take orders without question, and who are not prone to telling anybody about who ordered what, are a scarce commodity. O'Neill himself wouldn't be able to find the scam even when pointed out to him, and for all his hippy attitude, he was a proud man who would never accept his mistakes.

While O'Neill didn't remember their names, his clues about the self-esteem assembly had been enough to discover their identities. Daria Morgendorffer and Jane Lane were the students responsible for this mess. Daria had come to her attention during the third day of classes in the year, when her mother called to complain about the self-esteem class and Manson's abilities, while it wasn't rare for parents to complain about their children being on that particular workshop, the fact that she claimed to have a transcription of the session with Manson was worth remembering, even if such notes existed only in writing.

The second time she heard that name, now with the addition of Jane Lane, a slacker who was sent to the classes as a personal favor to Coach Morris and until now was a non entity in school, was during the Assembly that she had called as a bone thrown to O'Neill. While the speech of Jane was certainly embarrassing to the teacher, it was Daria's public accusations that were dangerous. She exposed both of Li's tools as the fools they were, and as far as she could tell they were nothing more than collateral damage to the verbal assault she laid on her sister.

That time she had been forced to let it go to avoid attracting real attention to the incident, she also did nothing as a way to punish Manson for her lack of discretion with both her personal data, and for putting such a wolf amongst the sheep; but now her passivity had come to bite her in the ass in the worst way imaginable.

She was about to let O'Neill out of the hook to meditate on the appropriate way to deal with both the crisis and her revenge on the girls when she received a phone call from Mrs. Johannsen, a woman known for her insatiable hunger for anything sweet, who was a frequent customer of their food related fundraisers. She was complaining that two girls, one a brunette with a green jacket and glasses; and another black haired girl with a red jacket; had refused to sell her chocolates, and more importantly they had broken into her house.

Well, well, well, into every cloud there is a silver lightning… She then activated the school wide speakers to call for the two delinquents, after all it is always better to strike while the iron is still hot.

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

When Jane and Daria arrived at the office of Madame Li, they found her sitting on her desk, while O'Neill was standing on the side, trying to memorize both girls' names.

"Daria... Jane. Daria... Jane. Daria... Jane."

"Come in, Ms. Morgendorffer, Ms. Lane. Sit down."

Both friends were thinking that this was going to be about the fundraiser, after all due to luck, mostly bad, they have been all day in the thick of it; Daria was already getting her notebook to show them their progress. In a way they were right.

"The school received a phone call this morning from a Mrs. Johannsen. She said two girls came to her door to sell her chocolate bars, and then suddenly refused to do so. Hmm. Even after she offered five dollars a bar, or more than twice the asking price." 

"She was hypoglycemic. The chocolate would've killed her." Daria's excuse was given at the same time she started transcribing the full conversation in shorthand, something told her it would be necessary.

"She passed out while we were standing there." Jane added.

"Do you understand that refusing to sell her the chocolates could be interpreted as discrimination? Weight discrimination to be more accurate." She took notice of the way the Morgendorffer girl was writing on the notebook; shorthand, and by the look of it, professional level, it seemed that she was indeed able to record a full conversation.

"It could also be interpreted as an act of charity; we were helping her to keep breathing."

"There is also the fact that Mrs. Johannsen reported that you broke into her house when she was otherwise indisposed."

She was having a respiratory arrest and she fainted on the spot, so as good little citizens we called for an ambulance, granted it was her second fainting spell in less than ten minutes, so we might have taken our time…" Jane response wasn't the most diplomatic.

"So, your refusal to sell chocolate to this woman was based purely on concern for her welfare…"

"And not wanting to do time for manslaughter."

"However Mrs. Johannsen accusations must be taken seriously by the school, so until a proper investigation can be done I'm afraid I must suspend you until further notice."

At this point Jane lost her smile, this had become way too serious; an open ended suspension was as good as an expulsion. However, when she looked to her side, Daria was just as collected as always.

"Ok, we are suspended; the first thing you must do is to call a parent to collect us, I choose my mother, could you call her to Vitale, Horowitz, Riordan, Schrecter, Schrecter, and Schrecter, she is a corporate lawyer under Eric Schrecter the third…"

At the mention of the word lawyer, Angela's face lost a little color, she didn't know that the woman who called that time was a lawyer. However on that occasion she did fold fast enough so maybe it wasn't that bad.

"… but I'm not worried since I was a Good Samaritan so…"

At this point Li decided it was necessary to intervene. "Miss Morgendorffer, I don't know why you aren't taking this seriously, this is not a game, being or not a Good Christian will not justify your reckless actions."

"Actually, in the eyes of the law it does, the Good Samaritan Laws in this state protect first responders from fear of being sued or prosecuted or those who choose to tend to others who are injured, ill, in peril, or otherwise incapacitated; in this case getting inside the house of the person at risk to make a call to 911 is covered by the law. Anyway then we needed to call the police to get the statement done after the ambulance arrived.

"Wait a second Miss Morgendorffer, what statement?"

"Well, Mrs. Johannsen made the same accusation to the EMTs, so they had to call the police; the cops filed a report…" At this point Daria stopped writing for a second and flipped back a few pages. "… AB-159347, were he took our statements and informed us of both the charges and of the Good Samaritan Law; he also got a few photos of the incident where we are clearly shown giving first aid to the alleged victim."

This last part did get a smile out of the now calm Jane. Only Daria could spin cops confiscating rude photos of the Fat Lady into physical evidence of our innocence.

Her next few words left a taste of ashes in the Principal's mouth, but she wasn't about to let the police and an irate lawyer get their hands into this mess; they would only need to recognize Dinozzo's company to bring chaos to LHS.

"I see, in the light of this information, I guess I can omit the suspension for now, however there is the matter of the fundraising itself." However she was going to have the last word.

"You have no overall problem with raising money for the coffeehouse?"

"I believe in coffee, coffee for everyone. But I don't want to sell any more chocolate bars. It makes me feel dirty."

"The bad kind of dirty." Jane now sure of her scholastic safety was throwing quips again.

"Well, I can't force you to do fundraising, but I can't give you credit for participating in the coffee house project, either."

"Not even after the efforts we put into improving the budget?"

Twist the knife a little deeper Miss Morgendorffer. "I'm afraid that while that was doable it is the duty of the faculty, not of the students." If looks could kill O'Neill would be prime material for a grave robber by now.

"Well, at least I get to do the decorations." Jane was a glass half full kind of person, the better to soak someone in Ultra Cola.

"Wait. Daria, what about what we discussed? Reading something on opening night." O'Neill on the other hand saw one more chance of getting the girl's boots on the stage.

"I don't think so."

"You do want this extracurricular activity, don't you?" At this point Li would take any kind of revenge, no matter how petty.

The coup de grace came from Jane of all people. A muttered rendition of Pop goes the Weasel.

"Fine."

"Fabulous!"

"You can go now, close the door when you leave. I have to talk with Mr. O'Neill about the budget and other concerns." O'Neill couldn't help but to feel a little pang of fear at those words.

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

Just outside the door, Jane realized that with all the confusion they hadn't been able to give the English teacher the money collected from the rest of the students.

"You know, we did forget to give O'Neill the combined loot."

"Yeah, but something tells me he wants to be interrupted now…" The screams of Li were loud enough to be heard through the door. "…so we should give him the money tomorrow morning."

When they were about to enter the classroom that was used as the meeting point of the fundraiser, they found Quinn walking in the hall, her expression was akin to the canary that ate the cat, and while her pockets were overflowing in a less than fashionable way she didn't care for once, since the golden rule of glamour was in effect: 'Those who got the money makes the trends'.

"Hey Daria, do you have any more phone cards?"

Jane was the first to get her voice back. "No, I think that you sold them all…"

"I must admit it sis, I'm impressed."

Quinn as always was basking in the glory, but did try to look humble for once. "Selling stuff is like fishing for boyfriends; you launch the bait, and then reel back the gold."

"I think that you're mixing your analogies Quinn. By the way, I think it's fair to ask since you are paying for it anyway, what would you prefer for the coffeehouse, an Espresso Machine capable of making cappuccino and macchiato, or a giant TV?"

"A cappuccino machine, as long as the coffee is caffeine free, and the milk is Light of course."

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

Daria and Jane were in the Morgendorffer's house; Jane was getting the most out of the last of her Polaroid film.

"Hold still." Jane was aiming carefully with the camera, for this to work the shot itself would have to be perfect.

"Doctor, is it going to hurt?" Daria was as immobile as a statue.

"You will fell just a little prick." Click.

Once the photo was taken Jane took Daria's pen from her hand and start using it, cap and all, to scratch around the still undeveloped film.

Once again able to move, Daria continue reading her different short works. "How about, 'The Bleakness That Lies Ahead'?"

"Too sentimental." The film was almost ready.

"'No Life, No Hope, No Future'?"

"Too pie in the sky." The picture was looking ok until now.

"'Mommy's Little Hypocrite'?"

"Too much like a children's book." Ready…

"I wish I were dead."

"That sounds promising." Ready… "Listen, you gotta give them something they'll really appreciate. Picture Kevin and Brittany drinking in your words like an elixir of knowledge. Heady... potent... seductive."

"Are you marketing your own fragrance now?" Daria remarked the last comment with a sigh. "I'm going to have to write something new for the occasion. Is it ready now?"

"Yeah, is it cool or what?" It was a photo of Daria, but her glasses looked as they contained a whirlpool, and the room around her was painted by Van Gogh rather that being part of a photograph.

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

It was finally the day of the inauguration of Café Lawndale, as far as they could see Kevin's father Doug Thompson had done an excellent job transforming the old cybercafé into an ode to the traditional coffee house of yore. After repairing the broken glass from the robbery and adding metal bars for extra protection, he and his company installed a small but functional kitchen in the back which connected with a bar holding the professional Espresso machine, with an assortment of cups of different sizes at its side. The biggest change however was the addition of a stage on the back of the room, one complete with the multiple curtains commonly used for theatre, the multiple color lamps for illumination, and a full sound set with speakers evenly distributed around the entire coffeehouse.

Jane and Daria had decorated the bare brick walls with a varied selection of photographs of the school's wackiest moments, like when the cheerleaders' pyramid collapsed, or the end result of the latest Pep Rally were plastered all around, with a space reserved for new pictures and a sign in it encouraging the customers to bring their own. The tables themselves had weird looking lamps with the dimmest bulbs possible that the girls got from a store in Dega Street. But they left the best for the roof, which was painted blue with some sort of white sparkles; at least until the lights were off, at which point the fluorescent paint would render an accurate picture of the sky's constellations inspired by the illustrations done on a college astronomy paper. Additional banners and posters had been added all around school for the last week.

All courtesy of the prime ratings of the insurance claim on several computers of the latest generation (it was a shame that no student ever heard of the source of the money, or they might have died from laughing so hard).

During the opening night both friends sat in one of the tables in Café Lawndale. What they would never admit to anyone, even under torture, was that when they looked at the full house on opening night they were filled with pride. This coffeehouse at the end of the day was as much their project as it was O'Neill's, more so in fact, as the teacher had spent the entire week getting in the way and giving useless advice.

First one of the senior stoners (and he was a stoner in every sense of the word) sang some lines before destroying his own guitar on stage then Brittany and Kevin mangled Romeo and Juliet's balcony scene in such a way that the Bard would have cried tears of shame for daring to write the inspiration for such abomination. Then it was the turn of Andrea.

"I'm here. But where are you? Sure, I see your body. Anybody home in that rotting bag of flesh?" After this last line she left the stage, with only a few polite claps being heard, Daria and Jane's among them.

"See? You don't want to do poetry for this crowd." Jane was now mentally preparing Daria for the stage through the medium of her usual quips.

"I think that was for the poem about killing a dog, many patrons look like dog people."

"Could be, Andrea always took the Poetic Justice with a bit too much poetry and too little justice. Well, there is O'Neill, I think now is the appropriate moment to wish you a broken arm, or was it leg? Just break whatever limb you think will bring you luck."

"Gee, thanks for the wishes of luck and maiming. Why don't you make yourself useful and check the sound."

"Yes my master, yes She-who-attracts-rotten-tomatoes."

It was at this point that Mr. O'Neill took his place on the stage as the host of the evening.

"Thank you very much, Andrea. It takes a lot of courage to expose your raw emotions that way."

Taking his cue from this the guy who was manning the spotlight turned it toward Andrea's table surprising her with a bottle of booze which she quickly moved behind her. Café Lawndale is an alcohol and smoke free establishment, at least until the school forgets about teacher supervision.

"Now, speaking of raw emotions, it's my pleasure to introduce one of Lawndale High's most gifted writers: Daria Morgendorffer."

Once again using her usual ferrous self-control to hide the butterflies in her belly from the rest of the audience Daria stepped up and started reading from a stack of papers.

"Thank you. Tonight I'd like to read a new story I've written entitled, 'Melody Powers and the Crystal Boutique'"

"_It had taken Melody Powers, Defense Lawyer and occasional lawbreaker more than half an hour to reach the roof of the mall, and another hour of timing the suspiciously well trained rent-a-cops to find a hole big enough in their patrols to sneak inside the Grassfield Mall. The easy part was over."_

The coffeehouse speakers began softly playing an instrumental piece of the kind used in mystery films to increase the suspense.

"_As Melody played with her set of lock picks, she reassured herself on the importance of her self-appointed mission, how would she exonerate John Grissham from the murder, if no one dared to investigate Velle and her chain of thrift stores 'Crystal Boutiques'. At last, with a final click, the door to the store's office was open."_

It was starting to attract the interest of the crowd, it wasn't instantaneous, but here and there a few bored teens started paying more attention.

"_It was weird, while she was sure this was Velle's office there was something wrong in there, the documentation in the desk was too bland, too insubstantial for the supposed volume of work, this was not the office of the CEO who controlled over 50 stores in the U.S. alone… this was a front. But a front for what?"_

To the shock of the people inside Café Lawndale Daria, for the first time in their collective memory, was putting some emotion into her voice other than annoyance or sarcasm. One unintended consequence of using her books as a method of escapism was that most of her inner walls and defense mechanisms were lowered whenever she read something truly interesting or emotional.

"_After her failure in Velle's office Melody decided to try some of her lackeys' offices, with luck there could be at least a clue of what was goi… what was that? The noise came from the store proper, but at this hour there shouldn't be anyone there. Carefully Powers went to the door that connected the administrative section with the store and crossed over."_

Thanks to her stage fright and the nerves from showing one of her stories to the public at large, Daria was unable to use her usual monotone, instead she had been projecting the inquisitiveness that until now had shaped Melody's actions, now tinted with a bit of caution and wariness.

"_Inside the store four young girls that Melody recognized as the Runway models that she'd met at last week's Crystal Boutique Fashion Parade, but they were quite different from the catty airheads that would criticize her clothing and didn't now what a textbook was for. Now they were pushing a heavy cart full of clothes, with no concern for their appearance and sweeping their surroundings with their patented thousand-yard stare. The single most frightening thing however was the absolute silence they worked in which was in sharp contrast to the rumor mongering and idiotic little giggles that followed them everywhere, even the bathroom."_

The cattiness of this last description wasn't all Melody, a little of the contempt Daria had for the Fashion Club leaked into her narrative.

"_The clique carried on with their duty, collecting certain clothes from the racks without any apparent reason, a sock from here, some loafers from there, all the while Powers shadowed them, hiding behind those same racks, trying to find a clue to what the hell they were doing, until they suddenly changed their pattern and when directly to the dressers in the Junior Ten's section. It was then that Melody accidently made a noise."_

Kevin and Brittany were holding each other, at first sight it could be interpreted as Kevin reassuring his girlfriend, but on careful examination it was he who was so tense he might jump any second now.

"_When the models heard the crash of the precariously balanced mannequin, Melody was hiding behind one of the displays nearby, when one of the zombies peeled herself from the rest to investigate she forced herself not to breathe and took cover to avoid discovery. It was only after she was sure than her enemy had lost interest that she finally raised her head, just to discover that the models and their cart were gone without a trace…"_

The sigh of relief in more than one voice was heard in the café, the tension in the room had been palpable.

"_This was impossible, there was no way they could have disappeared in the short moments she was too busy hiding, the exits were too far away and the cart itself was too big to cover anywhere. Calming herself she then went to the last place she saw them and started looking out for clues. Luckily the wheels of the cart had left a faint trace she could follow, although it ended in the dead end that was 'Fitting Room Eight'."_

Now Daria's voice was puzzled, as if she didn't knew what was happening.

"_Fitting Room Eight was a reserved dressing room, used by the ugly and unpopular people so that they couldn't pollute the regular clients; they even had a plaque explaining that on the door, and it didn't make any sense, Crystal Boutique already reserved the entrance to their facilities to a few of the rich and famous, there wasn't any need for such an obvious dressing room."_

That little piece of information she had learned on her very first visit to Cashman's with her mother. She was more than a little insulted when they took her to a changing room far away in the back of the shop, almost at the loading docks. This was her version of poetic justice.

"_Examining the dressing room Powers immediately noticed that for being a place reserved for whatever outcasts they couldn't kept out (and she was so going to sue the place for discrimination as soon as she was out of here) it was the biggest fitting room she had ever seen, dwarfing the rest by a wide, wide margin. Working on a hunch, she started softly knocking the walls, until one of them sounded different, less solid. It was then when she noticed that the hanger was out of place, a little too low and off-center to be comfortable; it could be another way to annoy the ugly people out of the establishment, but…"_

"But what?" A voice was heard in the café, before being silenced by more than a dozen angry stares.

"_When she pressed the hanger a false wall opened itself, revealing a ramp going down at a more or less gentle slope, a faint sound of machinery being heard alongside a sensation of heat. Following the road she finally reached a steel door, and beyond it a scene out of the third world… It was a sweatshop, filled to the brim with rail thin young girls working on sewing machines or with huge scissors, piles of fabric and clothes all around them, Melody noted with disgust that the children were bound to the tables with a rope tied to their ankles, and that from time to time some of the older women inside would hit those who didn't work fast enough."_

"What!" This time the cry came from Brittany, and looking at her furious visage no one dared to silence her.

"_Melody hid behind one of the stacks of clothing, using her small camera to get as many snapshots as possible of the illegal factory, this had officially become bigger than her, bigger than another corporation playing hardball with their suppliers, the knowledge that such a place existed under the Crystal Boutique would be enough to destroy Velle's imperium in a single stroke. It was then that she saw one of the doors open and entered the Fashion Mafia carrying their loot from upstairs… no it was wrong to call them that, they were victims as well. They got the dresses carefully laid on top of one of the piles of clothes, and then began cutting them open to subtract small pouches filled with a white powder."_

Now Mr. O'Neill was looking shocked, worried and frightened as he catalogued in his mind the references to various crimes.

"_Drugs, now it all made sense, the Crystal Boutique was used as a front to get high quality heroin to the high society of Grassfield, they used selected clothes to hide the cargo and restricted the clientele to limit the number of people that could discover them. Then they used illegal and desperate girls to both be couriers and do the heavy lifting, getting the most beautiful ones to work as models while virtually brainwashing them and then keeping them high between parties. Now she needed to get out with the photos and call the cops to deal with… There was a shadow moving behind her, she needed to…"_

The patrons of the coffeehouse were silent, high on adrenalin fueled by Melody Powers, and to a man they all jumped when the buzz of a clock that Jane had added to time and limit the duration of the different performances sounded off for the first time in the night, Daria had timed her narrative to the last second.

"Thank you for withstanding my voice this evening, good night." Her usual monotone was back with a vengeance.

The complaints from the public didn't take long.

"You must be kidding…"

"What happened to Melody?"

"What about the children, are they going to be okay?"

"We should find that Crystal Boutique and burn it to the ground."

"Does the mall even have one of those?"

"We should burn the mall to be sure."

"Once the conversation veered into forming a mob, Daria went back to the stage and gave a small statement.

"Do any of you want to risk burning Melody Powers inside the Mall?

It was Kevin the one who answered the question. "Umm… No?"

"Are you asking me or telling me?"

"No, of course not."

"Well, I guess that if you want to find out if Melody has become one of Velle's zombies you will have to come back next week."

The audience was silent for a moment; then, Kevin jumped up and cheered, followed by the rest of the coffeehouse patrons.

Jane was waiting at their table with a sardonic smile on her face. "What, you had the chance to start a mob and you let it go?"

"Well, I bet that if I had started a mob, Li would force us to clean up after it."

"Us? One more time with the We. And what about the next week part… Don't tell me that you actually liked to be in the spotlight."

"I guess that to have the control over the idiotic masses had an effect on me, I kind of liked me being the center of attention instead of my sister for once."

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

It was two days later when once again Daria was reading the paper alongside her family when they found the article, due to the content Jake took the decision to read it out loud.

"'Café Lawndale a new place for the meeting of young minds.' Isn't that the coffeehouse you are working for?"

"Yeah, so what does the Fifth Power says about the place?"

"After the break in and robbery of Lawndale High School 'alt(dot)lawndale(dot)com last week' LHS' students and authorities decided not to fall into despair, and with an enormous show of ingenuity, effort, and cooperation the students working in close co-operation with teacher Timothy O'Neill and principal Angel Li transformed the former cybercafé into the newest young adult coffeehouse in the city. In the words of Angela Li: 'This place will help the younger members of the society of Lawndale express and develop their creativity in a safe environment free of smoke and alcohol, this generation and those who follow will bring great honor to Lawndale High School and the community.' During the first night of Café Lawndale there was a varied show of music, poetry, theatre and a stimulating thriller to close the event."

"Breakfast meeting at the Royalton." huffed Helen as she rushed out. Everyday Eric depended a little more on her mother. "That was good, right?"

"But you haven't even tasted my soufflé." However, a good daughter should make an effort to remind the family about the important stuff.

"That's my girl! I'm so glad that your coffeehouse was such a great success, don't you think so Quinn?

"I wasn't there. I had a real date."

"And you missed the part were we named the Espresso Machine in your honor."

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

That night Daria took the letter of recommendation that O'Neill was forced by her to sign. It detailed her work in both helping with the restructuring of the original budget, her administrative, decorative and organizational support in the creation of Café Lawndale and the fact that she was currently part of the administrative staff in charge of the books as well as an occasional performer.

She was going to send the original to the Sloane Foundation to support her claim, while other copies would be sent to many other lesser scholarships to see if anyone was interested.

While Melody Power's first short story was rushed and full of plot holes, the basic plot did have a certain charm, she would only need to expand the locations, create the appropriate background and connect the different events in the plot with a longer coherent timeline. Once it was over she would edit a copy for a few magazines, in the hope that at least one would publish it.

It had been a good week after all…

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

A large part of this chapter is based on the short story 'Melody Powers and the Crystal Boutique' written for my own Iron Chef.

As always opinions, comments and criticisms are extremely appreciated.

** I ** II ** III ** IV **


	5. Chapter 05a:A week in the Life

Chapter 05: A week in the life…

Part 01: Actions

Disclaimer: Daria and associated characters are owned by MTV and Viacom. This is fan fiction written for entertainment only. No money or other negotiable currency or goods have been exchanged. Special thanks to the Outpost Daria for the Transcripts available there, they were invaluable tools for the development of this chapter, and in the future I hope I can be less reliant on them.

This is the first half of 'chapter 05: A week in the life…' and since the end result was bigger than expected I decided to divide it from Monday to Thursday, and from Friday to Sunday.

This chapter is dedicated to peetz5050 for his invaluable efforts proof reading making it legible.

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

Monday, for most people both young and old, is a day of doom, the day when the weekend's fun is officially over and it is time to face harsh reality once more. For Daria and Jane Monday held no particular aversion. They were realists, they knew beyond any reasonable doubt that most days will suck to a greater or lesser extent, not just the first working day.

"So how did you do on Mr. Demartino's quiz?"

"Surprisingly good, it's quite amazing what you can learn when doing a term paper on Civil War Photography for a Masters in Humanities." answered Jane.

"Yeah, I suspected that you did well when your cries of fear and doom didn't join the ones from the rest of the class."

"A shame we can't expand the business to the school, such an enormous unexplored market full of unexplored heads."

"Well, you know that ancient proverb, 'Never piss in your own pool', plus most teens are poor and unable to match our rates."

"Better this way, the workload we already have is already cutting into my allotted slacking time, if I keep going like this, Trent will start checking for Pod People under his bed."

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

Professor Anthony Demartino's freshman class wasn't as happy with their results as the couple of cynical sophomores, in fact the teacher's red marker had run out when marking the grades.

"…and the final qUEStion, who was HeRNAn CorTEs? I will give you a clue… He wasn't part of the EnGLIsh parLIAment." Demartino wasn't satisfied at all with their quiz, not happy at all.

"But, like who would knows who that Hector guy was? I mean, he is like kinda dead, so who cares?"

"Hernan Cortes, Miss Morgendorffer, not Hector. And maybe if some people cARe to pay atTENtion IN class instead of reaDIng usELess teen maGAZines they would get something higher than baREly a C. "

The rest of the rant that Demartino had ready for the fashion conscious girl was interrupted by the timely ring of the bell for next period. Quinn hastily made an exit to the cafeteria to meet with Sandi and the rest of the Fashion Club.

At the table that the Fashion Club had reserved for themselves at the beginning of the year Sandi was already waiting for her to start their meeting.

"Secretary Stacy, please annotate the late arrival of the vice-president and the opening of this session of the Fashion Club" It seemed that Sandi wasn't in a good mood.

"Yes, Sandi."

"Now the first topic of the day is the official inquiry into the involvement of Vice-President Quinn in unfashionable activities."

"But Sandi, the first topic is supposed to be Tiffany's, I mean the Accessories Committee report."

"Yes… I was about to… talk… about laces."

"Well, as the president of the Fashion Club it is my duty to choose which matter is more important, and at this time I've decide to discuss Quinn's transgressions."

"Wait a second, what transgression?" This was bad, Sandi would never have said something like that unless she was pretty sure of herself.

"Remember that you missed last week's second emergency reunion of the Fashion Club?"

"The one where we were going to punish Tiffany? I did ask for a special exception due to parental intervention, and turned my vote to you as a proxy, all legal." Where was she going with all this?

"Yes… I remember… Stacy voted no on the nightcap… Sandi voted yes… and Quinn voted yes…"

"You forgot to tell us what you were supposed to do Quinn. Stacy, could you please tell me what the cousin of the sister of the friend of your neighbor said."

"Well he said that he bought Quinn a phone card last week to call her aunt Sissy in Miami, and then he told me that he bought it for a good cause, to open that student coffeehouse. Oh, and then he asked me for her number." Stacy was feeling guilty for ratting on Quinn, but she could never withstand the arctic gaze of Sandi, at least not for long.

"Exactly, you abandoned your responsibility to the Fashion Club to help raise money for that geeky, smelly place Quinn. That is a most serious crime."

"Look, I am innocent, innocent I tell you, my geeky sister told my parents that she was helping there, and they forced me to go and work in the sun… it was horrible."

"Sandi, could we be merciful? She didn't want to do it." Poor Quinn, to be all sweaty in the sun, isn't that punishment enough already?

"We could if this was the first incident. But this is the third time that your geeky sister has affected your judgment in relation to Fashion Club Business."

After taking a moment to enjoy Quinn's suffering, Sandi began to enumerate the Sins committed. "First you lie to your fellow comrades of the Fashion Club about your relationship with that freaky glasses girl."

"Really freaky… she doesn't even wear… make-up… and her clothes are… ugly."

"Can you blame me for trying to cut all ties with her? She is a nightmare, a curse…"

"Then your sister disrupted a party, not just any party, the party of a popular cheerleader, threw water at members of the football team, and then you left with her, just like that." This part was particularly sweet for Sandi, to have three big football players fighting for the red haired girl was so infuriating, so the moment that the boys were drenched and Quinn was dragged out of the party in shame became a favorite memory, one that told her that Quinn had a weak point to poke with a stick as much as possible.

"She didn't give me an option, she kidnapped me from the party. I'm the victim here, victim of her disgusting lack of fashion."

"It doesn't matter if you were forced or not, we cannot allow her freakiness to infect the rest of the members of the Fashion Club. I propose a vote to put Vice-President Quinn on probation. If she does not find an adequate Fashionable activity for us to enjoy by the end of the week, she is to be put on an indefinite Sabbatical. Votes in favor?"

"Ewww… freakiness." With that insightful comment Tiffany raised her hand.

"Well I think that maybe we could give Quinn a chance…" Then she felt rather than saw the deathly glare that Sandi throw in her direction and folded like a house of cards in the middle of a hurricane. "Eppp!" Her hand was raised too.

"It is decided. You have until Friday to justify your position in the club."

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

Quinn was already dreading meeting Daria by accident in the halls, so when at the end of the last period she saw the infamous green jacket coming through the door of the English classroom, she almost had a heart attack there and then.

"Ohh Ghaud! What are you doing here, are you trying to ruin me?" At the scream and subsequent resurgence of her slight and mostly forgotten Texas accent, the remaining students (thankfully none of them part of the Fashion Club) turned towards her in curiosity and confusion.

"Quinn, despite what you think, you are not the center of the universe, and much less the center of my universe. I just need to talk with Mr. O'Neill about Café Lawndale." The teacher's eternal look of confusion at the scene playing in front of him was, at least on this occasion, partially justified. Daria was wondering what was happening to her sister today, usually she wasn't that high strung.

"Just stay away from me ok. Nobody and I mean nobody can see me with you this week." Having said those words Quinn ran out of the classroom as fast as possible.

"Wasn't that your sister Delia, I mean Daria?" He did manage to correct himself in time, after all the experiences of the last week, he had finally learned the names of some of the most troubled and troublesome students of his career.

"Yes, she is probably worried about her individuality, lately we have been so close together that maybe she wants some 'Me' time." The sarcasm was so intense in the sentence that even a six year old could have detected it…

"Yes I think I see." …so of course O'Neill would believe every word. "Well, what's the matter with the Café, have you reconsidered making a second appearance?"

"Surprisingly enough yes, I wish to participate this Thursday night with the conclusion of my Melody Powers story."

"Oh Daria, I'm so proud to see you opening up to your peers in such a bold way. However, don't you think that the Saturday would be a better time? You could show your work to a wider audience. And talking about your work, maybe something more… or less… something… maybe better?" The words failed the teacher when trying to describe what he wanted without hurting the feelings of his now favorite student.

"Better?" thought Daria, then twisting her face into a hideous parody of a bright smile she enthused "Umm… I think you're right, on Saturday I could use the football team to organize a mob like the one that almost formed at my last performance. And I think that my Melody Powers story lacks blood and violence and is too hopeful… Maybe if I transformed her into a cold war spy, one of the ones that has a kill count in the hundreds... Yes, that would drive the rest of the patrons into a killing frenzy..."

"Oh my… I think that having you in the Thursdays is an excellent idea, plus your Melody Powers shows a social problem in a... an… original way, that's it, an original way."

"Well, the second reason I came here is for you, the Director and academic supervisor of the Café Lawndale, to sign these for me." As she said this to Mr. O'Neill she extracted a bunch of papers from her backpack.

"What are those? Did I forget to sign something related to the contractors, or about the budget?"

"Relax, you didn't forget anything, however it is related to the budget and other activities of the Coffeehouse that Jane and I realized."

Now that O'Neill was certain he didn't screw up something this time he relaxed again.

"These are a series of letters of recommendation for both Jane and I. The first one is related to the efforts we both made relating to the restructuring of the budget for Café Lawndale, as well as the administrative work we did prior to the opening. For me there is one where my participation with my story on stage is properly detailed and for Jane this one shows her decorations in the coffeehouse and the posters and banners designed for it. You need to sign the papers and endorse the pictures and posters on the back please."

At this exposition O'Neill was so dazzled that he complied without comments or complaints. Daria realized that she or anyone else at school could have any kind of paper signed just by confusing him with words. If Quinn ever found out…

Finally O'Neill finished with the papers and recovered the ability to speak once more. "So Daria? What do you need these letters for? Not that I think it's a bad idea, you deserve some recognition for your hard work…"

Daria picked the papers from the desk before answering in one of her most evil monotones. "Well, from time to time there is a little voice in my mind that tells me weird things, things like be good, play nice with others, eat your vegetables. It is bothersome, so from now on every time that little voice sounds in my head I will show it these papers that demonstrate beyond any doubt that I have done so, then that little voice will stop talking and I will be free to kick as many puppies as I desire."

With that parting comment she left the classroom with a terror stricken teacher behind.

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

Quinn was worried, this time Sandi had managed to catch her with her pants down, and led her into a conundrum, while the Fashion Club was not that important for her already well established popularity, it was still necessary in a number of ways. It gave her an excuse to frequently buy new clothes, and that was an excuse that wouldn't work as well in, let's say the 'Pep Club' where she would need to wear the school colors all the time, and that was like so out of fashion. It also prevented her mother from forcing her to find something to do with her evenings, allowing her to basically live in Cashman's and have dates almost everyday.

And there was the fact that it gave her the power to say We instead of I; no matter how popular someone is in the school, there are limits to how much people will listen to a single person, the example was Tori Jericho, the single announcer for the popularity of the LHS students, but she was only allowed to comment, not to designate. However a group, even one as small as the Fashion Club, can lend weight to one's words, they can tell the world what to wear or who is popular or not, and people would listen.

And there were penalties for getting thrown out of such an exclusive club, while she could easily joint the 'Pep Club' or any number of popular teams and clicques, the stigma of expulsion would limit her ability to reach the top; people would be wondering what exactly happened to get her ousted, and the rumor mill would be working overtime as well, probably fueled by Sandi, she shuddered to think what kind of terrible things could emerge from the collective imagination of an entire high school.

But the worst thing was to lose her fellow fashionettes and the fun activities they did together. Things like checking the latest arrivals at Cashman's and commenting on how bad they look, or comparing a particular tone of blush on all of their skins. Even the constant political battles with Sandi were fun and useful, plus they allowed her to sharpen her claws for use against more dangerous opponents like her mother, or Daria.

She needed to find a way to get out of this mess, like right now.

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

Quinn spent the night checking through her fashion magazines and catalogues, but any idea she got had either been used in previous sessions of the fashion club, or was too bland, or not fashionable enough. The only decent idea she'd had until now was a charity makeover project to help unfashionable people not to choose the wrong clothes and stuff. However Sandi probably wasn't feeling too charitable, but maybe she would like to have someone new to boss around so maybe it could work… unless she demanded that Quinn get her sister as the first test subject…

Fearing her impending doom Quinn went downstairs to the kitchen to eat her breakfast, as usual she was the last of the Morgendorffers to arrive to the table, Dad was cooking some fried eggs full of fattening grease, while Mom was already on the phone with that guy Eric, her geek of a sister was as usual reading that newspaper at the table, doing her best to ignore everyone as if she was someone too important to worry about things that mattered, like boys and clothes.

"No Eric, the deposition is on your desk… No I will not go to the office and bring it to your home… well, you will have to go to the office and get it, and I'll arrive in 45 minutes. Goodbye."

As her mother finished chastising her boss, Daddy came to the table with the first batch of fried eggs for Helen. "Here you go sweetheart, fried eggs with a piece of bacon on the side. Now kiddo, how do you like your eggs this morning?"

Daria didn't look up from the morning paper when giving her answer. "I would like my avian embryos mangled and semi-congealed please."

"That's disgusting Daria."

"Ewww…"

"Dammit, where can I get all that stuff? I don't know what half of those things are."

"Don't worry dad, I just asked for scrambled eggs." Quinn could feel her infuriating half smile behind that cursed newspaper.

"Scrambled eggs, I can do that. And what about you Quinn, how would you like your eggs?"

"Like I can't afford even an extra ounce this week, so give me only the white of the egg."

"The white of the egg? That doesn't sound very filling, and what am I supposed to do with the yolk?"

"I don't know Daddy, throw the yolk in the trash or something."

"Quinn, you cannot throw food in the garbage just because you don't want it." 'Oops, Mom is not happy.'

"Dad, why don't you add it to your own scrambled eggs, that will give more consistency to your chili." Daria's face was still hidden under the paper.

"Good idea, thanks kiddo."

Her father prepared her eggs just as she wanted, as well as Daria's mess and his own stomach bomb, then the whole family started eating in an uncomfortable silence until Helen decided to break it with a question.

"And Quinn, how was your day yesterday, we didn't have a chance to talk last evening, were you doing homework?"

'Homework, homework? There are more important things than homework.' thought Quinn.

"No Mom, everything's wrong at the Fashion Club, my position right now is at risk. I was trying to find a solution."

"And what's the problem dear?"

"The problem is that yesterday I was impeached by Sandi due to D…" At that point Quinn stopped for a second to think about what she was going to say. 'If I say anything about me denying that Daria was my sister mom is going to put me on her lap and spank me for the first time since forever, If I tell her about the time she interrupted the fight the Three J's were having over me then dad might forbid me for dating the guys again, and no more football players at my beck and call, and with all the praises they had been singing to Daria, complaining about the fundraiser might not be a good idea either."…stuff. But now I'm on probation and I need to find a reason to keep me in."

"Well Quinn in my career I have found that the best way of being kept on the job is to become indispensable." The moment she said that last word the phone started ringing again. "Dammit Eric, can't you find your own socks by yourself."

"Thanks Mom, always teaching by example."

"Hey Dad, can you lend me your credit card, I think I need to buy a few accessories for the rest of the members of the Fashion Club, maybe some jewelry."

"Dammit Quinn, I'm not made of money, ask your mother."

"Quinn, you are not going to bribe your way into the Fashion Club, if you need to give them gifts in order to keep them as your friends, then you're better off without them."

"But then if she applies your advice Mom, she would have no boyfriends at all."

"Daria, if you're not helping then shut up."

'It's clear that Daria doesn't care about my social demise' mused Quinn. 'She's just there, drinking hot cocoa from that mug, and flipping the pages of that thrice damned newsp…'

It was then that Quinn, forgetting about everything else, just stood up and snatched away the paper from her sister's hands, taking a single sheet and returning the remaining mess to Daria.

'This is it, now I can show Sandi that there is a way for me to contribute to the development of fashion in the school. Now where exactly is this?'

By the time the rest of the table got their wits back Quinn was already at her computer printing maps and ads from the internet with far more zeal than when doing any kind of school work.

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

A little later she realized that she'd lost all sense of time and it was getting late for school, so in her rush it was no wonder that she both forgot to turn off the computer and that she'd left Mr. Demartino's Quiz on top of the books from the previous day.

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

For Daria Tuesdays were a day of untold exertions and endless pain, a day of humiliation and shame, a day of Physical Education under Mrs. Morris. The girls' class wasn't divided between brains and populars, it was divided between the fit and the unfit. While Jane and Brittany were definitely part of the first group, Daria was clearly part of the second, and it showed.

Since it was still early on the school year, Morris put the girls through a series of calisthenics to ensure they were fit enough for the team sports that would be played later. That meant an almost unlimited number of sit-ups, push-ups and pull-ups would be done by the students, often preceded and followed by laps. At least it was a safer program that the infamous focus on agility (cheerleader practice) that would be applied in the beginning of spring.

As always Jane and Daria were paired together to withstand the misery this class gave them, in the case of Daria the physical misery of completing a series of painful exercises while using equipment that didn't quite fit, in the case of Jane, who was by all accounts a remarkable athlete, the moral support to face the bane of all three previous Lanes, Coach Morris. Said torturer approached at the moment when Daria was holding Jane's legs for her sit-ups while counting out loud.

"Ladies. Are you lazing around or are you working?"

"No, I'm not doing sit-ups…" Jane's dislike was inherited from the terror stories of her sisters, and then ratified in the first five minutes of the first class more than a year ago.

"… And I'm not holding… ten… her properly holding her legs so that she… fifteen… can exercise the abdominal muscles." Daria on the other hand learned to hate the authoritarian and rude woman all by herself as soon as she heard her attitude towards Jane.

"Jane Lane, you're a comedian just like your sister Penny, aren't you? Unable to fit in with the team, just coasting around."

"Are you coasting around Jane? I thought that you… twenty-five… were doing the required exercises in the proscribed… thirty… manner, just the kind of thing that the school demands… thirty-five…, nothing more and nothing less."

"You Miss Morgendorffer usually work yourself to death on these exercises and the ensuing punishments when you run your mouth off, you're never going to end up in any team but at least you give your 100% unlike Jane here who squanders her ability. You should learn not to hang out with people like Lane, she is a rotten fruit, and she will spoil you too. I'll be watching." Then the teacher left to harass a different student.

"Well, that was fun, now I know why Summer used to have her boyfriends throw stones at her windows. Thanks Daria, this particular dog never stops barking so soon unless you're here."

"No problem, after all P.E. teachers… forty-five… are my natural foe, to fight one is as natural as air to me, especially one that treats their students… fifty… worse than old Coach Buzzcut."

"You'll have to tell me later, 'cause I finished my series, and that means it's your turn."

"I guess that it is true that life is suffering, and this is hell's door. Please start counting, I'm afraid I'm going to need the air to survive."

As Daria started her own series of sit-ups at a much lower pace than her partner in crime, Jane thought that old Morris did get something right in her latest rant, Daria always put a 100% of herself into the things that she believed mattered, even in physical activities that she utterly detested and in which she would always be unable to match the efforts of others. Her reasons when asked were that she didn't want to lose her vacations to some sort of sport camp that her parents would surely send her to if she ever failed P.E.

She also used the classes as a way to burn away their frequent afternoon pizzas, it seemed that while both Quinn and Daria shared the excellent metabolism of their father they still needed a little extra to kept themselves at an ideal weight, in Quinn's case that was done by dieting, in Daria's case it was done by long walks home in her heavy boots and the school's mandatory exercises.

The end result however was an utterly tired and pained girl, who was ready to collapse after each set, and that would only end that segment of class on pure willpower. And just when the last of the calisthenics was over it would be the time to run laps, and this part would be done without Jane, who at her friend's insistence would let herself go and do the laps at her best speed just to infuriate Morris a little more.

Minutes later said Coach was checking the progress of the students and saw Jane Lane running Jennifer Oaks, the second best of the female track team, into the ground. Lane was probably the best runner she ever saw in the last ten years, only her sister would be close in ability, and here she was running like that and unwilling to support the school and bring glory to herself and the team, and that was Morris's definition of a loser.

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

Later that day Quinn used her capacity as Vice-President to call for an extraordinary session, the venue for the meeting was in Pizza King where she bought Cheeseless Pizza and Diet cokes for the fashionettes while she expounded her contribution to the goals of the Fashion Club.

"Stacy, please note that the Fashion Club has responded to the Vice-President's call for an emergency meeting, and that if it is not important enough she will be put on a sabbatical way sooner."

"…ay sooner. Ready Sandi."

"I asked for this emergency meeting of the Fashion Club to propose a Fact Finding Mission to the latest, biggest, cutest place in like ever, the Mall of the Millennium."

"The Mall… of the Millennium, it is… really big…"

"Oh, I always wanted to go to the Mall of the Millennium, they've got a skorts only shop."

"Wait a second, as the President of the Fashion Club I need to make sure this is not a half baked idea, Quinn, do you have a plan for this fact finding mission?"

"…and they've got… shops nicer than Cash…"

At that point Quinn got an assortment of printed papers from between her books "Yes Ms. President, I have here a map of the mall and prints of the most chic shops in the place, we could use them to choose the order we visit the different shops."

"Umm, Quinn, I mean Vice-President Quinn, how can we go there? I don't think that my parents will give me a ride, they are kind of angry about Mr. Demartino's last quiz."

"Good question Secretary Stacy, how are we getting there Vice-President?"

"I'll have dad drive us in the SUV, so that we have enough space for us and the shopping, we can let him go to a camping shop or something, while we experience the Mall."

"…man's."

"Acceptable, all in favor of Vice-President Quinn's plan of action, pending date and mode of transportation?"

This time the hand raising was immediate and unanimous.

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

Earlier that day Helen had arrived sooner than expected to Schloss Morgendorffer, Eric had finally let her deliver the deposition for the Free Food case, and she wasn't surprised it had been much faster that way, rather than explaining every little detail to her boss for him to explain it to the client.

When she went up the stairs to put on some more comfortable shoes she heard the soft sound of the computer in Quinn's room.

"Quinn honey, are you there?" When no answer came she went inside the room and found that Quinn was nowhere to be seen and her computer had been left on.

"Dammit Quinn, electricity doesn't grow on trees." As she went to turn off the PC she saw Monday's Quiz.

"Umm… History… Hernan Cortes… C!"

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

Meanwhile Jane and Daria were in Casa Lane doing the most recent commissions from Middleton, and for once Jane had bitten off more than she was able to chew.

"Who would have thought that any teacher in Middleton would be sadistic enough to ask for a paper on the mathematics of Leonardo Da Vinci's paintings?"

"Who would have thought that there would be a teacher in Middleton capable of even understanding the question, not to mention the answer?"

"Who would have thought that… Argg! I cannot do this Daria, I know I can actually do a fairly good imitation of the Last Supper if I have a canvas big enough, but this thing about a golden rectangle and the mathematical formula for vanishing points is too confusing, those I usually just do."

"Well it shouldn't be that hard, they didn't have a computer in the Renaissance, so it should be possible to do it on a paper, at least it's not Fractal Art, for those we would need about a forest worth of notebooks." If anyone else would have made that comment, Jane would have been going for the jugular by now, but her friend's voice didn't have a shred of sarcasm or mockery in it, and over the last few weeks she had become adept at detecting those.

The next two hours were expended on an improvised class on the relationship between Leonardo Da Vinci and mathematics and something called the Golden Ratio. At the beginning it had been slow and painful, with each new concept making Jane more confused, so after a while Daria decided to tackle the problem from a different angle, she took one of her father's art books and put a piece of paper in front of it, then asked Jane to reproduce the basic effect that they were investigating, and then giving the arithmetic or geometric rationale for the action. Once Jane was able to link the concepts to their practical application things went smoothly.

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

After discussing with the Fashion Club the likely targets for their assault on the new hunting grounds they were about to visit, Quinn returned home far more confident in her ability to continue as an active Vice-President. It was only when she interrupted the middle of dinner that she found a fatal flaw in her plans…

"Hey Dad, hey Mom, I'm sorry but I already ate with the Fashion Club, we were in a special meeting."

"Well, dear did you make peace with the rest of your club?

"Yes I took what you told me about making myself indispensable Mom, so I thought that maybe a Fact finding mission would be the best way to do it. So I was wondering Daddy if you would take us there this weekend for shopping."

"Not a problem sweetheart, where is this Mall of the Century?"

"Its called the Mall of the Millennium, and it's here." At this point she got the newspaper article she'd stolen from Daria that morning and pointed to an address.

It took a few seconds for Jake to calculate the distances involved, but when he did the response didn't take long. "A hundred miles? To go to a mall? Dammit, there's a mall five minutes away!"

"Sit down, dear. We're not going."

Her parents were putting their foot down, and she wasn't going to get her way for once…

"Ohhhhh. Oh." Cooling down Jake managed to sit back in his chair and do his breathing exercises.

"It's not a mall, it's a super mall! The Mall of the Millennium. Shop there forever!" Quinn was still trying to change her parents' opinions; there was a lot of stuff at stake.

"If you play that John Lennon song backwards, it says, 'Imagine all the people, browsing in a mall.' Isn't that weird?" Daria, who didn't have a reason to keep quiet, and was enjoying Quinn's suffering, had decided to add her two cents worth to the conversation.

"It's too far away, Quinn, and you've done enough shopping for this quarter."

"Muh-om! As vice president of the Fashion Club, I need to know what's out there!"

"Vice-president? Did you know she was vice president, Helen?"

"Yes, Jake."

"Of the Fashion Club!"

"Yes, Jake. Vice-president of the Fashion Club." She did tell them at least once a week after all, but then by the same token Jake was always tuning her out.

"Do you think this tie works?" He then showed a tie to his daughter for close inspection.

"Hmmm. It's nice, Daddy, but I think a mandarin collar would really set off your strong jaw line. Now, if you drive me to the Mall of the Millennium..." Quinn didn't waste the chance to change one of the parents' minds.

"No more malls until you bring up your scores, I already saw your Monday Quiz, and I hope you can do better."

"Exactly. What's wrong with her scores?

"She had a history paper where she got a C, Jake."

"How will I hold my head up in the Fashion Club?"

"A traction pulley?" Daria was truly enjoying the fact that her parents weren't laying down the law on her.

"Just because you're not interested in what's new and attractive and popular..."

"Oh, I'm interested. But why go a mere 100 miles away? I bet they have some fascinating malls in Southeast Asia."

"Southeast Asia? To go to a mall? Dammit!" Jake's usually abysmal sarcasm detector was even more broken than usual after the revelation of the mall location and Quinn's C."

"Sit down, dear. It was a joke. And as for you young lady, we are not taking you to this Mall, you will have to live with what you've got here in the town." Helen was ok, but she was still mad at Quinn so she let her eldest's comments pass.

"Ohhhhh. Oh."

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

It was on her first class on Wednesday that Daria truly learned the meaning of irony… well, not really, she knew from long before the meaning of the word and she had been on both sides of many practical examples, however the events in Economics class did fit perfectly with her previous experiences on the subject.

"In economics, we call this flow. We have a scenario of supply and demand, where a new demand is created by a previous supply. Does everyone follow?" Mrs. Bennett was one of Principal Li's protégées, who, in addition to her teaching duties, was in charge of drafting the budget for the School District, therefore wielding considerable power.

"Can anyone give me a concrete representation of this abstract theory?" She was also a less than stellar teacher whose greatest fault is an inability to properly explain the lessons to the students, especially using visual aids.

"Daria?" Therefore she depended on the few students that did understand her ill advised graphics to translate for the rest in terms they're able to comprehend.

"If we're talking concrete, I'd have to go with that repository of human greed and debasement: the mall." In this case her example harked back to the previous night dinner's topic, a place to which even the most idiotic member of the classroom was able to relate.

"Very good, Daria. The mall is a very beautiful illustration of all these economic principles. In fact, it would make for an excellent field trip."

"All right! Field trip!" Kevin was a simple guy, so simple things like doing something new provoked enthusiasm in him, at least until he found himself bored again.

He leaned over to Daria to ask her something that may or may not be important. "Where are we going, man?"

"The field." Daria had already started her now standard procedure of transcribing the delusions of the teachers whenever they are about to abuse her words, like right now.

"Cool." 'And if Kevin was an indication, there were not going to be many complaints from the rest of the classroom.' Daria fumed in silence.

"We'll visit that brand new Mall of the Millennium. It's a perfect emblem of a modern day economic structure." Another perk of being in charge of the budget was the fact that you'd always know whenever there are available buses and the money to pay for the gas. And since she didn't want to drive the full distance to the place, well Angela wouldn't mind a new learning experience.

"Um, I think that's a really bad idea."

"Don't be silly, Daria. It's your idea and it's perfect." 'Two for two, are all the teachers here able to use selective hearing like this?' Daria thought after hearing the teacher's response to her complaint.

"I second Daria. The mall is a dangerous influence on today's teens and the fluorescent lights give you seizures." Jane was showing both solidarity and her unwillingness to go to a place where she was going to be harassed by sales people.

"We'll take a vote. All in favor of a class trip to the mall next Friday instead of our usual surprise quiz?"

When the vote was worded that way, there was no surprise to hear the entire group of teens cheer in approval…

"All opposed?"

…With a couple of exceptions, of course.

"This is great! Kevin and I love going to the mall during school. Noting her slip of the tongue Brittany amended her initial response. "I mean, between classes. I mean... what do I mean, babe?" …Without success.

"What's the difference, babe? You look hot." On the other hand Kevin didn't even realize the problem in the first place, but supported his girlfriend none the less.

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Bennett. I can't go to the mall. I have a condition."

"What are you talking about, Daria?"

"If I'm in an enclosed space for too long, I get hives."

"But you're in an enclosed space now."

"Yes... and I'm really itchy?" By this point she was indeed looking a little pale and pained.

"These hives get bad, Mrs. Bennett, I've seen them. They drip with puss."

That last statement from Jane provoked the class to act with the decorum of elementary students, screaming in revulsion. Daria responded to the gruesome description by giving Jane a half hearted glare, looking a little worse for wear.

"Just trying to help." Jane shrugged without an ounce of shame.

After that the class continued as normal, with some of the students chatting animatedly about the trip whenever Bennett turned to draw her infamous graphs on the board. Daria never stopped her ill act until all of the students left for the next class and Jane realized that it wasn't an act.

"Hey, are you okay? Do you really get hives whenever you think about a Mall? That would explain so much."

"Ha, ha, Lane, you're a comedian. No, I don't have hives, just some really nasty cramps. I think I'm a little earlier than usual."

"Sucks to be you, want to go to the nurse office for a Midol?"

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

While Quinn's parents refused to take her to the Mall of the Millennium, they hadn't forbidden to go there either, a fact that she interpreted as tacit approval to get her own ride. For that reason she began searching for the Three J's.

The plan was perfect, while their cars were smaller than her mother's SUV, they would have three cars instead of one to get the Fashion Club there, plus they would serve as pack mules to carry the bags on the shopping trip; she would travel with Joey on the ride to the mall, Jeffy on the ride home, and Jason… well she would surely think about something for him not to feel left out.

Finally after wandering in the halls for a while she found her desperate suitors approaching from the gym.

"Hey, Quinn, good morning, can I escort you to your next class?" Jeffy decided to take the initiative against his friends.

"Hey, Quinn, this is a lovely day, can I carry your backpack?" Joey on the other hand tried to be more of a gentleman.

"Hey, Quinn, I could carry you to wherever you want, so that you don't have to walk." Jamie's approach could be described as unconventional at best.

Quinn, happy to see her usual thralls said hello to them and then "Hi, Jeffy, hi Joey, hi Jackson…" "Jamie" he corrected. "…Whatever. I need a favor."

"Anything."

"Everything."

"Whatever you want Quinn."

"I need to go to the Mall of the Millennium this Saturday, and I'm hoping I to go with one of you." 'This trip is in the bag already.' Quinn gloated to herself.

"This Saturday?"

"Don't we have football practice on Saturday, and maybe even a practice game?"

"If we miss practice Coach Gibson is going to use us for tackle practice."

"He'll have our hides and use them as towels for the weight training."

"He might kick us out of the team."

At this last statement Quinn finally realized the real problem. 'If they're kicked from the team, then I'll not have football players to date, everyone else is taken.' "I see, it's a shame, I think I'll have to search for someone else, thank you anyway guys."

"Wait Quinn I can take you there."

"Who wants to be part of the football team anyway?"

"Less contusions this way."

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

Wednesday afternoon was supposed to be a relaxing affair for Jane and Daria. It was the day they usually met their associate and sometime friend Heather Ingram. Time to both receive their weekly pay and to get the latest news on College Life. However Bennett's little bomb had already soured the day for them.

"Hi there, have you ordered already?" Heather always did her best to propagate the rumor about most undergraduates being starved by the college dinner hall.

"Yep, Meat Eater for Jane and I. You may order whatever you can afford to pay." Today Daria wasn't feeling like sharing, and her sales agent did earn more than enough from their little side business to afford her own food.

"So there is nothing for moi? You know I'm poor and my family is big and still growing." 'For some reason this particular excuse had never worked on those two before…' Heather mentally questioned herself.

"Yeah, so what? I have another four brothers and sisters, all of them artists of one kind or another, all starving." The snarl came with a little more force than intended.

"Oh my, you are testy today, did something happened at school?"

"Just the usual stuff, an incompetent teacher decided to twist my words again and use an example from class to get us into another worthless trip to a Temple of Vanity."

"She means the new Mall of the Millennium." Snarked Jane.

"They are giving you a school trip to the mall? And you're angry about it?" 'I would have cheered all the way.' The undergrad thought.

"Don't take it wrong, I like shopping as much as anyone else…" She received a raised eyebrow from Daria at this point. "…almost everyone else. To go to a store by yourself is tolerable, to go to a store with a friend can be fun in certain circumstances. But to go to the latest, most fashionable shops with the rest of the morons that compose our economics class is well…"

Daria ended the sentence before Jane could. "Torture, pure and simple."

"I see, then take this advice from someone older and wiser than you, or at least older. If life gives you lemons, then for god sake make lemonade, or squirt the juice in the eyes of your enemies or something."

"Thank you for your wisdom oh my wise old woman, we will record this advice and others for future generations."

"Ha, if this is the treatment I get for helping a couple of friends in need, then maybe I shouldn't invite you to our newest party." Her smile betrayed her mock anger.

"Is it going to be a Keg Party like the other one? Because we discovered that for some reason fraternities suck the intellect out of anyone for a five block radius, and I need my smarts to survive in this wretched world."

"No, anything but, our good friend the P.H. broke up once more with her boyfriend so the girls of the dorm are doing a '****, you don't need Him' party, basically a girls night, you know, spin the bottle, truth or dare and similar ****. The only requirement for entry is going to be a party trick of your own."

"Is there going to be makeovers or something?"

"What, do you think we're in elementary? We use that stuff every day, after a while it loses its charm."

"Then I guess it's ok, what about you Daria?"

"Let me check my agenda…" She then got her notebook from her jacket and made a show of opening it. "… Let me see, I think I can fit it between the reception for the Nobel Prize for Literature and my coronation as the Crown Princess of Morovia."

"Then it's a date, and now that you're not as willing to rip my head off, let's talk business."

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

After the pizza, the pair went to their respective homes. Daria went to her notebook to write some ideas she had for stories, but after a while the pain of the cramps resurfaced once more, so she just gave up and lay down on her bed. She didn't even have the necessary energy to try to read a book, so she turned her TV to the latest rerun of Court TV. Later in the evening her mother called her for dinner. When Daria didn't come down, Helen went to her room.

"Daria, dinner's ready." When she didn't get an answer after the third knock, she opened the door and saw her daughter curled in her bed, pain evident on her face.

"Sorry mom, but I think I'm going to pass tonight."

"Are you okay honey?"

"Just peachy, just having some… ugh, forget it I'm too pained to come up with a witty analogy, I got cramps, and the Tylenol is not working."

"Oh dear, let me go for a cup of tea and a hot water bottle, that'll help."

Her mother returned to the room a little later with a red rubber pouch filled with warm water, and a cup of chamomile tea. As far as Daria was concerned, she'd returned with the Holy Grail and Prometheus' fire.

"Thanks Mom; that was just what I needed." After helping her drink her tea Helen sat on her daughter's bed.

"No problem, but I think I should make an appointment with a gynecologist for you."

Daria wasn't expecting that. "Mom, it's really not necessary, the cramps are not that common, just a little stronger than usual." Now Daria was almost frantic, this was an embarrassing enough conversation without bringing professionals into play.

"I know that, but we need to find a new one locally for us three anyway, so this is as good a chance as any."

Daria wanted to argue a little more about the matter, but she was just too tired and sore, so slowly she just felt asleep.

Her mother just sat there for a while and then carefully rose from the bed, turned the TV off and went down for dinner.

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

Daria woke in the morning feeling sore and less than well rested, but at least the pain had subsided enough for her to function once more. During breakfast she stuck to her routine, reading her paper, drinking a tea instead of her usual hot chocolate, and hoping that the last part of yesterday's conversation with her mother was part of a bad dream.

"Good morning Daria, how are you feeling today?"

"I cheated death once more Mom, thanks." And that was all she was going to say about yesterday, it was something she really didn't want to discuss in front of Quinn, or worse, her dad.

She decided to change the topic to something fairly safe and interesting enough to prevent her mother from talking about doctors and cold tables. "By the way, tonight I'm going to the coffeehouse, maybe this time I can stir up a large enough mob to destroy Cashman's."

"Down with the capitalist pigs, give them hell kiddo." Jake was obviously reliving his hippy days, but then thought better of it. "I mean, 'make love, not war'… I mean…" Not much better…

"What your father means is that if you get arrested for starting a mob we aren't paying bail."

"Don't worry mom, they'll never be able to prove anything." For some reason neither parent looked reassured by the answer.

"Daddy, if Daria destroys Cashman's we'll have nowhere to buy clothes, so maybe you should take a few experts from the Fashion Club to the Mall of the Millennium so that we can tell you which shops are better to buy from."

"Hey Princess that's…"

"That's not happening Quinn, stop messing with your father, and stop asking, or maybe you'll find yourself banned from Cashman's too." That particular comment froze the girl's mouth for the rest of the morning.

Usually at this point Daria would have added her pinch of salt and rubbed it into the fresh wound, or even better, she would have bragged a little about going that Friday to a place that Quinn wanted to go and couldn't. However this time she let the chance go by, worrying more about the night at Café Lawndale, her unfinished conclusion to the Melody Powers' story and her still sore abdomen.

"Hey, guess who Morgendorffer Consulting's new golden egg is? No idea? Well it seems that Clucky Farm Products decided to nest in my office yesterday."

"Jake, that's great!"

"Eggscelent."

"Daddy, maybe you should do a research trip to the Mall of the Millennium, I can get you four volunteers to help you."

"Quinn!"

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

The second period for sophomore class was English under O'Neill, and for Daria, who knew the material better than the teacher time passed as slow as a river of molasses. She tag teamed with Jane to drive the teacher into insanity by using the bloodiest and meanest references to illustrate his explanations of Shakespeare. It was easy because the Bard was quite revengeful and bloody minded himself, no matter how much the weak minded professor tried to spin, gloss over and just plain ignore that part of his works. The only thing that did disturb the class was the arrival of Mrs. Bennett with the parental approval forms needed for the trip to the mall. Soon after that the class was over and the students left for lunch.

"Daria, could I talk with you for a minute?" Daria sighed and prepared to speak with the teacher, mostly by getting her pen and the thin stenographer notebook from their place in her jacket. Since her arrival in Lawndale her expenditure on paper had gone through the roof, at this rate she'd have to buy her notebooks in bulk.

"I'll be in the cafeteria choosing the poison of the day, see you later." And with that Jane departed, answering the call of her stomach.

"Well Daria, I wanted to know if I can expect you tonight in Café Lawndale for your performance, and if you wouldn't mind changing it to something less… exciting, like poetry."

"Well, I could try to do a poetical face off with Andrea, I bet I can make one of those touchy feeling Emos start cutting himself with a razor faster than her. In fact I'll go seek her out right now to have it tonight."

"NO… Umm, what I mean is that it wouldn't be fair for your regulars to miss the end of your story, I think that you left them with quite a cliffhanger."

"You're right, the story comes first, I'll wait until it's over before I start pushing people towards the Angst Threshold."

"Good, let me put you in todays agenda. Where is it? Here it is" Daria watched the man get a white organizer decorated with rainbow stickers and motivational slogans everywhere.

If this last moth had showed her something it was that any chat with Timothy O'Neill was a potential train wreck, and those aren't fun when you're inside that particular train. So when he was writing on the schedule she took a peek, and managed to recognize the budget amid a large number of doodles and incoherent notes in the margins. Then she decided to pull the Emergency Stop before the inevitable collision.

"Mr. O'Neill, may I have a look at your notebook?"

"I don't know Daria; it has some private things on it." Daria didn't wait for the professor to keep finding an excuse, and just grabbed it and began flipping the pages searching for something.

"Please tell me you didn't do the accounts for the coffee shop on the same page as you did the schedule of the class."

"Well, you see I didn't want to waste space…"

"And for some reason I doubt that the place earned 350,000 dollars in less than a week."

The teacher took the notebook and tried to read it. "No, I think those are drops of cocoa?"

"Do you have a proper ledger somewhere?"

"I've got some other papers on the coffeehouse."

'I think I'm going to regret this later, but I really don't have a choice, I've already sent my scholarship applications with the name of the place and that I helped with the budget…' Daria's mind was calculating her chances of getting even into Middleton if the café was closed by the IRS.

"Look, I'll pass by later, just have everything ready for me to check, OK."

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

It had been a hard enough first period, she had to hide from Sandi the entire class, making sure to keep at least one person between each other all the time in order to prevent questions about the trip. In the end she was barely saved by the bell, and then forced to hide in the parking lot, hoping that she wouldn't be found by the President of the Fashion Club and subjected to another official enquiry.

Quinn was officially desperate. The weekend was getting closer and there was still no one to take the Fashion Club to the mall. She couldn't ask for any woman to take them, for the Fashion Club to shop with outsiders there were many regulations that specified everything from lower and upper levels of cuteness to credit card limits.

Most of the male members of the junior class at Lawndale didn't have access to vehicles to begin with, and of those remaining many had other plans for Saturday, or were too unpopular for her to even try.

The members of the sophomore class were just as committed to prior obligations, plus most boys in that grade expected a little more physical contact that she was willing to allow for a first date. And if that wasn't enough, she had to avoid at all costs the boys from Daria's class, her sister would need only a sniff of her plans to figure it out.

And no matter how much popularity she had at the moment, a junior like her was beneath the eyes of the Seniors, only the bottom of the social ladder would even acknowledge her, and only the creepiest amongst them would be willing to slave themselves to four gals on a shopping trip.

Talking about creepy guys there was that guy, the one that had asked first for a date then just to hang with her before being spooked by the Three J's. He was walking to one of the cars and getting a few books from the trunk. Seeing that he was about to pass her by, Quinn finally understood the depth of her desperation.

"Hello umm… Guy, how're you doing?" Desperate times called for desperate measures.

'She's talking to me? She is talking to me.' The boy frantically thought. 'Quick, say something, anything.'

"emm… umm… a… Quinn, hello."

Quinn turned on her sultriest voice and dialed it up to eleven; she had only one chance, and there was no way she'd waste it. "I was wondering if you wanted to hang out with a few friends and ME this Saturday, while we go shopping, I would love to take a ride in your car."

"To hang out with you and your friends? Yes, yes!" 'I can believe it, I must be in heaven this can't be real, there's no way that…' "DAMN, I can't I need to help my dad on Saturday and he's not taking no for an answer. Damn, damn, damn…"

Quinn was almost as devastated as the unpopular guy in front of her, she had used her best voice in front of a loser and even then she was unable to get the needed ride.

'Think, think, think…' Said loser was trying not to lose this chance so he made a truly desperate attempt. "Quinn maybe you would like to come with me tomorrow?"

'Tomorrow? that would mean cutting school, but who cares about school anyway, this is far more important, it might work, I just need to sell it to Sandi.' Quinn mentally calculated.

"Ok, this is what we're gonna do, you'll take us to the Mall of the Millennium tomorrow, you will not talk, you will not have any kind of physical contact with any of us. Give me your phone." Once the ride was secure and she had a plan in mind the sultry voice and most of her nice disposition had evaporated.

"What?" He was still reeling from a number of shocks, but to have the most popular sophomore asking for his number was a dream out of heaven.

"I said give me your phone, I need to arrange a few things with the Fashion Club and once I do I'll call you with the instructions. I'll call; you won't say a word about this to anyone. Understood?" The guy was too busy ripping a page from one of his textbooks and writing his name and number on it but he frantically answered anyway. "Yes Quinn, whatever you want."

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

For the second time in a week Quinn used her special privileges to call for an emergency meeting of the Fashion Club, this time in a classroom after the end of the last period.

"Now what Vice-President Quinn?"

"I asked you to come because I have a ride for the Fact Finding trip to the Mall of the Millennium."

"That's great Quinn, I can already see those skorts."

"…Great."

"And that couldn't wait until tomorrow's regular session why?" Sandi was as enthusiastic as the rest of the girls, but she hid it better, at least in front of her rival.

"Well, there is a slight problem; I couldn't secure a ride for Saturday, so the trip will need to be tomorrow."

"Tomorrow? But the mall is too far, if we go after class we aren't going to get there on time for checking everything on our list before they close."

"I know, and that's why we must go there early, so I propose that we skip class in the name of the betterment of the Fashion Club."

Now there was silence, the Fashion Club reeled in shock from the bold proposal of their Vice-President. Knowing that the silence wouldn't last Quinn started giving additional incentives for her plan.

"If we go early on Friday we'll avoid a good number of the weekend buyers, which means that our favorite shops are going to be almost empty and the assistants will have more time to help us, neither will we need to fight against the crowds to go from one place to another."

"No crowds? …Good…"

"And instead of going to school we can have a dietetic breakfast in '100% Slim' and then go straight to the mall."

"Oh, a breakfast meeting, it's like, so chic."

"And do you remember who we have a class with tomorrow? Morris."

"Ugg… Sweating is so not fashionable. I guess you have a point Vice-President, we will do the Fact Finding Mission tomorrow. All in favor?"

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

After classes were over Jane and Daria went straight to the drugstore to get herself all the necessary supplies for her cycle, although the cramps had decreased in intensity they still hurt from time to time, and who knew what other little surprises her screwed up biology would show later?

After doing that, Daria and Jane went to the former's house. They were, for once, free of additional papers to write so they didn't feel the need to hide from the rest of the Morgendorffers and that was far more relaxing than they would have expected.

Daria wanted to finish adapting the Melody Powers' story to be understandable by her audience, so Jane started throwing herself at the padded walls of Daria's comfy cell as a way of making the best use of them, however after a while it lost its value as an entertainment an she started looking through some of her friend's weirder magazines.

"General Buck Conroy, Editor of the Brutal Mercenary Magazine: We're looking for people who like… to kill!" Jane was reading the cover of one such magazine, half amused and half puzzled by the content. "While I did expect to find violent writings in your room Daria, I thought you were less of a machine gun and more an arsenic kind of gal."

"Yeah, I usually prefer my dosage of violence to be more elaborate than a crazy guy shooting at random and blowing up things that usually aren't inflammable to begin with, but that particular number had a more or less accurate article about Colombian Drug Cartels and I want the real Melody Powers to be as well researched as possible. And talking about Melody, here is the conclusion of the Crystal Cove adventure, the morons' edition of course."

Jane took the offered papers, and began to read, it didn't take long; the story was as short and straightforward as possible. "Well, there are lots of shots, lots of fire and an anatomically impossible escape, all in all a story that a seven year old would not have trouble following."

"In other words, perfect for the target audience of jocks and slackers with too much free time." Satisfied with the end result Daria started gathering her stuff for the Night's Show.

"Hey Daria isn't it a little early for you to get your stuff?"

"Yeah, but O'Neill is messing with the accounting of the coffeehouse again and since I don't want to lose the easiest extracurricular activity of the year I need to prevent him from exchanging the place for magic beans."

Jane was skeptical about Daria's motivations "Isn't that a bit too much work for an easy credit?"

"It is if only for the credit as an extracurricular activity, but it's got another advantage…" At this point Daria got a folder from her desk and showed it to her best friend.

"… O'Neill is willing to sign letters of recommendation for any class, including some for you." Jane then examined the papers more carefully, noticing that some of them were the poster she designed for Café Lawndale, and some were photos of the place, all of them signed by O'Neill in the back.

"Daria, what is this?" Jane's voice was incredulous and a little irritated.

"Well, all the work you did with me last week is worth more than just a piece of paper that will never leave the school records, so when I did my own letter I decided to ask him for a similar one detailing your first commissioned work, so that in the future when you elaborate a portfolio you can add the appropriate references."

"That is surprisingly thoughtful, God knows that I was more than satisfied with all the extra supplies I swindled from Mr. Crybaby. Just one thing, do not do this behind my back again, understood?"

"Loud and clear."

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

When Daria arrived at Café Lawndale, it was almost empty, just the barista and a couple of students drinking some of the more exotic brews from the fancy Espresso Machine. Since Professor O'Neill wasn't among the patrons Daria decided to write some ideas she'd had in her notebook, a full sized one instead of her habitual stenographer one. She drank a cup of tea while awaiting the teacher and the promised information.

Almost twenty minutes later said teacher arrived, embarrassed and with a folder overflowing with scraps of paper. At the sight of the mess Daria was barely able to hold in a curse.

"Is this all?" Daria sounded a little exasperated, which considering the circumstances and the uncertainty of the response she was given was more than natural. "Yes, I think so."

"Ok professor, you've got three options; the first one is to ask for help from another member of the school staff, someone who knows about numbers, maybe a math or economics teacher."

"Mrs. Bennett was supposed to assist me with the budget, but Angela…" At the curious expression of his student he amended. "Principal Li told me that right now she is too busy to help me with it."

'Yes, she's too busy preparing shopping trips on school bucks to worry about other concerns.' Daria thought before continuing to list options. "Second option; you get either a full time administrator or a half time accountant, for the former a college undergraduate would be enough, and for the latter there are many recent graduates who would work for peanuts and coffee."

"I wish to do that, but well, the PTA has a ban on me hiring anyone other than students, if I need to get an accountant I must pass the petition through them." He did look a little scared of the prospect of facing the PTA.

"I get it, the PTA would love to put one of their members as the accountant and authorize him some outrageous amount of money despite the hypocrisy of getting control of this project to prevent misuse of funds in the first place. Well, then there is the third option: Me."

"You?"

'Just how often does O'Neill have that face of confusion when talking to me?' Daria was enjoying the surprise she'd sprung on the teacher. "Yes, me. I will come here once a week to put order to these papers." She was derisively pointing at the mess on O'Neill's hands. "For my services I will get the same weekly salary as the barista there plus a monthly bonus."

"Isn't that a little too much? You're doing just a day for every six of his, and I don't know about the bonus thing." Daria's smirk then almost forced him to find a new set of pants.

"More like an hour or two, but that's not the point. The point is that the extra money will allow me to pay for an accountant under the table." As her teacher's face lit in understanding, the student rejoiced for different reasons. 'Or I could ask Heather to get me a decent accounting undergraduate to do this in exchange for a paper. Or even better ask for tips from Dad, he does his own accounting, doesn't he?'

"Oh, also I need something for my curriculum, maybe another letter of recommendation?"

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

"…_cops and paramedics were doing their jobs in the light of the burning mall, getting the former slaves to ambulances and the slavers into patrol cars, to book them and hopefully lock them in a tiny cell for the rest of their pathetic lives, Melody however was not worried about that, for her job wasn't to punish the guilty, no, her job was to fight for the innocents, and while her actions here were more than worth the bruises, she still had to free a client from his unfair detention, and that was a battle she would have to fight in the courts, not in the streets."_

"This concludes 'Melody Powers and the Crystal Boutique', thank you for the attention, now you can go back to coffee and depressing music."

The audience for the latest installment of her Melody Powers story was just a fraction of the one from the past Saturday, which was part of the reason of reading it on Thursday, less people, less chaos and less tension for her. Of the attendants Daria could only recognize three persons amongst the crowd; in the first place there was Jane who just as promised had come to listen to her performance after spending a few hours painting, sketching and just plain doing artistic stuff in order to keep her creativity in at its peak. The other two were surprisingly enough Kevin and Brittany who'd come for the only reason of hearing the end of the story, and while they weren't exactly the literary critics of the New York Times, she appreciated the honest gesture… even with the kisses, cries, fights and other childish behaviors they demonstrated.

Once off the stage Daria went to her friend's table, where the black haired teen was eating a half a baguette, while the other half has waiting for her. Pizza would have been better for both but while the kitchen was well provided, it lacked the same kind of oven that Pizza King had so the only pizza available was microwavable which tasted to Daria just like frozen lasagna, or as sawdust to the rest of the people. Having spent the previous part of the evening separating the coffee receipts and notes and trying to make sense of the teacher's sloppy bookkeeping she had forgone eating until now, so her half did taste far better than expected.

Lacking anymore acts, they put the radio on the sound system, and since Z93 wasn't a station for quiet music, talk was all but impossible so Daria paid the bill and then the girls walked home together, using the time to talk about the day events.

The night had already cooled a bit so Jane had her red jacket tightly closed. Daria, who until recently had lived in Texas and went everywhere with a jacket to begin with was feeling the cold in her tiny body even more, and therefore walked at a fast clip to keep herself warm.

"Well how did the meeting go, blood, gore or at least a few tears?"

"Plenty of tears, even if I did limit myself to only psychological and financial abuse."

"Financial abuse eh, then he did rope you into something." Jane's voice was dripping with inquisitiveness, and a little bit of suspicion.

"I roped myself into something this time, but at least I'm getting paid a half time job rate for two hours work." Daria's voice sounded resigned, at least as much as her monotone could do so.

"And how did you get such a sweet deal?"

"Easy, I offered to take care of the coffeehouse books, and to use part of my salary to get someone who knows what he's doing and isn't in the PTA's pocket… like for example my father who can help me for free."

"I still find it a little suspicious that you're going to so much trouble for O'Neill's little pipe dream."

"Well, morons like him are a rare commodity, and those must be preserved."

"Are you kidding? Last week you told me that morons are dime a dozen."

"Yes, but how many morons you know are willing to sign almost anything a student gives them without checking it first?"

"Point, plus extra bucks are always well received."

"Well, there's your house, I'll see you tomorrow for our outing to that place of horror and frivolity."

"I'll bring my camera, who knows? Maybe Heather is right and we'll be able to make something out of it." Jane wasn't sounding too confident about the last part.

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

When Daria arrived at home, the whole family was still seated on the table, just about done with the dinner with Helen washing the dishes and Jake chatting with an uninterested Quinn about poultry, even then he was the first to notice her arrival.

"Hey kiddo, how did the night go, did you break a leg?"

"Dad, to break a leg is good luck only to thespians, but I did manage to avoid getting hit by the rotten greens."

"Very nice Daria, I'm glad that you did, tomato stains are so hard to get out from clothes." The humor in Helen's voice was very clear, almost as clear as the seriousness in her next words. "Jake, the girls and I are going to have a chat. Maybe you should read your paper on the couch."

"Nah, I'm all right here."

"Jake, that wasn't a suggestion, out of the kitchen now!" Finally sensing the upcoming storm for what it was he retreated to the safely of the living room.

Once there were only women in the kitchen the eldest of them made her announcement. "Girls, since I was overdue for a check up for a while now I've scheduled an appointment with a gynecologist for this Saturday and took the liberty of making one for both of you."

Daria was speechless, last night's conversation hadn't been a dream, this night however was slowly turning itself into a full on nightmare.

Quinn was far more vocal in her protest. "But mom, I've got things to do on Saturday, better things than to be… Could I take a rain check on this one please?" The last part was more of a plea than a question.

Daria couldn't blame Quinn for her nerves, Dr. Wheeler, her mother's obstetrician had been the one to do all of their examinations in Highland, and while he was a kind man he couldn't help but brag to the girls about helping with both their births and their respective sisters during the most embarrassing parts of the examination was creepy to say the least. The fact that his answer to her many menstruation problems had been little more than a couple of aspirins and two years of 'It will level out soon, better let it be' hadn't left her with a lot of affection for him.

"Quinn, it's better if we get to know Dr. Northman now that all we have to worry about is a routine check up than later if we need to see her. Plus she is recommended by Marianne, so she cannot be that bad."

"Better not start talking about pregnancies and how I didn't want to get out…" Quinn left the room muttering half angry and half concerned.

Once her sister had reached the stairs Daria dared to talk. "Mom, thank you for not telling Quinn why we're going to the doctor."

"Dear, I have an older and a younger sister, and Granma Barksdale wasn't what we could call diplomatic. Believe me I have been in similar situations before, and I know what it's like."

"Goodnight Mom."

"Goodnight Daria."

** I ** II ** III ** IV **

The next part is already on progress.

As always opinions, comments and criticisms are extremely appreciated.

** I ** II ** III ** IV **


	6. Chapter 05b:A week in the Life

Chapter 05: A week in the life…

Part 2: Reactions

Disclaimer: Daria and associated characters are owned by MTV and Viacom. This is fan fiction written for entertainment only. No money or other negotiable currency or goods have been exchanged. Special thanks to the Outpost Daria for the Transcripts available there, they were invaluable tools for the development of this chapter, and in the future I hope I can be less reliant on them.

This is the second half of 'chapter 05: A week in the life…' and if the other part was big, then this is a monster. I hope you like it.

This chapter is dedicated to peetz5050 for his invaluable efforts proof reading, making it legible.

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Jane awoke early in the morning, in fact when reading her clock she realized she had woken too early to go to school, and she knew damn well the reason why. Since getting asleep would be quite pointless she decided to get her pants and running shoes on and do a couple of laps around the neighborhood.

Passing by her brother's room without caring about the noise she was making, since her brother wouldn't wake up inside a helicopter, she went outside and started running at a sharp pace to bleed out her remaining discomfort at being forced to go to the mall.

She had always done her shopping on Dega Street. It had been so since the time her mother had taken her there to find clothes with 'spirit'. In later years when the family had finally fragmented she had found things matching her style at affordable prices, something very important considering just how much she spent on art supplies per month and the lack of stable income until recently.

But when she entered her junior year she had decided to maybe change her image a little, she saved her money for a couple of new outfits at Cashman's, but the trip went south fast enough. When she arrived at the store one of the saleswomen had followed her all the time, at the beginning she thought it was to assist her with her shopping and maybe earn a commission, but soon every time she picked an outfit said woman would pay a compliment that was really a veiled insult. She had ignored that, but then when she had finally chosen something and decided to see if it fitted her she was redirected from the normal dressing rooms and sent to 'Fitting Room 8' a converted broom closet at the other side of the store. She didn't truly understand the magnitude of the insult until hearing the mocking voices of other clients about being exiled to the Loser's Corner. It was no surprise that she lost her temper and yelled back at both the mocking clients and the rude staff, but the same staff that had ridden her to the edge had called mall security as soon as she entered the place, just to keep an eye on the poor girl, and escorted her out of the mall.

The shock and anger over the insult had been enough to do some serious harm to her self-image, she had bought her now beloved red jacket and became far more judgmental of the rest of the girls in her classroom, that alongside an honest chat with Miss Manson had been the reasons she had been thrown into the Self Esteem workshop. The only useful thing she learned there was to ignore and mock the horde of popular obsessed jerks instead of telling them the truth to their face.

After a while all her thoughts fled her mind as she lost herself in the rhythm of her run, reaching better speeds than she would ever do intentionally in class. Once she did her entire route and returned home, she took a long cleansing shower, dressed in her usual attire and then decided to take her old camera instead of the newer Polaroid in order to use up her remaining film, she also took what she believed to be a sizeable amount of money from her stash hidden in an old hollowed out math book, a place that no member of her family would ever open even by accident. Once she ate a breakfast composed of cold milk and one colorful brand of cereal she checked her brother, who was still asleep, and went directly to the school.

I II III IV*

The Morgendorffer home was host to a more chaotic affair, this day both of the parents were busy with work, and unknown to the rest of the family both siblings were just as busy with their own field trips.

"Helen, have you seen my tie, the one with the yellow chickens?"

"No I haven't and you should not wear that to a business meeting anyway, it was a gag gift."

"But it is for Clucky Farm Products, I think they'll appreciate the joke."

Daria was slowly eating a piece of toast, the last few days full of medicine and abdominal pain had left her with a badly abused stomach that decided to loudly complain about it. The irony of having nausea, a symptom commonly connected with the absence of the menstrual cycle, was neither lost nor appreciated.

Then Quinn descended the stairs, already bathed and fully dressed, a rarity by itself. "Need to leave, early meeting with the Fashion Club."

"Wait, since when does the Fashion Club do early meetings?" Daria usually didn't care about her sister's little Fashion Fascists but this was seriously weird.

"And what would you now about fashion? Mom, Daddy, I'll also have a working meal with them today, so see you at dinner." She was about to leave when her father had one last question.

"Wait, you haven't eaten anything for breakfast yet, and it's the most important meal of the day."

"Umm… sure daddy." Quinn then proceeded to steal a couple of slices of toast from Daria's plate and run towards the door.

I II III IV*

'Uff… it was close.' Quinn thought while crossing the door. While she wasn't about to meet the rest of the Fashion Club at the 100% Slim for at least one more hour, she couldn't afford for her sister to walk in the same general direction as herself and then ask why she was taking a detour. Once she was out of sight from her house she threw the pieces of toast into a garbage can and proceeded to the restaurant. 'Maybe I should have a Chai Tea while waiting?'

I II III IV*

Daria went to the toaster to replace the stolen bread, grumbling all the way about thieves and hangmen.

"Hey kiddo, what are you going to do with yourself the rest of the day?"

"Well dad I need to go to the excursion that Mrs. Bennett…" She didn't even finish her sentence, before her eyes grew as big as plates and she all but ran to her room. She returned to the table less than two minutes later with a paper and a pen.

"Mom, dad, I kind of forgot to mention it, but my economics class got a ridiculous excursion to the Mall of the Millennium today, I need to have this permission signed and I didn't even remember to give it to you until now." Daria was sincerely embarrassed with herself, not about springing this to her parents at the last minute, which she did frequently, but to forget the act itself wasn't her natural behavior. This week was harder on her than she'd thought.

"Let me see that Daria." Her mom then took custody of the forms and did a quick read over. "Well everything seems to be in order. While I would appreciate a little more time for me to sign this stuff, I don't see a problem." Without further preamble she took the pen and signed the single sheet.

"The Mall of the Millennium, isn't that the place that Quinn wanted to go all week?"

At Jake's words, his wife realized just how big of a bullet they had narrowly avoided. "Daria, I know it might be hard, but could you not brag about going to the Mall of the Millennium to Quinn? She finally stopped whining yesterday about wanting to go there."

Even if Daria wasn't at her best yet, this was way too easy anyway. "Dunno about that Mom, it would be remiss of a good older sister to torture the younger one, I wouldn't even need to remind her frequently, just a single comment, or even a strategically placed bag in my room when the door is open and voila…"

"Ok, we'll sponsor your shopping trip to the mall; you can take my credit card but if you exceed 150 dollars, then you'll have to pay the difference. And if you betray my trust then there will be consequences."

"Fair enough. I was also wondering if I can spend Saturday night in Jane's?"

"And what are you going to do on a Saturday night with Jane?"

"We were planning on going into a college party, maybe a wild one, but if you want we could change it into a marathon of Sick, Sad, World and Bad movies with a capital B."

"I'm fine with a girl's night in Daria, you can go."

I II III IV*

The rest of the members of the Fashion Club gathered in 100% Slim and had a breakfast composed of weird green beverages, omelets without yolk, and brown bread. After doing a fast critique of their current attire they discussed in depth their plan of action and the number of shops they were about to visit.

Their ride arrived just in time to pay the bill, and as a reward he was given the right to hang with the girls, at a prudent distance of course. He was so happy about it that he ignored once more the fact that Quinn had yet to learn his name, or that Tiffany was the one chosen to sit in the front seat with him, at least until the conversation with her became unbearable after twenty minutes.

I II III IV*

Daria and Jane were sitting in the middle of the bus talking with each other just like many of the other passengers, tuning out Bennett's speech about the virtues of malls as economic establishments with their more or less mindless chat, steering away from subjects like the coffeehouse, or their side business as ghostwriters that could lead to problems later. Luckily the toast that Daria ate that morning had helped to settle her stomach a little, and sniping at some of the habits of the rest of their fellow students was able to take her mind away from the lingering symptoms.

One comment from Jodie caught Daria's interest. "Do you think it would dishonor Dr. King's memory if I went to sit in the back of the bus?" It was weird coming from the overachieving student since she didn't usually devolve into civil rights movement idioms, no matter the color of her skin.

"At least he's not singing." Mack's response to that didn't make any sense. 'What does singing have to do with Mather Luther King? And what the hell is that smell' Daria wondered, just as she started getting a wild burst of nausea.

Jane meanwhile was distracted from her friend's predicament first by the hormonal show of Brittany and Kevin loudly making out, and later by the hunting attempts of Upchuck.

"Hey, sweet baby, how'd you like to spend some do-re-me, huh? I need some models for this... um..." By that point the girls he was trying to entice were giving him the cold shoulder.

"Sorry."

'He's like a puppy chasing a car, he is not going to get anywhere near it, if he gets too close he will be run over, and if he catches it he is not going to know what to do with it.' Jane thought with mirth. Then said puppy approached their seat.

"Ladies! Are you aware of the advantages of a gold card?" He was treating his credit card as if was a bone and the girls were a pair of dogs. "Very advantageous when it belongs to your father. Dad wants me to pick up some bikinis for his secretary. But I need a couple of models. The two of you are about her size. What do you say, gals?"

It was fun until it happened to you. "Upchuck. Are you aware that many therapists now accept credit cards?" Then she finally noticed the lack of snarky comments in the air. "Daria?"

"I feel sick. Can someone open a window?"

Jane did try to open one of the windows, but it was stuck.

"Allow me, fair maiden." For all his hormonal driven idiotic behavior Upchuck did try from time to time to be a gentleman, even if most of the time he failed in a miserable way. It was a shame that all of his hormones had gone straight to his head, instead of other places, like his muscles. He was far weaker than Jane to begin with as his struggles with the window demonstrated then and there; in fact he was so weak that arm wresting Daria would be an even bet at best.

"I didn't know you got car sick. Or it is your monthly friend again?" Jane questioned her friend, they had gone to the UFO Convention in a bus and Daria seemed unaffected on that occasion.

"I don't, usually, not even on this particular date. It's the fumes. It smells like... it smells like..."

"Teen spirit?"

"Cheap perfume."

"Brittany must be working up a sweat."

At this point after being utterly defeated by the window Upchuck muttered an apology and retreated to an empty seat, while Bennett stopped her pseudo-explanation of a mall to allow Brittany to further demonstrate her lack mental maturity with an awful cheer to the mall, however she did get points for trying a split in a moving vehicle and not breaking anything.

I II III IV*

Soon after this they arrived at the Mall of the Millennium, which according to their own badly researched publicity was the second or third largest mall in the world. Soon the students were taken from the bus by a tram that ran its route every ten minutes to shuttle people to and from the parking lot.

"I think I'm going to be sick." The irregular movement of the tram coupled with physical contact with so many strangers ended the bespectacled girl's remaining fortitude.

"Um, could it possibly wait?" They were almost in the mall where they would be able to find a bathroom, or at least the showcase of a clothing store.

Then the tram finally stopped at front of Mall, accompanied by the voices of shock and awe of the passengers as they disembarked. Jane and Daria however remained inside a moment too long.

"I know I'm going to be sick." Those words were followed by her heaves of vomit, mostly juice and the morning's bread, while Jane, unable to do anything to help her friend anyway decided to at least add her own grain of salt to the moment.

"Bienvenidos a la Mall of the Millennium."

I II III IV*

Professor Diane Bennett was inside the mall, trying to gather her class, who after a long trip in the bus alongside some of the weirdest students of Lawndale High were busting with pen up energy and almost beyond control, while reading the map they had given each student at the information desk in the entrance. Jane took a moment to take a photograph of the indoor Roller Coaster, it was amazing, even if it was inside a mall.

"Everyone, we'll walk down R Moss, and turn right at Q Canary. Please keep the flow, people, please keep the flow."

"Who would ever guess there'd be so many colors? The person who thought them all up must be a genius."

Jane, who in her humble opinion did have a great knowledge and appreciation of color wasn't as impressed as Brittany. "Yeah, and we haven't even gotten to puke green yet." Then she remembered her friend who was still too worn out by her re-acquaintance with breakfast to do more than launch a searing glare. "Oh, yeah."

"Left at N Cranberry. Wait, is that cranberry or magenta? Jane, you're an artist.'At least people at school recognized my talent, the wrong people but something is something' Jane thought as she examined the elusive color.

"It's cranapple."

"Mrs. B? Can we please stop for a minute at Bikini Island? I'd like to buy a few trifles for the ladies, and perhaps you'd care to pick out something for yourself?" Upchuck might not be able to attract a girl, no matter what, but he did get points for hitting on anyone and everyone. Negative points.

"Not now, Charles. We'll be late for our meeting with the mall executives. I had to work very hard to arrange this. These are very important, very busy... oh, oh, oooooh!"

"What is it, Mrs. B?" The teacher was hypnotized by some ridiculous toys in one of the storefronts.

"The Fuzzy Wuzzy Wee-Bit Shop! Herbert and I collect Fuzzy Wuzzy Wee Bits! Aren't they adorable? Look, a Fuzzy Wuzzy Wee Bits cactus! And look at that little bunny rabbit with its own Fuzzy Wuzzy carrot!"

I II III IV*

For all her failings as a teacher, Mrs. Bennett had been able to organize the trip in a little less than two days, including the tour of the installations and a talk with the executives of the mall. Their PR department had been surprised when they received the call from Lawndale High School; they usually catered only to groups of shoppers wanting a discount at their niche shops, or from time to time Third Word tourists who wanted to have a really big shopping spree. Once they knew that they would be serving an unusual yet quite significant demographic, they'd had one of the executives prepare a conference room for the sophomores, one with a mirror wall.

Instead of doing a proper introduction and propaganda drive about the qualities of the Mall of the Millennium the executive in the conference room started asking some pointed questions about their preferences. Since no one older than 25 is ever going to prefer hearing about what someone from high school really wants, it put a few students on alert.

Jodie was the first one to really question the motivation of the executive in charge. "I have a question. Do you think our demographic can really be addressed by middle-aged middle managers telling us what's fun to buy?" They pointedly ignored her and redirected their attention toward Daria.

"How about you? How many times a year do you go to the mall?" That was a big mistake; they were hoping to redirect the attention from a smart student by asking a girl who had once interrogated the President of the United States harder than most reporters would have dared.

"Don't people usually get paid for participating in market research?" Feeling a bit like Henry Fonda talking to the rest of the jurists in 'Twelve Angry Men' she stood up and started around the table toward the executive, opening her notebook in a fluid movement.

"Research?"

"Now, Daria, these busy executives have been nice enough to give their time to help educate us on mall economics. Tell us about flow, would you?"

"Okay." Relieved for the out the teacher gave him he was about to scrap the survey and start with the usual spiel, momentarily unaware that he was still being pursued.

"I bet that's a two-way mirror." She had circled the entire table and now she was ready for the grand finale.

"You mean, if you turn out the lights you can see through it?" Her friend's words were enough warning for her to prepare the camera.

"I certainly hope so." Daria reached for the switch in the wall and with a slight flourish turned the lights off, revealing three observers through the two-way mirrored wall, while their executive tried to give a warning a second too late. "Oh, you don't want to do that.

Jane already forewarned started doing snapshots with both the flash on and off, the best to illustrate the effect of the mirror in the room. Daria was satisfied enough now her nausea had all but disappeared. 'It's not a knife embedding itself in the table, but this will do.'

While Brittany, who had been in front of the mirror adjusting her bra and checking that her clothes were in order after her games with Kevin on the bus jumped in fear of the men on the other room, there was a last attempt at damage control. "The focus group is, um, a very important tool in mall management. We thought that with this live demonstration..." He ended the remark with a nervous laugh.

"I feel used. I feel abused. I feel that this is not a fun mall after all and the media should be made aware of it.

"All right, little lady." The man in the blue suit reached into his vest pocket for some paper slips. "Here's a coupon for a free frozen yogurt."

"Don't insult me."

"Make it a ten dollar merchandise coupon?"

"You're still insulting her." Jane decided to help.

"Okay, a twenty dollar merchandise coupon for everyone in the class." This was enough money for the students who cheered as they went for their part.

"You don't get it. There's a principle involved." Daria was offended not only by the indignity of some jerks at the mall trying to use her without her approval, but by them suggesting she would sell herself for coupons.

"No, there isn't." Jodie's feelings of abuse ended as soon as they reached her price, then she joined the rest of the class for her coupons.

"So much for idealistic youth." Jane resigned herself to surrendering to the All Powerful Mall; at least she was saving 20 dollars in merchandise for later. But when she went to receive her share Daria's hand stopped her.

"It's not worth it Jane, later we can use your photos to file a formal complaint to the county's board of trade, and it will hold more weight if we do not accept bribes." Daria voice was just strong enough to be heard by the mall's executive.

"Just a minute young lady, what do you mean with the county's board of trade?" most of the teens had already left the room and both social pariahs were about to do the same when the question came.

"Look, you tried to make use of us as a way of saving money, you must think that it is a shame that the guinea pigs realized the purpose of the maze, but I don't doubt for even a second that once a new group comes this way you are going to try the same trick once more. So the only thing we can do is to file a complaint with the local Chamber of Commerce so that your mall is put for under the radar for at least a few days. Maybe then the related problems will make it unpalatable to try again."

"Girls, why don't we discuss this like adults?" The executive was joined by the three men from the other room, it seemed that the intercom was still on and they heard the problem. "I think I speak for my colleagues concerning how sorry we are about the events of today and I would like to know what we can do to compensate for your discomfort."

'At least they aren't trying to patronize us again.' Jane was feeling better, she hadn't even thought that Daria would say and do something like this, she usually was a little more passive, even when taking revenge.

"Well, you tell me what you can do to make me think that you won't go back on your word once we leave the room?" Jane was once more getting into synch with her friend, adopting her serious monotone to increase the effect of their words.

The executives were left speechless, there were few things they could do about it without calling their lawyer, and that would have left them drowning in hot water. Sensing their distress Daria added. "Hurry up, we have to get back to our group, and I can tell you that while they're not going to miss us, they will annoy us, and then we'll take it out on the mall."

By this point additional executives had joined the negotiations, all as pale as the original one as they digested the implications. "Okay, I've got 50 bucks here, how much have you got Jack?" just like that the rest of the men were emptying their pockets and a small mound of tens and fifties gathered on the table.

"235 dollars, coupons for another hundred and sixty, and thirty frozen yogurts, it's all we can get before asking my boss for a loan and since by that point I'll be in deep shit anyway so I won't care about your little scam anymore."

Jane was ready to argue a little more, lately she wasn't hurting for money and the sight of grown up men in fancy suits cowering from her was quite pleasant, however a squeeze in the leg told her to stay quiet. With a reluctant nod Daria accepted the offer, and Jane had to bite her tongue to stop her protests. After getting their booty inside the pockets of their respective jackets they left the room in silence. She could even hear the last of the conversation between the executives.

"God, what a disaster, and now I'll have to fill god knows how many forms to get more coupons, and that's not counting the fact that I'm fifty short."

"They said it, once they took the bribe they lost whatever moral high ground they had. We dodged this bullet…"

Both girls hurried up to join with the rest of the class, who hadn't noticed their absence, just as predicted. Before Jane could ask why Daria had folded so fast, she answered. "They were panicking, if they had stopped to think for at least a moment they would have realized that without the support of the teacher and the rest of the students we had no chance of getting a formal investigation, not even my mother would be able to go with a lawsuit against a semi-competent lawyer in these circumstances."

"So you decided to at least get a little extra for us? Well, we got extra money to spend and we soured the day of some corporative drones so it wasn't a total loss." Jane decided to consider it a minor victory.

"There is also the fact that we still have your photos, and we can write to the 'Consumer Reports' magazine to alert them about this new form of corporative abuse, while I don't expect a full feature, I bet that's going to be original enough to warrant at least a mention in their complaints column.

I II III IV*

At the same time that the mall executives were cursing the girls, a car arrived with four new buyers and a pack mule. They were already behind in their schedule, being almost an hour later than the school bus despite the fact that they left half an hour before in a faster car, however Quinn hadn't counted on the fact that the slowpoke that she had acquired for transport drove worse than a granny.

Even worse, they couldn't let him wait inside the car, not because of the fact that he was a human being, not even for Quinn's promise to let him hang out with them, but because Quinn didn't know him well enough to be sure that he wouldn't succumb to boredom and decide to leave them stranded without a way back. So she had to compromise and let him walk at least 10 feet behind the group while carrying all of their stuff.

I II III IV*

After being chastised by Mrs. Bennett for being a little late, they rejoined the rest of the students who were by now comparing their different coupons, trying to see who received what and if someone had a particular store.

"Books by the Ton, the country's biggest bookstore? Aw, man!"

'Pearls to swine.' Daria thought before approaching Kevin. "Kevin I just heard of your problem, do you want to exchange those boring books for something more fulfilling?

"Which books? I only have a coupon for a bookstore. Fulfilling?"

"What I mean is that I can give you a coupon to the…" stopping for a second she browsed the bunch of coupons she had received and took the first one that wasn't part of a clothing store.'The Doo Dad Shop' in exchange for your coupon for the bookstore."

"I don't know, what is a Duu Dall?"

"Kevin, you're killing me, I'll throw five coupons for frozen yogurt in addition to the one from the Doo Dad Shop."

"Oh man, five more? Deal."

"You actually ended up losing money in a transaction with Kevin, is something wrong with you? You could have done it for the five yogurts if you put your mind to it." Jane commented.

"I know, but I have ten more yogurts, and you got another fifteen, it's going to be hard enough getting rid of all this toy money before we have to leave, so I decided to save myself time and neurons."

Jane then started browsing through her bunch of coupons. "Good point, I mean here's one for a toy store, four more for shops I got no Idea what they sell and this one, umm, this one's got potential. Scissor Wizard. I can actually use a new pair of scissors."

At this point they were joined by Upchuck who noticed the many coupons in their hands as well as the fact that Kevin had gotten from somewhere even more coupons.

"Hello once more ladies, I see that our esteemed quarterback got far more coupons than he started with, and to my surprise it seems that such fortune came from your beautiful hands."

"Upchuck there is a fountain there, why don't you take a dip in the cold water." Jane said as she hastily covered her coupons with one hand while the other pointed to a nearby fountain.

"I could help with concrete boots, or maybe a concrete muzzle?" Daria remarked; she was feeling sick again, and this time there wasn't any perfume in the air.

"I would be pleased to do so if you join me there, to see you in wet t-shirts would be just excellent. Oh, but if we did so I wouldn't be able to tell the rest of our peers about your sudden windfall, it would be a shame not to see their reactions towards such a situation."

"Well Upchuck, you don't scare us, what's the worst thing that could happen?" Jane said with bravado, false bravado.

"Jane, can you picture a school of piranhas on a feeding frenzy? Because that is how our fellow students will react once they know we got a bigger part of the cake that they did, no matter the reasons for it."

Further conversation was interrupted by Mrs. Bennett's assignment for the field trip. "Daria and Jane, you'll observe traffic patterns at the food concessions, and Kevin and Brittany, you will study and report back on shrinkage."

"What's shrinkage?"

"Shrinkage is the retailing term for shoplifting. I'd like you to analyze its economic impact. Does everyone else understand their assignments?"

"Miss Bennett I would like to volunteer to assist those wild roses Jane and Daria with their assignment, the food pavilion is big and has many entrances, and I know that they will appreciate my assistance. Or am I wrong?"

Daria knew that his question was also the price for his silence, and therefore with no better choices she accepted. "What the hell, at least this way we can keep him from humping random shoppers."

"Grrr… Feisty"

The guy who was paired with him added his two cents too. "For me there's no problem, I can go to the games' shop, I mean to the information booth by myself."

With a sigh Mrs. Bennett acquiesced. "Okay Charles, you can go with Jane and Daria. Now, we'll meet back here at a quarter to four."

Then the teacher established a point of reunion while doing damage control on Kevin's attempts at creating a mnemonic device, which considering that he didn't even know the meaning of the word, was a latent hazard of confusion for whoever was stupid enough to listen to him, starting with his girlfriend.

"While once more the three most unpopular members of the sophomore class of Lawndale High School prepared to pass some time together since one particular party a month ago, Daria reflected to Jane on their current situation.

"No good deed goes unpunished."

"Amen sister, amen."

I II III IV*

The girls were inside Newport News, a shop specializing in sportswear; currently they were analyzing their Fall Season's clothes while their pack mule was waiting outside on a bench. While Sandy was testing blouses on in the fitting room with Stacy waiting outside with the discarded clothes in her hands and Tiffany was checking the different accessories that the shop offered Quinn was planning her next move to consolidate her position in the club once and for all.

Even starting as they were with the wrong foot that was their driver the trip until now was a resounding success, and all of the members of the club were in an extremely good mood, including Sandi who had already bought some really cute outfits and had been checked out by some even cuter guys, Quinn had gone against all her instincts and decided for once to hide rather than gathering the attention to herself ensuring that today of all days Sandi would be in too high enough spirits to not bitch about anything.

Now it was the time to introduce some of her more progressive ideas, to make sure that the members of the Fashion Club would remember this day for many, many sessions to come. The only thing she needed was a viable target to start the proposal. 'There, that girl over there will be perfect.'

She kept an eye on the victim, a demure girl, who maybe with the correct amount of make up might be considered cute, and was wearing jeans and a horrible sweater that didn't match at all, waiting for her turn to pay for some loafers. Once Sandy left the fitting room she launched the first volley.

"Look at her, what is she wearing?" Quinn whispered to Tiffany, the use of whispers was calculated to keep the volume at a minimum and therefore to avoid alerting the girl in question.

"…It's a sweater…it makes her look… fat."

It was sweet Stacy who made the next comment. "But she's not fat, look at her face, she probably is quite slender. But why is she wearing such an unappealing green sweater, it makes no sense."

"Take note of this poor girl, what you see there is one of the dangers of ignorance of fashion. We are lucky to have the Fashion Club to avoid such pitfalls." Sandi's haughty voice had a tone of pity combined with something akin to the tone that the storytellers used to caution listeners during an Aesop fable narration.

Quinn waited until the girl had paid for her loafers and passed through the automatic door of the shop to make her proposal. "Maybe we, the fortunate ones should, do something for poor souls like that one, something like a charity."

"You're right Vice-President Quinn; the Fashion Club should do more for the fashion challenged of the community, something to make the world cuter for all."

They started discussing methods of doing so while walking towards their next stop. Quinn was satisfied with the execution of her plan, it went perfectly.

I II III IV*

The first stop of the trio was at one of the frozen yogurt stands that littered the entire mall, Daria needed to settle her stomach and the yogurt did a good enough job out of it, Jane also used two of her coupons, one for her and one for Upchuck, with the hope that maybe putting something else in his mouth for a while would be enough to shut him up.

The first shop they entered, at Daria's insistence, was Hi-Fi Hi-Fi Hi-Fi, an electronics, computer and videogames store with a wider selection than most of the little business of Lawndale. Once there Daria, with Jane on her six, went straight to the printers and scanners noticing with some relief that Upchuck decided to browse the the digital video section. Once there she began questioning one of the employees on the characteristics of a small multifunctional printer with a scanner and photocopier, Jane just stood there hearing her friend's questions until she realized something.

"Daria, why are you giving him the stats of my computer instead of yours?"

"Your old dot matrix printer is already on its lasts legs, and all the extra work I've forced on it does not help at all, so I thought about getting you a new one to replace it." Almost at once Daria became aware of her mistake.

Jane's face was showing her anger for everyone to see and her words held some real venom in them. "Look I don't need your god damn charity, just leave that thing there and leave me alone while you're at it. Okay?

Jane then turned to leave, but was stopped by her friend's hand. When she turned once more to tell her a few additional truths she saw Daria's expression of pain and shame, showing far more emotion that she thought possible for her.

"Jane, I…" She hesitated for a second and then continued. "Jane I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that, it's just that this last month I have been abusing your hospitality so much, using your home to hide stuff from my Mom, hogging the computer, and dragging you into my problems with alarming frequency, and even that self esteem fiasco. I wanted to do something to compensate for all of that but I screwed up."

At the explanation Jane felt her anger dissipating. "Hey, do you think I would allow you to abuse me? If anything you have been helping me, giving me a reason to leave Li's little ghetto, getting me inside Brittany's party even if I'm still not sure who dragged who to that party, and you also make sure I get a piece of the cake when you have one of your crazy ideas, both with the term papers and the café. Plus you haven't been billing me for the math classes or the proofreading either."

Now certain that the issue was dealt with, Daria relaxed once more by returning to her more normal and much more limited range of expressions. "Well you haven't billed me for using your house as a front for our little business, so I guess we're even there. As for the printer then I propose to see it as an inversion, for starters if I ask for the receipt to be done in my father's name I can ask him to take the tax deductions, he is always in favor of getting a little back from the IRS, of the rest I will pay right now with my mother's credit card and then give her the difference in cash, so they can send it as soon as possible to your house, I'll pay 75% and you pay the remaining 25%."

"Hell no, the computer is going to stay in my home so its fair for me to pay for at least two thirds of it." Daria's counteroffer didn't take long. ". Since I'm using both the computer and the printer most of the time then it would be better if I paid the 66%."

"You may use the printer more nowadays, but I'm the one that is going to benefit more from the scanner, so this is my last offer: We'll split it half and half and I'm paying for the consumables, I'm even going to bill them in Mister J's name, it's not as if Mystik Spiral pay taxes to begin with.

Seeing Jane's determination and finality on the matter Daria acquiesced and called the employee who had been helping her and who'd wisely decided to flee once the discussion became personal. Then they just filled the appropriate forms and were told that the shipping would arrive at Casa Lane by Tuesday. When they left the shop, much to their chagrin Upchuck was outside waiting for them with a store's bag filled with something. They had hoped for him to get lost.

I II III IV*

Their next stop was Scissor Wizard which wasn't a shop for scissors as Jane hoped, nor one of those Art and Crafts stores for bored grandmas as Daria expected, and thankfully not some sort of wet t-shirt bar as Upchuck imagined, and neither girl even wanted to ask what sort of train of thought led to that particular destination; it was a Hair salon in which the stylist, a woman who had decided that it was fashionable to shave off the left half of her faux blonde hair and to paint a tattoo in the cheek on the same side while using a triple piercing on the opposite ear, actually believed her own publicity.

The hairdresser took a look at Jane and said. "You got here just in time." Then she pointed dismissively at Daria. "You're almost in time." And finally she saw Upchuck entering the place. "And what are you?"

"Me, I'm just the chaperone of these two wild flowers who are here to grace your workshop with their presence." Upchuck was turning his charisma up to eleven which actually made him far creepier than usual.

Deciding to ignore Upchuck for the moment Jane held her coupon out to the attendant "I've got this coupon." The hairdresser led her to a chair in response. "But I just wanted a pair of scissors."

"We don't sell scissors, we cut hair. Which show?"

"What?"

"Which TV show do you want your style from? Most of our clients go for a sitcom. Although, you're more the "movie of the week" type. I have a TV Guide if you want to browse."

Jane decided to treat the professionalism and experience of the stylist with the deserved respect. "Have you ever seen Sick, Sad World?"

"No."

"No my dear, I think that the show that you should emulate should be Baywatch."

Before the other females could respond to Upchuck, Daria added her two cents.

"How about Animal Maulings on home video?"

"Yeah, I'd love to have hair like that woman who was molested by the kangaroo."

"Really? She looks so every day."

"I mean, after she was molested."

"Ohhhh."

"I would molest you any day of the week; just say the word my gorgeous desert rose."

"Make sure you get, like, the big clods of dirt and stuff in it."

The casual dismissal of her person was unnerving the hairdresser "Listen, um, maybe you girls should come back another time. My next appointment's here."

"What about my coupon?

The hairdresser, already at wits' end tried offering a can of something to get them out of her workplace. "Mousse?"

"Hey, how about that guy who was trampled by the moose?" Daria was having too much fun poking the woman to just quit, even if her last comeback wasn't all that witty to begin with.

"Maybe you should think of a less materialistic from of payment my dear Jane; there is always space in this threesome to make into a foursome. Grrr…" Upchuck had one of his hands mimicking a claw in a parody of a big cat.

The attendant's shiver at Upchuck's last proposal was visible. But the straw that broke the camels back was the sound of Jane's camera as she immortalized her expression, even as she hurried to get a metal box. "Look I got real clients kids, take the money and leave! I just… just leave!

Once the trio was outside Scissor Wizard, they started walking towards they next objective.

"Ah, it's so refreshing to see how the vain fall over"

"Isn't it the mighty?"

"Did she appear in any moment to be anything approaching mighty to you?"

"Indeed, it has always been a guilty pleasure of mine to bring low those who belittle the female figure with their false pretenses and their misplaced vanity."

"Are you telling us that your pervert womanizer routine is an act?" To say that Daria was a little skeptical would be and understatement.

"Of course my appreciation of women is true, but I do understand that different ladies need a different touch, like you two my untarnished wild flowers. By the way dear Jane, can I see your camera? I myself use a Nikon F4AS with telephoto lens, the best to catch the prey unaware." They walked the rest of the way to the next shop bonding over photography and humiliation.

I II III IV*

After a while they covered most of the stores on the left side of the mall, since they found in the stores no one worth the effort of bothering into submission for a few bucks they mostly bought small stuff and kept the change, so far they had gotten some shoe laces from Shoes N' Style, two cheap water guns from Toyland (they had to stop Upchuck from buying a third one for an impromptu wet T-shirt contest in the bus), and a rock cd that Jane paid the price difference since she was tired of listening her brother's band's brand of music all the time. Now they had arrived to the food court in front of the Super Mega Multiplex cinema, and were about to eat something else after doing Bennett's assignment.

"Traffic patterns at the food concessions." Jane said.

"Hmm. I've noticed a pattern. People walk in looking hungry…" Daria started to say…

"…And leave, stuffing their face." …And Jane completed her sentence without missing a beat.

"Assignment completed."

"I believe we can do better." After saying this Upchuck went to the part of the food pavilion reserved for Fries-N-Things and took a receipt from the ground, and then searched for a different one near one of the trashcans. "Look this one is from quarter to two and the second one is from half an hour earlier so if we compare the till number on both…"

"Then we can extrapolate how many people passed through here in the span of an hour." Daria took her notebook and wrote down some quick calculations. "Well now we really are done with the educational part of this visit, even if we didn't learn anything related to the school."

"Now, for extra credit, let's experience the traffic pattern for ourselves."

"Yes, and it's on my pocket my dear ladies."

I II III IV*

Nearby the members of the Fashion Club were seated at a table in the same food court as Daria and company, who were resting after their tiring yet satisfying Fact Finding Trip, before they'd visit the remaining stores. Now that they weren't distracted by the goods of the many shops they were discussing Quinn's ideas in more depth.

They sat near the salad bar by one of the fast food stands, drinking a surprisingly wide selection of diet refreshments and teas. "I know! A makeover project! We'll find some hideously out of style nobody and make her look as good as us." Quinn paused at a glare from Sandi. "Almost."

"That's so great, Quinn. I wish I'd had such a brilliant idea. You guys should impeach me and make Quinn president!" Of course this statement, unlike the ones she had given on Monday, was calculated to be rejected by the rest of the girls and therefore indirectly bask in the light of Quinn's proposal.

"Oh, Sandi, I never would have had that idea if it weren't for you. You said, 'the Fashion Club should do more for the community.' You're a great leader." Quinn knew the reasons for Sandi's words, but right now it was better to keep her fat and happy, at least metaphorically speaking for now.

"That's 'cause you guys are such great leadettes."

"So we'll find, like, a loser poster girl, to show that we really, like, do stuff for people." Stacy, who was mostly unaware of the political double talk in front of her, tried once more to direct the conversation to its original topic, one of the reasons she was a good secretary for the club.

"But… if we do posters, shouldn't we… be on them?" Tiffany on the other hand was able to resist most attempts to stay on topic, yet this time was not so off target.

"We can have a fundraiser to buy her makeup."

"Cool, a party!" This particular statement from Stacy would probably unleash a party sooner or later in her own house.

Then a voice everyone else at the table had forgottenmake itself heard. "Can I come?" The poor guy had been carrying the girls bags for hours now, waiting outside the shops without being allowed to even browse anyplace, yet he still wanted to be part of this group.

"Listen, um, guy, why don't you just wait in the car for us?" Quinn was already tired of his constant whining, and by now she was sure that he was dependent enough of her reputation to avoid wandering away from them. Adding to the problem was the fact that he was dirt poor and unable to buy pretty things for her. Quinn had been spending a lot of money in recent weeks for miscellaneous clothes and accessories and during the last few days in particular to pay for the different meals she had invited the Fashion Club to and for the necessary gas for their return trip. She hadn't even bought more than a scarf during the entire trip.

"But you said if I drove you I could hang out with you."

"Oh, all right! But don't try to participate, okay? We're in the middle of a meeting." While saying this she thought about her plans for the future. 'Next time I'll make sure the Three J's are free, to break in a new guy is such a chore.'

"Look! They'd be perfect!" Stacy was pointing to a trio of teens in a different part of the court, the two girls, one in green and one in red, were being followed by a red haired boy. All of them were too far away to see their faces, but close enough to see their deficiencies.

"Wow, you're right. They need help." Tiffany said it so before eating a piece of her salad.

However Quinn wasn't listening at this point. 'It can't be; they look exactly like my loser sister and her weird friend. What are you saying Quinn? Those two are barely leaving school by now, plus Daria would rather eat one of her books than to come to a place this fashionable. There are plenty of poor fashion blind girls, stop psyching yourself out. Getting her wits back in record time she then started to criticize their targets. "Especially the one on the left, she really needs a different hairstyle, and maybe some subtle streaks."

"At least she's got nice legs, even if she needs to wax them, a little skort set might work. Have you seen the new skorts? Really cute." Sandi reminded them of their visit to The Sports Shorts, a store that everyone had been more than a little skeptical of at first but had shown that Quinn's research was spot on.

"Is it a skirt or is it shorts? I love that.

"I wonder if they make skorts for sports!" Tiffany had to be really focused inside the shop to miss the rows and rows of sport equipment inside that particular shop, but her dedication to fashion worked far too well.

Quinn having convinced herself of the identity of the mystery trio decided to work a little more on her PR within the club. "Well, then I'm going over to them to make a proper survey of the amount of work we will need in each makeover, you can stay here and finish your salad."

She then walked towards her objective and put a hand on the girl with the green jacket. "Hello, I'm from Lawndale's High Fashion Club and I would like to…" Then the girl turned and they saw each other's face, they stood still for over a heartbeat and both sisters reacted identically. "Aaaaahhh!"

Quinn by virtue of having at least a subconscious warning of her sister's presence was the first to speak. "Ghaud, what are you doing here! You're supposed to be in school!" the way she was pointing at them with a disbelieving face got Daria out of her stupor.

"Well Quinn you took the words right out of my mouth, I came here as part as a thinly veiled attempt from my economics teacher to have a shopping trip disguised as a field trip, but I wonder what's your excuse. Why don't we take a seat and talk about it?" Quinn realized immediately that her sister wasn't asking.

On the Salad Bar the rest of the fashionistas were looking at the scene with a little bit of confusion.

"Why did Quinn yell like that, is she okay?"

"Maybe the girl was… really ugly?"

"It could be, we may need to revaluate the viability of the Makeover project if there is a chance that we may encounter similar ugly people."

"Look, Quinn is sitting with the ugly girl and her friends." Stacy sounded amazed for a moment.

"So… brave."

They went to a table more or less away from the eyes of the rest of the club members, and then Quinn let herself fall on one of the seats, not even looking at the other two persons already seated. Once seated with her friends around her Daria recovered her control and started the needed inquisition with a smirk. "Good to see you, Quinn. Well, what an unexpected opportunity for sibling bonding. Don't you think so?"

"I'm going to be sick."

"Is that, like, a family thing?" The irony of the statement couldn't be overlooked by Jane.

"I'm sure Mom and Dad will be really pleased to hear I ran into you. Here at the mall. On this lovely school day. Now Quinn you've got to convince me not to tell, and that is not going to be easy. So start convincing.

"This Monday Sandi gave me an ultimatum to either contribute more to the fashion club or to be put on a sabbatical, so I proposed we come here, but no one was free to take me here, and the only guy who could only had his car available today. Oh and we decided to start doing makeovers for community service, you like community service don't you?" All this was said with a look that was desperation itself.

"For some reason I don't think that makeovers are on the same level as feeding the poor. For that reason amongst others I don't think that you will go far appealing to my compassion, but maybe if you appeal to my greed?"

"Okay, state your terms." The look of desperation morphed in a heartbeat into an annoyed and irritated one.

"It's weird. I can't think of anything I'd want... from you."

Half-heartedly trying to negotiate a lesser price she offered. "How about a free makeover?"

"No, thanks... but, I wouldn't mind taking it easy around the house for a month."

"A month?"

Jane finally added herself to the conversation. "I'd hold out for cold cash." Followed by Upchuck. "Personally I would ask for a candlelight date with all members of their delicious club, one at a time or all together." Quinn was startled by the other ones, she hadn't realized until now who they were, and while Jane was no weirder than Daria, Upchuck was a total creep.

"Or you can just never set foot inside a mall for the rest of your sorry adolescent life." The message was clear as well as the only answer Quinn could give in return. "Ugh! Fine!" It had been an effort to inject that amount of disdain while she was so worried but she managed.

"And a ride home from your little friend would be great. Jane and I really aren't in the mood to take the bus back."

"No, absolutely not, if you do that everything else I have been doing this for will be for nothing Daria, you just can't"

"Then maybe you could go with Upchuck here, I think we'll appreciate it even more."

"Yes, yes, thank you so much my beautiful spectacled damsel, I promise you I'll make it worth the time with those delectable kitties, all three hours."

"NO, Daria please, I'll do whatever you want later but this is important to me, can we discuss it later, just like when we were little, just a chance please…" This time the desperation in her voice wasn't as funny any more.

"Ok, Quinn I guess we will discuss this later at the house, but I warn you, this time will be the last, one way or another." Hearing this coming from Daria, both Jane and Quinn almost fell over the chairs, it was quite unlike her to just let go of a prey when she had it cornered and helpless, much less when her little sister was acting ashamed of her elder sister again.

"Thank you, by the way can you spot me a few bucks?" Quinn had rebounded from the second surprise of the day much faster than the first one and decided to make use of her sister's unnatural generosity for as long as she could.

Daria opened her mouth to answer her sister, but then thinking it over she closed it and turned to Jane. "Jane, can you lend me the coupons that we were saving for the end of the trip?" Jane was so astonished that she searched automatically for them without complaint. "The ones that are from places that would suck our soul and use it to clean their huge noses? Here you go."

"Quinn, these are twenty dollar coupons for different shops in the mall, this is a loan not a gift, if you don't pay those in full later I will cash those myself, and you won't like the way I do so, do you understand?" As she said she gave her sister three slips of paper, one after the other in quick succession.

'It's not as if you would use these anyway' Quinn thought, but she wasn't foolish enough to say it aloud. "Ok, paid in full, got it." Without saying goodbye she rose from the desk and walked back towards her clique.

"Quinn what took you so long? We are almost done with our light salads."

"Sorry Sandi, it was such a serious case of a fashion disaster that first I tried to make the girls come over, but they were so ashamed that they couldn't even raise from their seats…"

"Oh poor girls, you're right Sandy, we are soo lucky to have each other for fashion." In that particular moment Stacy felt the luckiest girl in the world for meeting the fashion club and being saved from the same destiny.

"Well yes, since they couldn't come here then I gave them a few tips to correct their most glaring faults, she was so happy that she gave me these." Then she showed the fashion club the coupons, and rejoiced at the astonishment of the girls. "We'd better go the other way, they're already spooked enough by our superior cuteness."

"Yes, you're right Vice-President, it would be improper to tarnish the Fashion Club's first, but not last act of charity, so let's go already, we have many other stores to investigate."

As they were leaving their packmule chose to speak once more. "Who was that girl?" Quinn who wasn't in the mood to be delicate about it shut him up one more time. "Look, you were hired to drive, not speak, okay?"

I II III IV*

Meanwhile Jane was trying to extract an explanation from Daria. "What the hell was that? I have never seen you go so easy on anyone, much less your sister, and this of all days? I mean, you puked on the bus, why would you quit?"

"I'll tell you in a moment, but could you take a picture of them right when they are in front of the cinema? Also another of the cinema's billboard please." Jane, used already to strange requests not only from her friend but from all her family, took four snapshots.

"The reason I backed off, is because of an Accord with a capital 'A' that Quinn and I came to when I was ten and Quinn eight years old, on that occasion our fights started growing out of control so after she crashed my birthday and I crashed a slumber party we decided to put a stop to it before our parents realized, amongst the things we agreed was that we could reject a punishment or bribe if it was too much and renegotiate later. Lately Quinn and I have been fighting a little too much, so I'm going to offer an Olive Branch, and I sincerely hope that Quinn understands its meaning, because if not then this will get ugly."

Upchuck, who had been mostly quiet about the matter until now, said. "Well it seems that the relation between siblings is far more complex that I would ever have imagined, I guess that in a sense I'm lucky that I'm on good terms with my cousins."

"Dunno about that, I have four older brothers and sisters, and none of them required to have peace conferences and treaties, the worst thing we did to each other was to play pranks or just hit each other until the other gave up, I always won against Wind and Trent, but Penny would kick my ass from here to Mexico."

After that they ate their remaining lunch in a comfortable silence, before they left the pavilion Daria went for a schedule for the Multiplex. It was then that Upchuck decided to split up from the girls. "Well ladies, I've got some personal purchases to do in the remaining time. It was a pleasure and a privilege to spend this day alongside you my wild flowers, I bid you farewell. Don't worry about your secret my lips are sealed, unless you want to unseal them with a kiss of course.

"Bye."

"See you later or better yet, not."

I II III IV*

Without any other coupons to exchange, Daria and Jane went to Books by the Ton, the only store in the whole mall that Daria actually cared about. There she bought amongst others Walden; Life in the Woods, an anthology by Truman Capote, and a few legal thrillers just for the kick of it. Jane got some art books, including one of Fractal Art in Nature, and "To kill a mockingbird" a book that intrigued Jane by the high regard Daria had for it as well as being not as daunting as the rest of the literature that her friend read.

They stayed there until it was time to get to the meeting point with the rest of the class, at which point Jane had to almost drag Daria out of the store, not so much for a refusal to leave, but because her new books were weighing her down. Once they arrived the first thing they did was to unpack a couple of their brand new books and read them while they waited for another half an hour for the rest of the students.

Then it was time to board the tram once more and leave for the bus, luckily Daria's stomach was in a slightly better condition for the return trip so she was able to avoid getting too sick from the movement.

Once they arrived to the bus all the students went to their respective places, with the exception of Jodie and Mack, who this time wisely decided that Rosa Parks would understand their plight, and would approve of the two black leaders of their generation sitting in the back, as far away as possible from the head cheerleader and the QB. For many fortunate reasons they didn't have to worry about them for once.

It seemed that Kevin had been the 10,000th customer of the Doo Dad Shop and was given a bunch of the ridiculous toys. Once Mrs. Bennett had known she had forcibly removed Brittany from her seat and the plump woman was in the process of negotiating for the toys in exchange for different doo dads she and her husband had at home. Kevin was about to become crazy, or sane in his particular case. At least on the ride home Daria didn't have to smell the putrid perfume, she also didn't need to hear anything about Fuzzy Wuzzy Wee Bits or Doo Dads.

The trip itself was far more relaxed, the students who at the beginning were chatting animatedly about their purchases were soon falling asleep on the bus and even Brittany's energy and frustration with their teacher was drained eventually. Daria just leaned against Jane for a moment as they rounded a curve and then in a second was snoring softy.

I II III IV*

The ride home was a noisy affair for the Fashion Clubbers. Tiffany had found a Radio station that broadcast Britney Spears and the Spice Girls, after the first hour the poor driver was almost driven into madness and by the time they arrived at Lawndale he could barely remember his own name. The members of the Fashion Club passed the time talking about the days events, even Sandi had relaxed the usually stiff protocol she insisted for the meetings.

One of the favorite topics on the way back was Quinn's talk with the unfashionable girls at the food court. She explained why she screamed in horror at the sight of a huge pimple, and how she apologized for her rudeness, which she did only because she didn't want to tarnish the honor of the club. And then having been invited to their table she did an impromptu session of skin care as well as a few tips for dressing. The way she described how they decided to give her the coupons to help her help other girls did draw a few tears from Stacy, as well as Sandi's nod of approval.

By virtue of being the closest, Quinn was the first of the girls arrive home. Once there she carefully went to the front door and concealed the bags containing her purchases. Peeking through the window she was only able to see her father reading the newspaper on the living room sofa, satisfied that there was no one prowling around ready to ground her for the next three and a half years she opened the door and not quite ran towards her room, saying hello to her father without stopping for a second.

The moment she was alone in her room she stored the few clothes and accessories she bought, hiding the tags and bags until she had the opportunity to get rid of them in a way that neither her mother nor her father would notice their origin. Once those tasks were done she relaxed and lay on her bed to rest for a while, or at least she tried; she knew that when Daria arrived she would have a conversation, a nasty one, where the stakes were high and the odds weren't favoring her.

'How do I get out of this one?'

I II III IV*

When the bus finally opened its doors in front of LHS a torrent of stiff and sore teenagers came out, many carrying bags full of merchandize, amongst them staggered Daria, with her stomach giving her problems, even if this time she avoided the worst parts of the voyage by falling asleep. She had only walked a few steps behind Jane and she was already feeling the weight of the many books in her bags, she hadn't left school grounds yet and she already regretted cleaning out the discount pile of Books by the Ton, to walk home with both her latent nausea and a Ton of Books would not be fun at all. She was driven out of her musing by the honk of a car.

It was Upchuck, he had gone for his car and now he was waving his hand from the driver's seat. "Miss Lane, Miss Morgendorffer, it seems that once more you are in need of a knight in shining armor, so do you want to mount my steed?"

Daria thought of half a dozen ways to dismiss Upchuck in that moment, from the comical to the truly hurtful, but she realized that none of them was worth walking home in her poor condition. "Since I already know that I can't just ditch the knight then I think I accept." Jane's acceptance was just as swift. "All right Sir Pervelot, lets ride towards the sunset."

"Don't worry I'll take you wherever you want, my beautiful wild roses, I still remember your addresses from our previous night's rendezvous." Once both girls were inside the vehicle, they left the parking lot with the epic sound of Funky Town blasting from the car's stereo."

In almost no time they arrived at Casa Lane, "Well home sweet home. Thank you for the ride Upchuck. Daria see you tomorrow." Before she could fully get out of the car the driver gave her something. "Jane, wait. I got you a little token of appreciation for the day we spent together; it's the red box in the backseat." Now Jane was truly surprised. "Ummm…. Thank you" With those languid words she went to her home.

The place wasn't far from the Morgendorffer home so less than five minutes later they arrived at the house. Once there the red haired boy reached into the back seat for a green box. "You shouldn't have bothered…" His answer was as unexpected as the gift. "But I did bother to blackmail you into allowing me to join your company, yet it was a surprisingly cordial voyage, even more so considering how practised you are in the art of revenge.

Daria did smile a little at hearing the last part. "Well, goodnight Charles, and thank you." Leaving behind the mesmerized teen, it had been years since anyone at school had used his real name, she walked with her bags the remaining distance to the door.

I II III IV*

Once Daria crossed the threshold of the house she was greeted by a smiling Helen, who had managed to arrive home just a little after her youngest daughter and was right now relaxing in the living room before dinner. "Hello dear, how was your trip? Did you buy something interesting?" Jake who had finished with his newspaper and was watching the TV with his wife added. "Daria went to that big mall that Quinn has been talking about right? I forgot; how it was kiddo?" Her daughter's answer was as simple and bland as usual. "It was as bad as I'd imagined, only worse."

Once Helen heard Jake she remembered exactly how bothersome the last week of Quinn's constant nagging had been and how troublesome it would become if she learned that the older sister had spent an entire school day there. "Daria, why don't you take your things to your room, discretely, before Quinn gets down here for dinner? We're eating lasagna." Daria grimaced a little at the menu and decided to add a small objection to it. "Mom, could I eat one of Quinn's yogurts instead? My stomach had an even rougher day than me." Helen sounded apologetic when she answered her request. "Sorry dear, but this time you should try to eat a heavier dinner, the doctor asked us to fast for some blood tests tomorrow so I fear that we are not going to have breakfast until noon. Why don't you try some fruits and see how they settle in your stomach; but that will be later, now get your stuff into your room."

Suddenly relieved that neither parent had noticed the green gift box Daria went to her room without further comment and with the exception of Walden she temporarily stored the books in a corner until she could properly classify them, then she put the water gun on her desk and Chuck's present under her bed, she didn't want to open it just yet. Then she changed out of her clothes and into her comfortable pajamas.

For a moment she thought about visiting her sister's room but her mother would have the dinner ready any minute now and she expected the conversation with Quinn to be a long and hard one, so she decided to wait a little longer. Instead she opened one of the cheaper books, a cold war novel which was more or less pure violence and sex with virtually no plot worth mentioning, in other words perfect to kill time until her mother would call her for dinner without being in too much danger of getting lost in the story.

Not long after that the voice of her mother came from downstairs, not even bothering to mark the page, she closed the book and headed to the kitchen, on the way she encountered Quinn for the first time since their unexpected meeting in the food pavilion. "Later" she muttered to her sister, to which she responded with a single nod.

The dinner itself was a curious affair, since Daria was still feeling ill she ate some of Quinn's salad. More curious to her parents was the fact that Quinn didn't complain so they didn't mention it, for the rest of the family there was the usual lasagna.

"Girls, how was your day?" Jake decided to break the ice with a single question that usually would be considered safe for all involved, but today no one wanted to answer. "Yes Quinn, how was your meeting with the Fashion Club, have you resolved the problems you had with them?" Helen had redirected the question to avoid Daria talking about the visit to the mall, unknowingly asking a similar question of her younger daughter.

"Yes, we like solved all our problems, now I'm officially out of probation." Quinn was trying to look as innocent as possible while shooting furtive glances towards her sister and hoping beyond hope that she would not tattle on her.

"That's great princess, you show them what you're worth, unlike those stuck ups at Buxton Ridge, who wouldn't…" His wife decided to intervene before he got too deep on his memories. "Jake!" Startled out of his pent up anger he continued as if nothing was wrong.

"And what about you kiddo? Tell me about your day." Daria was in trouble, she didn't want to tell her parents about Quinn's visit to the Mall of the Millennium, but she didn't want to lie to them either, not even by omission, after all if negotiations fall apart it's better to be a 100% honest about it when telling the family. Luckily for both sisters their mother wanting to prevent an even worse rant from Quinn prevented the change of topic altogether. "Jake, why don't you talk about how your meeting with Clucky Farm Products went?"

"It was great, the publicity executive of the firm…" The rest of the dinner passed by without complications, at least until her mother decided to tell them of her plans for Saturday morning.

"Girls tomorrow we are going first thing in the morning to Lawndale Medical Tower, we have to be there at eight o'clock sharp for the required blood tests that Dr. Northman requested; that means that we need to be going without eating anything for eight hours prior. Once she does all of our check-ups I'm inviting you for a breakfast at The Settlement, Eric tells me they do some great bacon."

Hey, that sound delicious, I hate going to the doctor, but a big greasy breakfast more than makes up for it." Jake was the only person at the table that was even a little excited for the visit, and it didn't take long for Helen to bring him down.

"Dear, the visit to the doctor is girls only, you don't have to go, in fact you can't go, so why don't you stay here in the house and prepare your famous kitchen sink stew, now that our delicate tongues are going to be far away." Jake was oblivious to the insult to his food and concentrated on the fact that he would have the house for himself. "I'll have the house for myself, hurray!"

"That's the spirit Jake, now Daria could you pick-up the dishes please?" Quinn remembering the upcoming chat with her older sister started with her part of the deal already. "Let me mom, Daria kinda looks a like she needs a hand."

"Thank you, sweetheart. You're so considerate."

I II III IV*

Once the table was clear everyone went towards their respective rooms, Daria waited for ten minutes and once she decided that the coast was clear she took a few papers that were inside her old copy of Black Beauty and knocked on her sister's door. Without really waiting for an answer she went in and stood in front of the pink bed.

"Okay Quinn I think this talk has been long overdue, so we'd better get to it."

"Look, I'm sorry about not giving you a ride but if Sandi discovered that you were in the mall then she would have had more than enough evidence of your 'undue influence on me and therefore on the Fashion Club' I would never be able to survive the vote for a forced sabbatical." Quinn sounded almost apologetic when she said those words, but Daria knew that the only thing she was sorry about was being caught.

"Could you explain to me how a random encounter with me would be so bad, after all if I went with you I could use the blackmail card on them, they skipped classes too. And don't tell me you didn't think of that, you want to act stupid, but you are not stupid."

Feeling annoyed by that last comment Quinn lost most of her previous fear and became bolder with her accusations. "Well, this is not the first time you screwed up my social life Daria, the rest of the girls are scared that you would start messing up with them too."

"Do tell, how did I screw your life up? This last month we've barely interacted."

"Have you forgotten that mushy act you did on the assembly during the first week? Or what about when you dragged me out of the party after drenching my dates with ice cold water? Even that stupid fundraiser came back to bite me in the ass!"

"The mushy act was my answer about YOU…" The 'you' in that sentence was clearly emphasized. "…calling yourself an only child Quinn, I just informed the people about the truth. And now that you touch that particular point what the hell gives you the right to say that!"

Quinn was startled by the anger in her sister's voice, she never got visibly angry. She carefully chose her next words. "In Highland when I was in Junior High, everyone heard of you and your pet mutants, and I mean everyone: students, teachers, even the kitchen lady; and all of them were scared that by talking to me they would have to deal with them sooner or later so at the beginning they kept their distance, I won them over of course, but to do so was a long and messy process so I just stopped saying who my sister was and for those few who linked my last name with you I just denied it until the gave up. I saw here as a place for a new start so I kept denying you. Sorry."

"While I'm still angry about that I can see your point, sort of. God knows that on more than one occasion I was ashamed of being within a hundred feet of those morons. But even then if I hear that you're an only child once more, then I'll make you regret it." Daria was getting her cool back but she was still visibly annoyed.

"But what about the party at Brittany Taylor's house, there I did or said nothing to you, yet you just went all crazy and drenched the guys and then just kidnapped me out of the party, as if I was your property or something, I felt as if my life was over." Quinn was heating up the argument once more, her memory of that day fueling her anger.

"Quinn I don't think that you understand the implications of a fight at a party, any party…" for a moment Daria had a faraway look, reminiscing her wild and still secret days. The next words came almost like a whisper. "Yes, it can be fun to watch some guys beating the crap out of each other, and yes I know that those particular idiots aren't smart enough to hit you and be done with it. But they only need to brush the wrong guy, and instead of three friends in a private scuffle you'll have an all out riot, and when the law arrives to a riot they don't ask questions, they just get there and hit anyone that moves, until they don't."

"You don't know them like I do Daria, they wouldn't have done that, they would have played just a little and then got back to me, like always; and Stacy told me that when the cops arrived they just told everyone to go home. But no you just have to play the crazed Texas Ranger!"

"And how the hell I was supposed to know, I just heard the Cherry Topper and went for you before something happened, and those idiots were between you and me, and I remember you with your stupid sociopathic smile at seeing them fight, knowing you I bet that you put them one against each other and then just stayed back and laughed didn't you? God damn it Quinn, they are people, not your personal slaves!" All her previous emotions returned with a vengeance, she was now truly pissed at her sister.

"Like you're the one to talk, first you had those big headed psycho morons, and I recall that you didn't have any problem to sic them on anyone that bothered you just for the kick of it, and now you've got a pet teacher and that red haired pervert to do the same!"

"Shows what you know, half of the time I was preventing them from doing more damage, and for that I was ridiculed and ostracized, and what do you mean with a pet teacher!"

"Get real, everyone knows that O'Neill is under your thumb, he got you out of the esteem class, did that weird assembly for you and your freaky friend to play with, he let you run the coffeehouse however you want, that's why I was almost impeached, because if I was getting money for O'Neill I might as well be getting it for YOU!"

Both sisters were breathing hard by now, their hands closed fists, shaking but ready to strike and the barely contained tears were already escaping from their eyes. It was almost certain that the next word anyone would say would be followed by a punch. It was Daria that made the next move. She lunged towards her sister fast and unexpectedly enough to surprise the adrenalin filled teen and connect with her body before she could react, but instead of a hit or even a tackle she embraced Quinn in a tight hug.

Quinn struggled against her older sister, ineffectively trying to kick and punch her, at least until she felt the hot tears falling to her body and the sobs that were coming from Daria's body, soon she realized that at least half the tears were coming from her own eyes, and that she was sobbing just as hard as her sister.

It took a while, maybe hours, maybe minutes, before they expended their pent up energy and by mutual accord sat on the bed.

"Ghaud, I don't thing that we had a fight like this since we were little."

"Yeah, it was after you crashed my tenth birthday party with your friends…" Daria had half a smile on her face.

"…And you let the idiot duo inside the house in the middle of my slumber party later that week." Quinn let a small chuckle came out of her mouth.

"Quinn, do you remember this?" She was holding the paper she had extracted from her old book. It was filled with stickers and colored on both sides, with stars comets and other girly stuff.

"Dunno, no, wait a second… it's that mushy paper we signed after that fight isn't it?"

"The Accords of Highland, a proper and grandiloquent name don't you think? But it did stop those ugly fights we had. And I think it's a good idea that we sign them once more."

"Don't you think it's like a little childish to sign a paper with unicorns and stuff?" There wasn't any heat in her answer, just amusement.

"Maybe, but we haven't been acting too adult like lately have we? And while some of the provisions there are no longer appropriate…"

"Like that rule that we would give each other a dime if we opened the other's toy chest?"

"Yeah, I think some of those rules should be updated, but for now this will do..." Daria then turned serious. "Our fights are getting nastier Quinn, and I know that properly motivated you can dish as well as you take, and so do I, and frankly I'm tired of it. We can argue about the specific rules later but I have read it and I think that the basics in there are good enough for now."

"Ok, let me get a pen." With that they signed again the six year old piece of paper, this time with a clearer and more elaborate signature under the original ones.

"Well, I'm tired and tomorrow is going to be long, so I'm leaving for my room, good night."

With that Daria just left her sister's room, almost as abruptly as she entered and went to her own bed, so exhausted that she felt asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow.

I II III IV*

Saturday started early, really early, six o'clock early for Helen Morgendorffer thanks to the sound of her alarm clock. Beside her, Jake her husband was sleeping like a log, completely unaware of the bell ringing on. Finally admitting that she would not be able to keep herself in bed for another five minutes she rose and walked to the other side of the room to turn the device off, a precaution the couple learned in their first year of marriage when they'd launched a couple of clocks and a radio against a wall. Knowing that the two sloths she had procreated were probably still asleep, she decided against waking them up and instead took the opportunity and the time for a luxurious bath taking full advantage of not being hurried by the next person in the queue.

After her bath she dressed in a fast and efficient way, born of the many times she had to hurry to work, not only for Eric's requests, those were a recent affair, but to the many miserable jobs she'd had to take in previous years, jobs with long hours and a ridiculous salary, the kind of jobs born from the necessity of having to survive on Jake's meager earnings; at least today she wasn't using the business suit, but slacks and a blouse, simple and comfortable.

She looked at her watch and decided that it was time to wake her children, so she headed towards the room of her youngest and loudly knocked on the door. "Quinn, get up, we need to go to the doctor!" The answer came muffled and only her experience as a mother allowed understanding it. "Mooo, fif... ve moooor mi…utes" Or to the rest of the world'Mom, five more minutes.' Luckily she had contemplated the request beforehand and she had more than enough time to allow her a little extra time in bed, and when she tried again her daughter would be more awake and lacking an excuse. Then she did the same to her eldest, the only response from there was a soft groan.

To kill those extra minutes she went to the kitchen and prepared a set of cutlery and a glass of milk for Jake, she knew that if she left him to his own devices he would just eat with his hands and drink the milk straight from the carton once he tasted his sink stew and his mouth got burned. She was preparing the coffee before remembering with a grimace to halve the cups; she needed to be on an empty stomach as much as her daughters.

Once the promised five minutes had passed she went upstairs to wake her daughters for good this time. For the second time she knocked on Daria's room but hearing no answer she went inside. Her daughter was in her bed, deeply asleep and all but dead to the world; usually she would blame it on her almost chronic laziness and roughly shake her up, but this week had been quite hard on her, and she felt a little guilty for waking her up even if she was doing it so she could be seen by a doctor; so she shook her gently until she opened her eyes. "Dear, you need to wake up." Slowly she roused herself and sat on the bed, rubbing her eyes with her left hand as her right one has searching for her glasses hanging on one of the remains of the window's bars, it was a testament to how tired she was that she didn't voice a single complaint.

As soon as he was satisfied that she would not fall back to the bed again, something she had done more than once to annoy her, Helen went to Quinn's room. She repeated her call a fourth and hopefully last time. "Quinn, get up, we need to go to the doctor!" Her answer just as expected was far more coherent this time around. Mooom please, five more minutes." Unlike her eldest she didn't have any particular reasons to be gentle, so she went inside and gave a firm ultimatum. "Quinn, get out of the bed before I throw you out of it." Having done that before Quinn knew it was no idle threat and rushed out of the bed.

Now that both girls were fully awake it was just a matter of waiting for them to be ready, so she went downstairs and sat in the living room tuning the news on the TV while both girls battled for the bath and otherwise prepared for the day. Twenty minutes later Daria was downstairs, dressed as always in her green jacket and black skirt, a book on her hand as usual. Helen sighed. 'If I had known that when I sent Daria to buy some new clothes for her new life in Lawndale she would get five identical skirts and three jackets, I would rather have Quinn do the shopping… well no, not really but at least I would have kept a closer eye on her.'

It took another twenty minutes before she hurried Quinn to do her make-up and clothes selection faster, something she had been expecting too, but a quarter of an hour later Quinn joined them downstairs, uncharacteristically using a denim blouse with short sleeves and a pink skirt instead of her usual slacks and t-shirt. 'Probably to be more comfortable when her turn comes with the doctor. Maybe I should have done the same,' her mother thought.

Deciding against saying goodbye to Jake, who was still asleep and she had no intention of changing that, she herded both girls inside the SUV and headed towards Lawndale Medical Tower.

I II III IV*

Lawndale Medical Tower is a fourteen storey building of crystal and steel with a modern and bright look which is understandable considering that the place was opened to the public less than five years ago as part of an expansion plan by the medical consortium in charge of Cedars of Lawndale to decentralize their facilities. They have two parking lots, the first one above ground for regular patients and doctors, and a second one beneath the main building used mostly to prevent some of the most delicate patients from being exposed to the elements when doing a check up, but also containing private lots for some of the higher ranking members of the consortium.

Amongst the facilities it has a state of the art laboratory, not only capable of the more common blood tests and x-rays but with an MRI, a tomograph, and other advanced medical technologies available. Unusually there was also a gym complete with a small pool, which had people coming in and out of it, which was used for physical therapy and in a smart move it also allowed access to the facilities for the tower's personnel whenever they didn't interfere with scheduled treatments and classes. It even has a small Deli in the lobby, which was currently closed, but would open at nine O'clock. Adjacent to the towers there is a smaller structure of only four floors that hosts both the administrative office of the tower and the main corporative headquarter of the Cedars of Lawndale Consortium as well as their own insurance company.

Being so early on Saturday they had no trouble finding a place to park in front of the tower, neither had they any problem asking the secretary in the reception to point them the way to the labs, but once the doors of the elevator opened in the basement they were hit by a current of icy air from the labs' air conditioning, Helen and Quinn were suddenly envious of Daria's jacket.

Once there the hematologist on duty tapped something on his computer and then first printed out three sheets of paper and then put some sticker labels in the printer and did likewise, then he called for a nurse and gave her the paperwork. The nurse then guided them to a small cubicle where she gave each of them one of the pages that the doctor previously printed, it was a questionnaire of the kind that they give blood donors. It hadn't that many embarrassing questions, and they were able to complete it in no time, even as the nurse brought in a tray filled with empty vials and sterilized needles still in their packaging. Then after getting everyone to bare their arm, which meant that Daria had to take off her warm jacket and feel the refrigerated atmosphere of the room, and cleaning the area with a swap dipped in alcohol the nurse took a whole vial of blood that was immediately labeled with a sticker containing a bar code and their name.

As they were preparing to leave she gave them a little bottle labeled in a similar way to the blood vials. "These are for your urine sample; please fill them at your earliest convenience, be careful to use only the container with your name and to close it tightly before sending it to the lab, there is a bathroom at the end of the hall." And just to add insult to injury she added. "If you have problems doing so it's important to tell your medic." It took a while, and Quinn letting the water taps run for a few minutes, but before leaving for the upper floors all of the women had given their samples for the required tests.

Finally they went to doctor's consultancy on the fifth floor. The whole floor was decorated with a combination of bland landscapes and informative posters that gave useful health and hygiene advice. Daria wondered for a second what kind of decoration Jane would choose'Probably something involving zombies or slaughterhouses' she decided. Medium sized sofas were evenly distributed around the place, with small tables filled with magazines and three strategically located TV's hanging from the ceiling in special mountings so that no matter where someone was sitting they could watch at least one of them.

There were seven offices, all of which shared a single secretary who worked at a desk in the exact center of the waiting room. Said secretary, after checking their names on her personal computer took the phone and made a call, then directed Helen to office 503, which had proudly written on a glass sign Stephanie Northman, M.D. PhD. Gynecologist.

After politely knocking Helen crossed the threshold without the new doctor being seen by any of the girls, who were left to their own devices for the duration of the consult. Soon Quinn discovered that the magazines that were set aside in the waiting room were surprisingly up to date and catered for a variety of interests, including last month's issue of a teen magazine, which she took for herself. In Daria's case she glanced at the magazines for a second then continued to read yesterday's cheap novel. But her mind wasn't on the book, who's plot was too simple to hold her full attention; she was a little anxious about having a perfect stranger getting her fingers inside her, with or without a medical school diploma, although if there was a way to avoid having a week like the last one again she would take it, not with a smile, but at least without too much whining.

Then her mind drifted towards yesterday's conversation with Quinn, while hurtful it did show her a few hard truths; in retrospec if she had seen someone with Beavis and Butthead she would have kept a little distance herself too, not to the point of denying her own sister, and definitely not to the point of doing so after there was no danger of seeing those two again… She left those useless memories for something more practical, like exactly how she would put the words of a couple of little girls into practical politics between teen sisters with a lot of experience haggling with a mother who happens to be a corporate lawyer. As she was juggling with some ideas to make the document fair and impartial and at the same time to get the most out of it, more than an hour had passed and her mother came out of the door looking a little disheveled and signaling her to go inside.

I II III IV*

The first thing she thought about the petite woman with square glasses seated at the desk on the other side of the door writing something on one form or another, was that she was a serious and focused no nonsense kind of person. She couldn't even tell if she was in her mid thirties or mid forties, the seriousness on her face could belong to someone far older than that. Even searching for clues in the things around the office didn't gave her enough information to form a verdict; compared to other places it lacked most of the personal touches she was used to seeing, the only things not directly related to the practice of her trade were an old picture of a younger more carefree woman alongside a somewhat older man and two other girls of about her same age. Whoever it was her diploma that cemented her age as in her early forties.

Her first words did nothing but confirm her suppositions about her character. "Good morning Miss Morgendorffer, I am Doctor Amelia Northman, right now we are going to start with a physical exam, I already had Dr. Nicholson and Dr. Wheeler fax me your medical files,'Both our old family doctor and gynecologist' Daria added methodical to her description of the doctor, "but I do find it better to trust but verify, so I'll be asking you some questions while we're doing your test, if you could please take off your jacket and put it on one of the hangers behind the curtain so we can begin?" Then with sharp efficient movements she took off her glasses and folded them into one of her pockets.

Daria did as she was told, she went behind the curtain, in there was the exam table with the footrests at one end with an empty tray at its side, on the walls wooden lockers were currently closed. After taking off her precious jacket for the second time that morning and putting it on the wall hanger she didn't have much more time to review her surroundings before the doctor came in behind her, "Well, please sit down on the table."

As the doctor was checking her pulse, blood pressure and temperature she started with some of the easier questions, like her current alimentation, past sicknesses, fevers, and allergies; sometimes asking for clarification of a certain topic like the part about her current exercise regimen, which consisted mostly of the mandatory gym classes as well as long walks to and from school. The next question therefore, made while she was measuring her height and weight caught her completely by surprise.

"Did you have unprotected sex in the last three months?" At the question Daria reeled from shock, "Excuse me?" Unlike the rest of the questions, the doctor seemed far more interested in her reactions than the test she was performing and even the answer itself, then after a heartbeat she responded while putting the current page of in the back of the pile. "Sorry, I had a mix-up with the questionnaire; can you tell me if you have suffered one of the following symptoms in the last six months…" Something told Daria that the mix-up was no accident.

Once the physical was done they returned to the desk, where after sitting they finished with the regular medical questionnaire and started the more specialized gynecological one. "Ok, I have the information Dr. Wheeler sent me about the frequency of your periods, it is a little spotty on occasions so could tell me how many times you had your period in the last three months? Daria actually smiled when asked about it. "Can I go for my jacket? I think I can do better than that." Doing so she returned with a couple of folded pages, each containing dates separated by pairs going back at least four years. "Since I knew I was coming here I extracted the dates from my diary to have an accurate record; the first date is when it begins, and the second is when it stops." If Dr. Northman was surprised by the information she didn't show it, instead she reviewed the paper and then took a pen from her desk and wrote the intervals between each menstruation and frowned.

"Daria, did you tell Dr. Wheeler about the intervals between your cycles?"

"Yes, he told me they would stabilize on their own; since they did I didn't worry about it." Upon hearing the answer her frown become deeper but she didn't say anything else.

"Okay then, do you experience pain like cramps and or nausea, diarrhea, headaches, fatigue or others?"

"Usually not, but this time I have been suffering from cramps since Wednesday and yesterday I had a nausea attack most of the day, but that one could be due to the analgesics… now that I think about it I have been falling asleep as soon as I hit the pillow."

"And which medicines did you take?" They continued with relevant questions about her previous cycles and other maladies that could be related, and even if she'd been feeling more pressure since moving. But then they arrived at the section about sexual relationships.

"Are you having sex?" The doctor was able to ask this question without a hint of emotion other than an almost unnatural focus, which far outstripped anything her mother could do.

"I don't even have a boyfriend." Daria said just to skip this part of the interrogatory, however her attempt backfired.

"That is not the question I asked, and neither does a man need to be your boyfriend for you to have sexual intercourse, nor have I limited my question to males in the first place." Her voice then turned a little softer and showed more understanding. "I assure you that nothing we say here will ever reach your mother's ears, however for your welfare and my safety I need your answers to be neither misleading nor willfully incomplete."

"No, I have never had sex with either a male nor a female, and the farther I have gone is second base."

"So no manual or oral stimulation of the genitals yet?"

"No," she whispered. By now Daria was blushing so much that she feared that she would faint, Doctor Wheeler usually just gave her the typed questionnaire to fill in by herself, a process that she would do in seconds with the speed and precision of a metronome, neither her mother nor her sister nor Jane at the pinnacle of her inquisitiveness and teasing had ever put such direct questions to her.

"I think we can then omit the rest of the questions related to sexuality and STDs." She once more rose from her seat and went to the exam table doing a gesture to indicate Daria to follow her, she opened one of the lockers and removed a plastic package; it had a paper gown inside. "This gown is disposable as well as most of the devices I'm going to use for these tests; those which aren't have all been properly sterilized. Remember to check this whenever you have similar examinations, even if it's not with me. Please change into the gown." Then she moved to the other side of the curtain to give her some privacy. She returned as soon as Daria gave the signal.

"I'm now going to perform some tests on you, the first are the external ones followed by the speculum and a Pap test, a bimanual exam and the corresponding rectovaginal one. Do you know what those exams entail and why they are necessary? At Daria's nod she continued. "Then please sit down on the exam table." Then with surprisingly gentle movements she helped her patient to accommodate herself on the table, once she was ready she gave some last minute advice. "Okay, breathe slowly and deeply with your mouth open; and relax your muscles, this will not take long."

The exam indeed felt shorter and less traumatic for Daria than all her previous ones, maybe because it was done by a woman, maybe because she would only talk to ask a specific question related to the procedure and keep quiet otherwise, or maybe she was just more efficient and fast, but soon it was over and done and she was dressed and seated at the desk for a second time.

"Well Daria, short term you've got a mild case of dysmenorrhea, or in other words simple abdominal pain probably caused by your recent changes in lifestyle and alimentation, or maybe a minor hormonal imbalance. I found no irregularities in any of the physical tests I did here so I'm not worried about it being a symptom of a different pathology, although for a definite diagnosis I will wait for your blood studies and the analysis of the samples I gathered during the Pap test. For the pain I will write you a prescription for a stronger analgesic and some Dramamine for the nausea.

"Oh well, nothing new there, I'll put my bets on the imbalance, everyone always says that I've got a mental imbalance, don't know why." Daria was relaxing almost against her will, it sounded simple but she was still waiting for the other shoe to drop, probably on her head.

The doctor ignored the commentary, correctly classifying it as natural behavior. "What I'm worried about is the fact that you have been suffering from Polymenorrhea for almost as long as you have been having your period, cycles of 14-17 days are the exception not the rule. For those I would like to put you in a long term regime of monophasic combined oral contraceptive pills to stabilize your period into a 21 day cycle."

It took a few seconds to fully process the information. "Wait just a second; you're putting me on the pill?

She considered the implications of getting her under contraceptives. Two years ago, when she started going to wild parties, on a couple of occasions she had lost herself in the moment and almost gone a little too far. In the end she had barely managed to control herself, but afterwards she seriously considered getting some sort of protection, granted she was thinking more in terms of condoms but still… In the end she decided against it due to the risk of her family finding out; and more importantly because the inherent risk kept her on her toes and therefore the guys out of her panties.

On the other hand the advantages were crystal clear. She would be no longer menstruating twice a month, and while she never had suffered as much as she had the last time, she would save herself a lot of pain and suffering none the less. Plus she believed that she had enough of a head on her shoulders to keep saying no even without the Damocles sword over her head, and if she didn't better to have something to fall back than to face the undiluted consequences. With a sigh she nodded once.

Then seeing that she was at least open to the idea, Dr. Northman continued. "The pill is not a magical panacea Daria, it will not protect you from venereal diseases, nor it will protect you from pregnancy if you forget to take the pills for more than a month, it also causes…" Once she had given her a number of warnings and recommendations on the use of contraceptives, not limiting herself to the pill, she decided to touch on one last delicate matter.

"Well I think those are all the points we need to cover Daria, now there is only the matter of how much do you want me to discuss with your mom?"

"Do I have a choice?" Daria was feeling skeptical; most times people would talk as if she wasn't in front of them, unless they believed that her ignorance was for her own good, in which case she would have to suffer just to find out what new bombshell they would throw at her.

"I told you that all our conversations are private, and while your mother asked to talk with us after the consult, there are things that I will never speak about without your permission. Even the prescription for the COCPs is optional, state law allows me to offer you contraceptives in full privacy and it falls under patient-doctor confidentiality. About the only thing I'm forced to tell them about are the analgesics."

Daria pondered the matter for a moment before taking a decision. "Better tell her about the pill, I prefer the drama to be here with a qualified expert to tell mom it is necessary than to explain it to her the first time she finds the incriminating box in my stuff, and then tries to find the non-existent boyfriend I gave my virginity to."

"Good choice, let's get done with the drama then." Picking up her phone she told the secretary to call Helen. A moment later she entered the consultancy.

"Are you done? Daria, how are you feeling?" She sounded a little worried. Considering that the whole trip and the poking and prodding she endured today was because of how painful her daughter's week had been it was natural and expected.

"Mrs. Morgendorffer, please take a seat. We have many things to discuss."

"Please, Helen will do." The Doctor waited until the older woman was seated before starting.

"Your daughter demonstrated no abnormalities during the physical therefore while I must wait for the results of her blood work I will assume that her abdominal pain is provoked by her recent changes in lifestyle, so I will prescribe her analgesics and Dramamine to deal with the pain until her period is over. If her blood tests show anything or your daughter experiences comparable abdominal pain next month, I will consider a more thoughtful treatment."

Helen lost a good deal of her accumulated tension and started to rise from her seat, when the doctor continued with her evaluation. "However checking on your daughter's medical history as well as her own records, it seems that she has been suffering from chronic Polymenorrhea for at least four years."

"Chronic Polymen… what? What is it, how can it have gone unnoticed for years, what can you do about it? Is there a…" Dr. Northman raised her hand and stopped the tirade. "Calm down, chronic Polymenorrhea is a shorter than 21 days menstrual cycle, and it seems that your previous doctor had a wait and see strategy to deal with the matter, which is not a bad idea during her puberty. By itself it causes no long term risks, but the more frequent periods interfere with Daria's quality of life."

Struggling to calm herself down Helen began again. "Well, I always knew that Daria was a little early, but never really thought about it, Daria why didn't you tell me you have this problem?" Her daughter's answer, as well as the accompanying shrug, was nonchalant but sincere. "Didn't think much about it myself."

"Then, what can we do about it?"

"I have already discussed it with your daughter and a…" She was interrupted by the fax machine, and it only took a few seconds to read the incoming information. "Your preliminary results arrived only an hour late, I guess they are getting better downstairs. Helen, your samples are at this point normal, nothing unexpected there, and Daria, while I don't really trust the preliminary lab results I would say that they are within reasonable parameters. I would also suggest that since you're O Negative that you register at the local hospital for blood donors just in case, on that note you could also donate some blood yourself.

She then left the papers on her desk and continued with her interrupted explanation. "As I was saying, I already talked with Daria and a hormonal therapy with the use of Monophasic Combined Oral Contraceptives would allow us to control her condition and additionally they would reduce any discomfort during her period."

"Okay, then let's start with the therapy right away, do you have those contraceptives ava… ila... ble?" As the word contraceptives left her mom's mouth she could almost see her cogs slowly turn as the implications sank in. "The pill? You want my daughter on the pill? No, she is too young!"

"No Helen, four years ago I wouldn't consider it, two years ago I might have thought twice about it, but at her current age the risks of stunting her grown are minimal.

After being so skillfully deflected Helen tried a different approach "What I mean is that a there are consequences for a young lady when using those."

"Yes but I spoke with Daria about those too, and she will keep a closer watch on her weight, the risk of cancer has yet to be proved, and the specific medication I will prescribe her has got a low probability of causing blood clots."

"No, Daria doesn't need that kind of protection! She hasn't even hooked a date with anyone for god's sake, much less with someone who would go that far!" Her mother put a hand on her mouth as soon as her words parted from her lips realizing the depth of her mistake when she saw just how her carelessness had hurt Daria. Before she could say anything at all the doctor spoke again.

"Helen I know that giving your daughter the pill goes against all your instincts and experience, and that the only thing you're thinking right now is the welfare of Daria, but one of the things I spoke about with your daughter is the value and limitations of the pill as a contraceptive, and that while it can be used as one in most circumstances, on this occasion it's part of the best suited treatment for a condition that does impair her lifestyle in a noticeable manner." Ashamed of herself Helen could only nod "I see… sorry"

"Daria, here is the prescription for the analgesics, the Dramamine is an over-the-counter medicine so you only need to ask for it, and on for the Mircettecon I'll give you the prescription now but please don't take it until Thursday when I have a chance to review your full blood work and I call you to give the green light. I'll schedule another consult in a month to see how you're adapting to the medication."

"Thank you Doctor Northman." After that Daria and her mother left the office and called a nervous Quinn for her turn.

'Please, let not her be like Doc Wheeler, I swear, he was more embarrassing during the pelvic exam with his mouth than with his finger, and that is ewww…' Daria could almost see her sister's thoughts as she entered. Then she steeled herself for the inevitable conversation with her mother.

I II III IV*

"Did you have unprotected sex in the last three months?" Doctor Amelia Northman asked the young red haired girl while taking her measurements on the scale. It was an old trick that a psychologist taught her to get the most out of the standard interviews that she performed on her patients; the way they reacted to the unexpected question about sex usually told her a lot about how to perform the rest of the interrogation. "Wouldn't you like to know?" She responded with a flirty smile before the question sank in. "Wait, what?"

"Sorry, I had a mix-up with the questionnaire; can you tell me if you have suffered one of the following symptoms in the last six months…"

'Curious, very curious, she answered by reflex with a preplanned response, one that doesn't tell me anything at all.' Amelia had dealt with all kinds of reactions to her question, from panic of girls who had no doubts that if their father knew he would kill them, to the ones that a month later were still basking in the afterglow and ready to proclaim it to the world. Quinn Morgendorffer was used to being questioned on the fly about it; not by her mother, if that was the case the answer would have been different, then probably by her peers.

After the physical she continued with the gynecological questions in her office. When asked about her menstrual cycle the only surprise was the fact that Quinn had such excellent memory, recalling the periods of the last six months down to the day.

When she arrived to the questions related to sexual relationships she decided to probe hard, Mrs. Morgendorffer had told her that Quinn had a lot of dates over the last few months, which wouldn't be a problem if not for her response to the surprise question.

"Are you having sex?" She opened the questioning exactly the same way she did with the older sister.

"Of course not." The answer was simple and given with the same confidence as the first one, which told the doctor that it was just as untrustworthy.

"Do you have or have had sexual intercourse with men, women, or both?" Since Amelia wasn't sure if the last statement was true or not she couldn't just appeal to her honesty as she had with Daria, so she just pressed forward with the questions, in the hope that she would slip the truth one way or another.

Quinn rolled her eyes at the supposedly repeated question. "I already told you that I haven't."

"I don't mean currently, but in the past?" This time she just shook her head as a negative.

"Have you performed oral stimulation on a partner?"

"Have I performed what?"

"Oral sex Quinn, either with a boy or a girl."

"No, I don't do any of that icky stuff, okay!" The disgust was easy to spot, and unlike the previous ambiguity there was little doubt of the authenticity of the red headed girl's emotions.

'Eureka, a chink in the armor.' The doctor then asked more involved questions about sexual habits, including a few that weren't strictly necessary from a medical viewpoint. The girl, while putting on quite a front when asked about her relationship status, was obviously grossed out by the mechanics in a different way from the embarrassment mixed with interest that the older sister displayed when teaching her about the use of condoms alongside the pill.

Since she was finally satisfied that the girl had been telling the truth and was a virgin she decided to interrogate her a little more on her dating habits to compare and contrast the information her mother had given her and then get the pelvic exam over with.

I II III IV*

Meanwhile in the waiting room, Daria and her mother were having their own talk about sex, and it was just as uncomfortable to them as Quinn's interrogation was.

"Daria, about what I said to Doctor Northman, it wasn't my intention to hurt you." There was no answer, Daria had gotten her book out and was reading it, slowly turning the pages and deliberately ignoring her mother.

"When she told me that you were going to start using the pill I panicked. You must understand that I've seen what a teen girl like you can do when she believes she has all the freedom in the world…" Daria just kept reading, turning the page at a much slower rate that she was capable of.

"… And I know because I was one of those out-of-control girls." Daria stopped turning the pages, she still wasn't looking at her mother, but she was at least interested. "This was before I met your dad; when I was Quinn's age I was starting to date, usually nothing more than a little kissing, but then I got sucked into the hippy craziness and one of the older girls gave me a speech one day about free love, a box of condoms, and some weed for the nerves and then pointed me to a slightly older boy.

Daria had her book open and she was still looking at it with stubborn determination but anyone paying attention would have noticed that she was no longer turning the pages.

"Sooner than I thought possible I was the notch on the bedpost of a dozen guys, and that was way before getting myself into the commune where I lost count of the things I did and the number of people I did it with. I don't know what would have happened if your dad didn't woo me and slow me down enough to get my studies done even while we were still living like true hippies. What I know is that most of my old friends of that time are dead, drugged out of their minds or had had scores of unwanted, starving children."

By that point Daria had abandoned all pretence of inattention, she was listening closely to her mother, with her book sitting on her lap without a bookmark, it was not as she had been reading too much the last few minutes.

"I know that you're a smart responsible young lady, but then I thought of myself as one too, yet I committed so many mistakes, mistakes that I made because I always believed that I was above temptation and that my intelligence would easily compensate for my lack of experience. I worry about you dating because I know that when the time comes to be with a boy you will feel your body go with the flow, and if you don't understand those feelings you might put your trust in the fact that you're protected and let what happens happen just like I did."

Daria was torn, one side of her was deeply hurt by her mother's words, especially if they had been said without malice, it was that kind of careless comment about her inability to be cared about, coming from all sides, that had pushed her towards the senseless parties where the most meaningful relationship one could get was to see the face of the guy before being shoved into the closet for seven minutes of supposedly paradise, just to believe herself desired, even if never loved, by others.

On the other hand the reasons Helen had to say those words were sound. it was hard to imagine her mother being carefree and wild, but she did accept that the times she lived through could only be described as chaotic and a little too experimental, the fact that years later she was still scared of her actions was quite believable, after all part of her was already scared of some of the things she did. More than that they were concerns that she shared with her mother and that had been a cause to almost refuse the treatment to begin with, she had already been a little too close to losing control during some parties, even if she had a strict policy of never to eat, drink or smoke anything at all, not even if she kept an eye on the beverages the whole time, the only time she had not listened to her own advise was during her first party, and looking back she'd had more luck that she deserved to avoid getting drugged or raped.

With her usual calm and almost unfeeling voice she decided to finally respond to her mother. "Mom, I know why you're nervous about this whole pill business, I'm nervous too, but you must understand that at the end of the day it is my body that we're talking about, and frankly I don't think I ever want to have a week like the last one, plus all the pads I need to buy each month are quite bothersome to store and carry. Also you're right, I'm not the most knowledgeable person when relationships are what we're talking about, so if something goes either too wrong or too right I believe it is better to have and don't need that to need and don't have."

"I know Daria, just give me some time to assimilate that my little girl is not so little anymore, and that I need to let her grow up." She took a handkerchief from her purse and cleaned the tears from her eyes.

Then she continued in a more upbeat and positive tone of voice, "Just promise me that you'll not do anything too crazy until you graduate from college, by then I believe I will have assimilated this," however part of her was pleading for her daughter to take it seriously.

Daria, who seeing the crisis already over was reading her book from the part she left before going inside the doctor's office, took a second to answer her mother's request. "I will make no such promises."

I II III IV*

Back in the consultancy of Amelia Northman Quinn was already dressing after a silent and cold pelvic exam, one that was longer and more involved that the ones she'd had before, but ironically felt faster due to the lack of embarrassing chat. When she had half demanded and half begged for the doctor to not say anything embarrassing during the exam both had been quite amazed, Quinn for the fact that for once she had been listened to and didn't have to stand an old guy talking about how the size of her hips would be perfect for child bearing, and the doctor to know that a fellow gynecologist would do something so unprofessional even when asked not to.

'And to think that I'm the one with the reputation for insensitivity, at least it explains why Mrs. Morgendorffer was so chatty during her own examination, she must be used to it, while her daughters probably suffered when under the same treatment.'

Once the girl was dressed once more she invited her to sit down and then gave her a short summary of how her evaluation had gone, which was completely normal, once she explained that she would sent the results of her blood and Pap tests to her home via fax she started with the last loaded topic of the morning.

One of the reasons Amelia Northman became a gynecologist was because she hated babies with a passion, a result of being the older of seven siblings and having to take care of one or another for many, many years. So when deciding her career she chose one where she would educate women in how to avoid that unwanted state of affairs before they reached the point where an abortion or a permanent babysitter would be needed.

While her current patient had a lower risk of pregnancy than her mother had implied, or indeed that Daria had, despite the fact that both mother and daughter had said point blank that she didn't have any experience with a boyfriend or a steady relationship with either gender it was with her dating multiple partners that made it necessary to have a serious talk about contraceptives.

The exposition was far more direct that she would have preferred, unlike her sister she didn't have a convenient icebreaker in the form of the COCP, and the girl was reluctant to speak about it of her own volition so she just gave her the talk in a direct and almost brutal way, using a firm voice and making sure she listened to every word.

Once it was done she gave her some literature, most of it about barrier contraceptives, but a few on other topics to cover the information and avoid her further embarrassment, then she called her mother and gave her just a fast summary of the perfect health of the youngest daughter as well as a tentative appointment six months ahead for a routine check-up. Once they were gone she started to clean up for the next patient.

I II III IV*

The Settlement is a restaurant that caters the high end lawyers of Lawndale, at it is the price range is near to Chez Pierre but the place was designed from the ground up to be used for working meals, therefore it had large tables isolated one from another with huge ashtrays and electricity sockets nearby, there was always music in the background, soft enough to talk yet noisy enough to prevent overhearing. While the dinner there was formal with a strict dress code and reservations needed the breakfast was exactly the opposite, allowing access to people even on running clothes and sneakers to conduct business after a vigorous run.

Therefore when a mid level lawyer from one of the most important firms on the city came in slacks and carrying two teen girls with her they didn't even merit a raised eyebrow.

"Mom, do you think dad burned the kitchen by now?" Daria said as she was drinking her fresh orange juice, they had done a short scale on the drugstore for the medication that Daria was already cleared to consume and she was already taking them to prevent another incident like the one on the tram.

"Umm… probably not, the fire department would have called to my cell by now if that was the case, and that applies for an emergency stomach pump as well." Helen held her cup of coffee next to her face to better smell the aroma of the high quality beans.

"And do you think the neighbors will call us if dad leaves the whole block smelling like that occasion on Highland? My clothes were left impregnated for eternity and the house… ewww." Quinn was attacking some scrambled eggs with gusto, not caring for once about her weight, running more that 12 hours on an empty stomach would do that to some people.

"We can only hope that your father left a window open Quinn. By the way how was your Friday, yesterday you told us that you had finally overcome your difficulties with the Fashion Club."

Before answering Quinn looked at her sister who was eating some fruit, when the question came she took her fork and made a zipping gesture on her lips, indicating that she would keep quiet about her escapades. Once she was sure that she would not be exposed Quinn talked. "Well yesterday we started the day early, organizing a meeting to discuss the upcoming fashion for the fall…

The story Quinn weaved was the literal truth; she told her mother about the plans of the club, about how she had graciously allowed Sandi to woo some boys without her interference, and a bizarre conversation about skorts that dazed both of the older women on the table; she even told them about her shopping trip to the mall, carefully omitting the name of the mall and the specific timing of the visit of course.

In that moment Daria thought that Quinn had some future writing press releases for politicians, even she didn't detect a single lie there, she even mentioned meeting with some unfashionable acquaintances on the mall, referring to Jane, Charles and herself, all without giving the slightest clue of the real facts.

Then the conversation shifted again. "Daria, when are you meeting Jane for your sleepover?"

"I was planning on meeting her after we are done here, I'll just gather some of my stuff and then spending the night with her, probably criticizing which of the stereotypical college bimbos is more likely to be butchered by a serial killer."

Quinn pouted a little when she realized that for once it was Daria the one that would get a social life on the weekend while she stayed bored at home, another consequence of the week's desperate search for a ride was that she refused any and all of the dates she had been offered since for one reason or another they would have to be on foot. She would have to either spend time with her family or reorganize her wardrobe to better accommodate the new clothes she acquired yesterday to the latest trends for the fall.

"That's fun; I remember watching scary movies with my friends on pajama parties too.

Daria answered with her Mona Lisa smile. "Something like that mom."

The relaxed chat, even when each girl was hiding their own secrets and anxieties, was the nice relaxed breakfast all of them needed to recover the energy from the morning events.

I II III IV*

Once the trio paid the bill, they went back to their home. The house itself was luckily still standing tall and proud without any emergency vehicle marring the view, but that alone wasn't indicative enough to be sure that inside wouldn't look like a disaster zone.

When they entered, there was a penetrating smell on the house, characteristic of the Morgendorffer Triple S, Sink Stew Special. Jake was on the living room loudly sleeping on the couch, still on his pajama and with the newspaper discarded at his side. Immediately the younger girls headed to the nearest windows and opened them, while their mother went straight to the kitchen to start cleaning the dirty dishes and the remains of the stew from the table. There were no words needed since they knew the procedure by heart, this was not the first time they had come to the aftermath of one of their father's more successful attempts at cooking. It still beats to be in the middle of one by a wide margin.

Once the most basic habitability of the house had been assured for the short term Daria went to her room to collect whatever she would need for the night and the following day, including jeans, a couple of T-shirts, one oversized old one to sleep and another newer and more tight for tonight's party, as well as a full change of clothes for Sunday. She also took from her personal magazine stack many old issues of 'Consumer Reports', including the latest number, to write along Jane an article about the immoral tactics used to gather information on the Mall of the Millennium, there was after all a small amount of retribution to collect.

As soon as she was sure she had all of the essentials she decided to call Jane to make sure nothing was missing and that there would be someone at home to open the door upon her arrival. When she marked the number she got the answering machine's recording with Jane's particular voice.

"Hello, you're talking to the Happy Times Mortuary, please let your number and the number of bodies to bury, we're preparing our pack of starving dogs for immediate disposal."

"Hello Jane, it's Daria, today it's my turn to pay for the pizza and I wanted to see if something with a lot of anchovies would be…" She was interrupted by Jane's frantic voice. "Wait, wait I give up, just let those poor fishies stay on whatever dirty mud filled puddle they come from.

Once the usual pleasantries were out of the way Daria started the conversation on its earnest." I just wanted to know when I could go to your home I'm all ready in here."

Then you're free to come to my humble abode, as long as you left the anchovies outside, I have to clean enough every time Mystik Spiral gets drunk, no need to add my own green stuff to theirs."

"Don't worry, I'm getting a little tired of pizza myself, maybe we can try something different today?"

"Since you're paying then you're on. And by the way, what did you think of Upchuck's little present?" Daria was puzzled for a second before remembering the green box that she had stored yesterday. With all the drama she had simply forgotten about it. "Don't know, haven't opened it." She had then to separate herself from the phone as Jane laughed hard. "You haven't opened Upchuck present? Good, don't do it yet, just bring it here so we can share." Jane voice turned serious for a second. "I mean it Daria Morgendorffer; if you don't open it here in front of me there is going to be bloody revenge."

Daria suddenly had a bad feeling about the whole matter, however she knew Jane's tone of voice, and if that present was opened for even a little peek she might as well sleep with an eye open all night. "Ok, I will hold up my unstoppable curiosity until I arrive there, but if it explodes on my face I'll be sure to send some of the shrapnel on your general direction. See you in…" She checked her watch. "Half an hour would be fine?

"Half an hour will be… Don't open it." With that final warning the phone went dead.

Once she hanged the phone Daria crouched under the bed and extracted the forgotten present. Yesterday she had a dramatic enough night to pay attention to the green box but Jane's reaction had surely raised her interest today. While she dared not to open it she did shake it a few times to see if the sound and feel would give her a clue of the contents, however it was muffled and she was sure by the sound that it was at least partially filled with paper to limit the motion, meaning that she would get no additional information there. On the other hand the weight was distributed unevenly; one side was heavier than the other so it probably wasn't filled with clothes. She would have to let the mystery box closed until she arrived with Jane, so she might as well pack it now.

Once the duffel bag was fully loaded and double checked she went downstairs to say goodbye to her family. She was a little surprised to see her father already awake, he usually slept well until the afternoon after a Sink Stew binge.

"Hey kiddo, good morning how was your girls' day out? Did you do something interesting?"

"We had to wake up earlier than if we were going to school or work without the benefits of hot cocoa or coffee, then we were trapped by a vampire who extracted our body fluids, which included but weren't limited to blood. Once we were punctured and thoroughly humiliated we were sent to the office of an annoyingly direct woman, a trail that usually I admire when is not directed at me, who decided that vampires are just not as methodical as aliens so she decided to question, test, probe and molest me in ways a little gray guy would actually blush, and she ended the close encounter of the 154th type by getting mom all paranoid by the foreseeable future. But enough about my day, dad how was your day?"

"Well, I woke up really late to find the house empty, gloriously empty. Then after a while I realized that I wasn't dreaming; I really was all alone. After sleeping a few more minutes, or was it hours? I grew hungry so I went downstairs and I prepared my world famous Sink Stew Special. It is curious how always something interrupts me when I try to cook it for you, but this time it was perfect, no interruptions, no accidents, almost no smoke, just me and the pot. It was delicious, with as much chili and peppers as I ever hope to put in it, oh… I should have saved you some…"

"Don't worry about it dad." Daria was grateful of missing such an accomplished culinary experiment on novel rocket fuel.

"Anyway, once I was done I took the newspaper and then went to the couch on the living room to read, but I guess I felt asleep since I never reached the funnies." Then becoming more alert he finally noticed the duffel bag that Daria was carrying. "Wait dear, why are you carrying that?"

"Oh, the suitcase? I'm staying overnight in Jane house tonight, I'll be back by tomorrow."

"Staying with Jane, like on a pajama party? You haven't been on one of those in ages, I'm so glad you're having fun with your friend. Do you need some money?" He got a couple of tens from his wallet, which for some reason he never took off from his pocket, not even when he was lazing around. 'Something about Mad Dog taking his savings if he left it just anywhere, including in his room under lock.' Daria thought to herself, grateful once more that Mad Dog Morgendorffer was long dead and she didn't have the displeasure of meeting him.

"That will do dad, thanks." She was tempted to hug his dad, the enthusiastic support he showed to her was always uplifting, however hugs become into kisses really fast, and those tended to detonate declarations of how his little girl was all grown up and then tears would follow, and she had her fill of tears yesterday.

Getting her stuff out of the door she was about to leave when her mother intercepted her. "Daria, are you already leaving?"

"No mom, I just want to exercise more, and the method I chose is to carry a heavy duffel bag full of clothes and then walk around the block a dozen times."

"Ja, ja, People really don't like an smartass Daria. I wanted to be sure you'll be okay, this day has already been jagging enough, so I understand how a Peaceful evening with Jane can help you relax." Daria couldn't help but to notice the emphasis on the word Peaceful. 'So she is still nervous about the fact that I'm not a little girl?'

"Mom, Jane and I don't do peaceful too well, but I guess we can cancel the meeting with the satanic cult for the sacrifice of a goat on the midnight moon while naked." Daria answered on her most monotonous voice.

"I get it… I know that you're not the kind of girl that would do something too crazy, it's just that this day did remind me that you're a teenager, and I do remember my years as one, so please just be careful. Oh, and take twenty for a pizza delivery." She handed the bills to Daria who put it alongside her father's and her own money.

"Now that that is settled I'll be going. Goodbye mom, see you tomorrow." She waved with her hand as she walked towards her friend's home.

I II III IV*

When she arrived to Casa Lane she went to the door that to none of her surprise was ajar, the Lane siblings not really believing in the security of locks, at least when Jane was home, in Trent's case he didn't believe on even closing the door, much less locking it, even when he knew the house would be empty for an entire week.

Entering her friend's house without asking permission, a habit that Jane had actively cultivated, with as much stealth as a somewhat clumsy girl wearing Doc Martens and carrying a heavy and cumbersome load was able, which is not that much, in order to see if Jane had left a clue of the mysterious present that was currently on her duffel bag. Instead of tags on the living room or the remains of a box with the name of a shop she found Trent in the couch sleeping with his guitar on his arms as if he was a little child with a teddy bear.

Daria couldn't fully suppress a sight, just as she couldn't stop the blush creeping all along her body. Trent Lane was some serious eye candy, a laid back guy, with wild black spiky hair and a goatee, that for some reason shared the same three rings in each ear that Jane has and sports a tribal tattoo, unlike most of her acquaintances he was at his 21 years no longer a boy but a man and it showed on both his musculature and his voice. For some reason she sincerely wished to hear him sing one of these days, however until now their schedules didn't really mesh well with each other with him being mostly a nocturnal being.

But the real reason that her crush was yet to be crushed by her relentless intellect was that he was a really nice guy, one that didn't look at her with either contempt or lust, and during their short conversations he had been sparse in words but at the same time, the few words spoken were sincere and on his own way quite flattening. Not many people have called her cool and mean it.

She came back into her senses after a few seconds of devouring his body with her eyes, and after one last glance towards him she went to the stairs.

I II III IV*

Jane was on her room, reading from one of her new art books, now that she was able to see some of the European cathedrals' vitrals and how cool they looked when the light was just right, she was tempted to get colored glass and start experimenting with those, there was this broken window on Trent's room that was boarded and needed replacement for a few months now. After all while she had her fill of fun with film and the ability to get physical evidence of embarrassing and plain illegal stuff was quite useful, cameras were more of his old man medium and they weren't as hands on as she preferred her art.

Then she heard the steps of Daria making the stairs creak under the heels of her boots, a sound that the young artist had grown used to during the last few weeks. She checked that the camera was within arms reach and adjusted her bath robe, wondering at the very last second if it would have been better to wet her hair with the water she reserved for her paints, just as she opened the door to her room.

"Hey Jane, did you finally decided that clothes are an unnecessary evil you can live without?" Even as the sarcasm flowed through her lips Jane could see the puzzled face she was wearing.

She injected in her voice as much faux snobbishness as she was capable. "Yes, an artiste like me is above and beyond such petty concerns, so yes I decided that I would feel more comfortable in this, plus it would save me time after a bath. But enough about moi, how was the visit to the doc Frankenstein? Did he interchanged your bits with Quinn's?"

After Daria left her bag on a corner of the room she went to the bed and sit down while kicking away her boots, another habit that she had acquired while visiting her room. "Not exactly like Frankenstein, she lacks the maniac laughter when she has her experiment restrained on the table, plus I bet she actually has power surge's protectors for her working space, however she and the pet nurse lurking on the basement did extract from me different kinds of body fluids, ask a lot of personal questions that I will not repeat even under torture, and she finally after one of the most direct and embarrassing class of sex ed. that I've ever survived and then gave me a lot of pills followed by the Pill."

Jane had an impish smile on her face; she could only imagine how someone would convince her friend to make such a change of lifestyle. "The pill Pill? What, does she want to prevent the invasion of mini cynics with poor eyesight in then future?"

"No. It seems that my cycle is as much of a freak as I am and that preventing me for reproducing is only a fortuitous side effect."

Dropping for a second her smile she asked far more seriously, "Are you okay?"

Daria then gave her friend one of her half smiles. "I'll survive. Well, unless my mother smothers me with her concern that I will now sneak to the nearest party and get wild with the boys." Once more smiling Jane replied. "Gee, I wonder why would she think that of someone with your moral standing?"

Both girls shared a smile on the last part, after all they did have a party in the night, and they had gotten wild with the boys more than once, even if they didn't do anything that would warrant contraceptives.

"Well enough about that, did you brought Upchuck's present?" Now that Jane's concern for Daria was over, it was time for the entertainment to begin.

The response took the form of a nod as she dug her duffel bag for a box, identical in all ways to her own except the color of the wrapping paper, and then she showed it to Jane.

"Well, now that the present is here, can you tell me what it is that let you as hyper as Quinn went I used to give her sugared water when she was five in order to make my parents crazy?"

"That would be telling, just open it."

"Okay." Daria then started to slowly open the present, taking the slips of scotch tape and ungluing them one by one careful not to rip the paper. It was simply infuriating. "Come on, faster!" Jane could recognize the malice in the spectacled girl's face, she was doing it on purpose, probably hoping that she would just give up an open the present herself. 'Well, it's not going to work. I'll have the last laugh…'

Then finally she had removed the piece of wrapping paper and neatly, and slowly, folded it. Then she opened the gift that the red haired boy had presented to her. She extracted a piece of green fabric and then Daria's eyes grew incredibly large. Snatching the camera that Jane had prepared she took a couple of snapshots of the shocked girl.

It was a one piece maillot swimsuit with a slightly daring halter neck which leaved some of her cleavage exposed in addition of the almost bare back. Even with her dislike of name brands she could recognize the high quality of the fabric as well as the designer's name on the tag, Upchuck hadn't spared expenses on his little gift. The swimsuit itself wasn't really indecent, in fact it was as far as swimwear was concerned quite tasteful; however it was the kind of clothes that her conservative friend would never buy for herself, 'And neither would I' Jane confessed to herself.

Daria was already starting to form incoherent babble again, obviously embarrassed enough that her usually ferrous control was out of whack, but she know that no matter what Daria would be back in the saddle in a few more seconds so she decided to point the other part of the surprise.

"Hey Dar, what else is on the box?" Now that she had something to focus on, Daria once more got her hand inside the box and extracted from between the filling paper another smaller package with a present card attached to it. Mechanically she read it.

"The Desert Flowers bloom only once, it would be a shame that no one could see this event, my beautiful darling… Charles Ruttheimer the Third.

After reading it she focused once more on the little box and Jane could see that finally her indignation overrode her shock. "A webcam! I'm going to kill Upchuck, and then make sure that the only ones who are ever going to see his remains are starving wild dogs."

"Hey, I'm all there with you; the horn dog sent me a bikini and a webcam too. Although I must admit, for a practical joke at least he does not use the classical recourses of high school students: toilet paper, spray paint and dog poo. I can even sort of appreciate the gifts themselves, just as I will appreciate tearing Upchuck a new one on Monday."

"Well, I will appreciate making him eat the swimsuit too, and you don't really want to know where I'm going to put his webcam."

"Nah, too much of a waste of fine quality goods, I bet you can find an use for the webcam, I think I'm using mine to record my artistic process for the future generations; plus while I hate to admit it the pervert does know how to pick his clothes." Then Jane framed her friend with her hands. "I bet you that this green piece would suit you just fine."

"I don't think so Lane, I don't see you wearing whatever wet dream he sent you, do you?"

Getting from Daria what was probably the best cue she would receive, Jane took of the bath robe that she had been wearing, revealing a red and black bikini that, contrary to Jane's expectations when she opened her present, was just a little skimpier than a conventional sports bra and the bottom itself had a cut resembling shorts, and then she performed a little pirouette in front of her friend, showing her the goods. A swimsuit that was perfect for someone with an active lifestyle like hers, a swimsuit that much to her chagrin she found herself liking despite the identity of the sender… after the initial homicidal rage had passed anyways.

Daria on the other hand had endured one curve ball too many, and was now utterly flabbergasted, just as Jane had predicted, more like hoped, she would be after she had told her earlier that she had yet to open the green box. Now she was going for the last part of the plan, although the chances that she would be able to pull it off were on per with the chances that a chapter of Sick Sad World was true.

"Well, I did my part, now is your turn."

"What do you mean with my turn?'She's still on shock, perfect' Jane thought with carefully hidden glee.

"I showed you mine, now you show me yours, I'll go to the hallway while you change.

Before any complain could be voiced Jane left the room as fast as she could while keeping a relaxed and assured pace. Rushing now might be enough for her prey to get back to her senses, and escape the cunning trap she had weaved. Finally Jane would have her revenge for all the teasing she had received from Daria about that dammed sock and the incident on Brittany's Laundry Room a month ago that it represented, she even had the gall of sewing it on one of her padded walls.

Even without blackmail as a motivator, the unique opportunity to see Daria displaying some of her emotions in the open was too good to miss, other than the occasional fit of controlled rage that could be coaxed out of her only during the most stressful and malicious situations, most of her expressions, negative and positive were kind of muted. The only times she would act naturally were at the readings she had been performing at the Café Lawndale, and those weren't strictly speaking her feelings, but those of the heroine.

The hope that her friend would actually do as told grew when she heard through the door the sound of the zipper of her green jacket, meaning that at least she was taking part of her clothes off her. Even if she didn't do anything more she had learned more than enough to fight fire with fire, or at least green swimsuit versus white sock, and bury that piece of private teasing for a long time. Now if she did put the green maillot then she would have enough material to best a dozen incidents of the same magnitude that Brittany's party.

She could hear the phone started ringing downstairs, but before she could take the decision of letting the answering machine do the job it was designed for the ringing stopped on its own, so she just kept waiting outside the door.

Now it was just a matter of Daria not loosing her nerve, but of getting it back, just one second would be enough for her friend to regain her common sense and stop what could be the best blackmailing opportunity ever. After what felt like an eternity but was in reality less than a minute and a half a soft, almost timid voice sounded. "come in.

There was Daria, standing near the bed with her clothes pilled on the ground, red as a tomato with her glasses nowhere on sight, probably to stop seeing herself or maybe she was nervous enough to forget to put them back after getting herself inside the green one piece. And it seemed that her initial estimate of the swimsuit was spot on, it fit Daria as a glove showing her friend's curves, always hidden beneath baggy clothes and a thick jacket, for maximum effect, and making her legs seem much longer, even her humble breasts were almost augmented by the cut of the cleavage.

The two of them were quite a sight, on her two piece Jane was showing her body toned by the constant running she did every morning, usually almost as well hidden under her attire as Daria's was, and she discovered that compared to Daria she looked as tall as a giant, her friend once she had taken her boots off and without the square look that her clothes gave her looked small, in fact the term that came to mind was petite.

Then she realized what was wrong with the image, or more accurately what was too right with it. "Damn I was hoping that the swimsuit he gave you didn't fit so well and that he just got lucky with my size of bra."

Daria, who was still more than a little dazed by the blitz that Jane unleashed on her for the last fifteen minutes took a little time for her brain to restart, but once she had done so the conclusion she reached was not a nice one. "If Upchuck would try to buy me a bra then he would either buy me one flat as a board or one of Brittany's measures. This…" She said while pointing her to her garments, "fits a little too well to be the result of a wild guess, and that means than next time I'll talk with Upchuck I'm bringing some bamboo needles, probably the same ones I'm going to use on you Lane… Eeeeep!"

Further contemplations were delayed when Trent opened the door and invited himself in. "Hey Janey, Jesse called, he wants to go for some stuff for the Tank alongside the band so… Whoa!" Jane could see the moment he realized that her sister and friend were on quite revealing clothes, but to his credit he recovered in a second flat. He even had the heart to sent Daria a compliment.

"Looking good Daria, green suits you. Hey, are you two going to the beach?" Said girl had the same look and reaction that a deer in front of a speeding truck with the high lights on would show.

"No Trent, Lawndale's beaches are miserable and cold places full of rocks and water so polluted that you can walk over it. You know that, you sure complained about it that time that you tried a California style grunge."

"True, well I've going with Jesse, I'll be back in time for meal, or the dinner, or maybe tomorrow. Goodbye Daria" With that he left for parts unknown.

As soon as he left the room Daria went straight to the floor, searching for Jane's discarded bath robe, all by sending the black haired girl deathly glares which would have been far more effective if she had been able to see exactly where she was standing, Daria had notoriously poor eyesight without her glasses.

For once Jane was not teasing since she knew that a line had been crossed, and even if Trent's intrusion was not of her making, Daria might not see it that way. This night she would need to sleep with an eye open, but part of her hoped that the retribution would come hard and fast, Daria was a planner, and the longer she planned the more elaborate and terrible would be the vengeance.

I II III IV*

Once Daria had changed herself into her jeans and shirt and Jane had groveled on her metaphorical feet enough while doing everything in her power to redirect her thirst for blood into the red headed pervert who gave them the thrice cursed gifts in the first place Jane and Daria prepared their workshop to review their backlog of homework and the college level papers.

Once they had done the preliminary work on the subjects that Heather had send them by mail and had been assured that none was as overly complex as last week's Da Vinci's analysis, a stunt that their contact had to pay a fine in cash during Wednesday's business meeting, they started gathering the required information from both the Internet and the surprisingly large collection of assorted art books that the Lanes kept on their house, whatever resources they lacked they would collect during the week either from the Morgendorffers own private collection which due to both parents initial hesitation in choosing a career was quite large, the school's library or, only on the direst cases, Lawndale's Public Library.

Once that was done they focused on 'Consumer Reports' and how they would explain to the stunt that the executives of the Mall of the Millennium have sprung on the not so unsuspecting students of Lawndale High.

"We have two choices, the first one is to write a small text of no more than a hundred and fifty words to the complains column, there it is almost sure that we will appear, but it is almost as certain that no many people will see it, plus the only way that your photos are going to be published is if one of their sponsors retires their publicity at last second and they need something to fill the space." Daria was back to her analytical and monotone self, still deeply embarrassed by being seen by Trent, but covering it up with surprising ease.

"Okay, so option one is that they let us talk and then be forgotten, plus I do have a nice spread of pictures that I would have to go to waste. So what's option numero dos?"

"Option two is to write an article aimed to their miscellaneous section." Daria then opened one of the magazines and pointed to one of those articles. "It would need to be between three and five pages, with your photos included to illustrate it. If published it would be remembered by the readers, and while it wouldn't affect the Mall bottom line itself I bet it would cause some grief to the geniuses that thought of doing an stealth marketing research. It would also be a long shot, the rest of the magazine is covered with comparisons and analysis of different products, and that means that probably got a backlog for that section going for moths, and we would be competing with professional writers."

"Then we have to choose between the boring and safe option that would be all but useless on the long run or the impossible one that can take some of the glory out of the Temple to Vanity?

At this point Jane put her hand on her chin and started stroking a nonexistent beard. "I'll say that I would prefer to aim for the top, if not we're going to be just going with the flow, and you know where that leaves?"

"Yes, the sewers." Daria couldn't help but to give her Mona Lisa smile.

Then once they had chosen a course of actions they started working on the article itself, with Daria mostly writing the article while Jane suggested different ideas over her friend's shoulder. They quickly decided on turning it into a satirical piece, since once they analyzed the incident from a more detached perspective it showed how ridiculous the whole matter truly was with the shopping expedition thinly veiled as an school trip, the incompetent marketing executives, greedy students, useless and shopping obsessed teacher and of course those few students who were able to see the truth, mostly Jodie, Jane and Daria. Not that the last three were saved from being mocked too since they all took in the end the bribes, even those who were supposed to be the most righteous ones.

Once the first draft was written they let it rest, they would need to search for mistakes as soon as the words weren't so fresh in their minds, and this time quality would be more important than speed, after all they would have to wait at least two months to see if the article was published or not.

Then next were the photos that Jane had shoot during the last two days and that now needed to be revealed, therefore following her father's teachings Jane prepared a Dark Room inside one of the house bathrooms. As she worked she started explaining in detail the reasons to use one chemical or another while in a corner of the room, since there was no point of being over Jane's shoulder in a place pitch black, Daria listened carefully to the exposition, she had used a dark room before when she had been part of Highland High's newspaper but she had never been explained the different process in such detail, being the daughter of a professional photographer meant that Jane learned a lot of little tricks by osmosis if nothing else.

The rest of the evening was expended watching reruns of Sick Sad World while eating hamburgers and fries, waiting for the time to leave to the party.

I II III IV*

Following Heather's instructions the girls' taxi took them to a middle class neighborhood in the opposite side of the city, where the college girls would gather to try to lift the spirits of their friend Paige Harris better known as the P.H. She was called that way both by the initials of her name and because when she entered school she wanted to complete a Doctorate in Philosophy only to discover that she had neither the talent, inclination or the necessary work ethic to become one. In due course the Ph.D. lost the D. In fact the only reason she was still in college at all was because she had more than enough disposable cash to virtually buy her title in 'collaborative works'. She was one of Daria's top clients, and that was one of the reasons they had been invited.

Her musings came to an end when they arrived to the house, and after paying the cab both girls went to the door and knocked, after waiting for a moment a blond girl opened and asked with a rude voice. "Yes, who is it"

"Strip dancers, we are offering a special promotion for parties, two for the price of one." Daria responded in a monotone that oddly enough sounded just as rude as the girl's previous tone despite the lack of inflexion.

"Look, get your boyfriends here and I could talk with them, now piss off." After saying that she closed the door in their faces.

Rolling her eyes Jane knocked once more, this time mimicking a rude tune, it didn't take long for the blonde to be back, more annoyed than before. "Just leave already, okay?"

Biting her tongue, Daria stopped the sarcastic remark that threatened to leave her lips and instead introduced properly. "Hi, I'm Daria, and this is my partner in crime Jane, I believe that we were invited by Heather." Upon recognizing the names the girl's whole demeanor changed, the scowl faded and was replaced with something that could pass for a warm smile… for a jackal. "Oh, you're Heather's ghost writers right? I'm Karla, come in, we're still missing three more including the gal with the broken heart that this little reunion is supposed to be for, but I can introduce you to the rest."

The tour wasn't too long; Karla took them to the living room and pointed to the two other women that were sitting down on the biggest of the three couches, with the radio providing background noise."Here they are, the black haired one with the cancer stick on her mouth is Ivy, a philosopher and our hostess for this evening, and the one that is sampling the beers is Angie. Hey girls, I present you Darla and Jane, the geniuses behind Heat's little side business." Ivy's response was to wave her hand without removing the cigarette from her mouth, while Angie carefully let her bottle on the table and stood to shake the hands of both girls.

As soon as her relationship with Heather was exposed the Angie's somewhat bored expression changed to a more calculating one that Daria usually saw only on some of the slimier clients of her mother's law firm. Daria couldn't help but compare both persons who shared the same name. 'Angela, just like our esteemed principal, and not in name only it seems.'

"Come on, have a seat, do you want a beer, or maybe something else, we got some Bailey's or maybe some tequila, plenty to choose from." Before sitting on the second couch Jane took a beer while Daria poured herself some Ultra Cola.

"So you are the ones that have been writing those papers for Heat? And you're what, seniors? You must be quite smart to get A+ on essays that are at least two years above your level."

"Well yes, we of superior brains are quite good at that kind of stuff, plus with such easy and boring classes at Oakville it's a good way to pass the time." Daria wasn't surprised that Jane had recognized the fishing expedition and had actively seeded disinformation; the pair of girls were almost as subtle as Kevin throwing innuendo at Brittany.

"I can say, the right to have a paper done by you is known to provoke fights amongst the students, you wouldn't believe the chaos that happens every week when Heat's little auction starts, did you know that she limits the number of works that she sends to you in order to keep the prices high?" Karla's voice did sound as if she was sharing her deepest secret with the high school sophomores.

"Oh god, you are kidding right?" The faux surprise on Daria's voice would have been hard-pressed to be believed by a five year old, but in this occasion it did work on the older university students, mostly because it was what they wanted to believe.

"Yes, she does sell a limited number of papers to the highest bidder at some ridiculous prices, and she lets the rest of the students be screwed by the teachers, especially the ones that already handed up one of your superior works and therefore when they can no longer afford to pay the professors are already used to a higher standard from them and they demand the same quality for all their work."

"Yes, when my sociology teacher saw the paper on Mass mentality that you wrote she told me that it had some of the best examples she had ever seen on the lack of thought in a big group." Ivy, who until now had been silently smoking was beaming when she remembered that, disrupting the picture that the other two were trying to paint for their targets.

"You know something else, for some reason Heat hates law students, she does not allow anyone to even tell them about your great service and she has even threatened to ban whoever tells them about this, as if they had no rights at all."

"How awful, why would she do that?" While Jane was doing her best effort at artful innocence Daria answered the question to herself. 'Maybe because she doesn't want the Mob getting their fingers on this?'

"Yeah horrible I know. That's why when we heard from Ivy that you were going to be here we came as well, so that we could tell you about it."

"Hey, you told me that you were worried about P.H.!" Ivy complained.

"That too…" She carelessly dismissed Ivy's complaints with a wave of her hand.

"But what can we do about it? I know; I'll talk with Heather as soon as she arrives and we'll see together if there's a way we can fix that." Her mushy answer provoked the desired effect on the college girls.

"Nooo!" Both of them cried in unison to Daria's proposal. Then regaining her wits Angie elaborated on her negative. "What I mean is that she might not like it, if you tell her she will tell you that she will change her ways but as soon as she's out of your sight she'll keep doing business as usual."

Karla then gave her solution. "What you should do is to find someone else to help you distribute your work, someone more honest and willing to give a second chance to people. You know who I'm talking about, right?"

"Of course I do, as soon as she arrives I will make P.H. our contact with the school, as far as I know there is no one as honest as her on the campus, and considering just how many times she has returned to her boyfriend she is always willing to give a chance to anyone, no matter the circumstances." It was so easy to yank their chains, barely any effort was needed at all.

"What, that scatterbrain loser? She was played like a fiddle by that manwhore boyfriend of hers. "

"Would you trust someone stupid enough to base her grades on the word of an ex? I mean, he told me once that the only reason he came back to her was because he wanted to see if she would fall again…"

While Ivy was getting angrier by the second by the insults so casually and carelessly thrown at her friend Daria hid a smile behind her drink; less than expected effort had been required to make the pair of harpies show their true colors; and for that last comment she was almost certain that Angie was one of the girls that P.H.'s boyfriend had been cheating with.

It was Jane who decided that they had said enough in front of Ivy to be banned from any similar gathering, and therefore had nothing more to gain from the crude comments, so she put the conversation once more in track. "So P.H. then is not our first option to help us, so woe unto us, who can help us deal with this problem?

'So woe unto us? Lane, never quit painting for acting school' Daria thought that was one of the fakest performances ever done, it was a true wonder that those greedy and stupid girls believed it at all, in fact she was sure that Ivy had already seen through it, but she didn't give a damn about Heather and right now she looked as if she wanted to kick those two out, so she would probably stay quiet.

"You're right, who can take that heavy weight on their shoulders?" Angie put on what only the most charitable critics could call a thoughtful face and then snapping her fingers answered her own question. "I know, Karla and I could be your contacts at Middleton, you know, find students in need for you to help them, and all that stuff." Daria mentally offered an apology to Jane, there was a worse actress in this room, and unlike either of them she wasn't doing it on purpose.

"We can sell your works to everyone who wants them for a fixed amount, say… twenty bucks, half for you and half for us, for expenses and such, and then we'll be able to help much more people with their grades on a day than Heat has on a month." Daria had to give it to them, they may have been the lousiest negotiators she had ever had the displeasure to meet, even Quinn at the young age of eight was better than that, but they were ambitious. They must have known that one of their papers could go as high as a hundred dollars if not higher and yet they were trying to sell the idea to them at a fifth of their value, and then get the half of that for themselves.

Getting tired of the clumsy attempts to cheat them, Daria's next question was not asked by the naïve girl that she had tried to simulate for the occasion, and her voice was full of her most cutting sarcasm. "So you want to pay us less than half of what we make on the simplest and smallest paper, and take half of it for expenses?" They were so lured by their greed that they ignored a tone of voice that would stop even Kevin in his tracks.

"Oh, that, don't worry about it, what you lost for each paper you'll get it back in the volume of sales." Jane, who until know had been reluctant to increase her workload at the cost of her art was not amused by the logic. "So we would need to work thrice as hard just to get even…"

The rest of Jane's reply was interrupted by the doorbell, and it was Ivy who decided to stand up and answer. "Thank god, it must be P.H., and maybe Heather. Wait a second, I'm going." Then while Ivy was gone Jane took the sketchbook she always carried to interesting places and wrote an address as she spoke. "Look, we need to talk about this without more interruptions, why don't we meet on Tuesday for a chat here at seven o'clock then we'll do business. Do you have a phone number? Please write it here. Now let's go to greet the guest of honor, okay."

As they went to the door Daria whispered a question. "Hey Jane, where did you send them?"

"To a really dirty bar in Oakville, one so bad that Trent had just one look at it and he kept me in the Tank, I can only wonder just how much of a cesspool it was that he refused any more gigs from there."

I II III IV*

When they arrived at the door they found that everyone was outside, with Heather alongside another girl who was hugging Ivy with far more zeal than an anaconda would do to its prey. At their side Heather was looking at Angie and Karla with calculated disinterest, while they looked back with a mix of open resentment and badly concealed smugness, probably thinking that they managed to steal the goose that laid the golden eggs from under her nose.

Paige had short black hair, was lanky and almost rail thin except for a slight bulge on her belly, a recent development courtesy of large amounts of ice cream, with her factions not quite leaving her teenage years behind and the little make-up on her face marred by tears. She could not have looked more different from the athletic and top heavy Brittany Taylor if she had tried, yet for some reason Daria couldn't stop herself from comparing her to Lawndale's head cheerleader in the way she was clinging to her friend with her emotions clear as water.

Finally noticing the rest of the guests she cheerfully greeted both of the incompetent entrepreneurs while behind her back Ivy darkly frowned; after the necessary pleasantries were exchanged it was their turn.

"Hi, who are you." While greeting them she seemed a little confused but was nice enough anyway.

With a little cutesy Jane responded with a lot of flair. "Jane, artiste extraordinaire at your disservice. And who are you?"

"Oh I'm Paige Harris, but everybody calls me P.H., nice to meet you." After that she shook her hand then turned towards Daria, looking at her with a puzzled expression.

"Daria, member of the secret guild of mysterious ghostwriters in bad standing, no need to bow." For a second P.H. looked even more confused but then her face illuminated and she gave her a heartfelt hug far more intense than the one given to Ivy. "It's you. It's you. Thanks, thanks, thanks…"

Now that she remembered Daria had already met her during the visit to Middleton; she had been taking to heart the suggestions of her boyfriend with religious zeal and of course the pearls of knowledge he would regale to her girlfriend, of dubious quality when he was joined at the hip with the girl, became far less accurate and a lot more malicious in its content each time they had a fight. By the third time they broke up her already bad scores get to the point where it was just a matter of time before she would flunk the year.

"…if it wasn't for you I would have flunked and my parents would have already tossed me to a pizza parlor or something…"

But then the sudden improvement on her schoolwork in the psychology and literature classes due to Daria's collaboration had raised her grades high enough to keep herself afloat for a while, and apparently that was enough to earn Daria her eternal gratitude, even if she had paid for the privilege just like everybody else, and for that reason she had asked Heather to invite her. 'Just like Brittany too, why do airheads believe that paying me for school favors in parties and hugs is better than cold, hard cash?'

"…and I don't know how to thank you."

While giving her spiel P.H. had been hugging Daria hard enough so that she was feeling a little tender, just like a boneless chicken, and was now working her way to becoming mincemeat so she started to disentangle herself. "Look, don't worry about it, for every occasion that I did something for you, you paid the price, so we're even, no need for further payments? So why don't we go inside, okay?

P.H. gave her one last squeeze before finally letting go, going for the door with Heather and the sophomores' right behind them. When Angie and Karla were about to go inside Ivy stopped them.

"Why don't we have a little chat?"

"Umm, Ivy if this is about what we were discussing with those little brains…" Ivy didn't let her finish before saying her piece.

"I don't care how Heather gets me the papers for sociology, as long as I get them I'm happy; but P.H. is my friend and while she is your friend, I don't think that you're her friend, and this party was planned to raise her spirits, not for gloating about cheating on her with that douchebag of a boyfriend."

"Look, it was a joke, something funny for the…" She was interrupted by Ivy once more.

"I don't see it as funny at all. This is what you're gonna do, you'll turn around and take the first taxi out of here or I'll kick both your asses out of my house." Before they had a chance to respond she turned around and entered, closing the door in their faces.

I II III IV*

"Where are Angie and Karla?" Those were the first words that P.H. uttered when Ivy got back to the living room alone.

"They had to leave, a second engagement. They could only stay here until you arrived, then they had to leave."

"Oh, how bad, I hope they arrive to their meeting in time."

"I hope so too," she then muttered, "they're missing a couple bitches at the dog pound." Once again talking to P.H. she asked, "Hey how was your morning, had fun?"

While both of them were talking Heather went with her business associates to talk shop.

"Sorry for those two, I should have guessed that P.H. would blab about you being here to all her acquaintances and that sooner or later someone would try something."

"Nah, don't sweat about it, their combined I.Q. was at some point between our school's QB and a particularly immature chimpanzee, the sad thing is that they think we were dancing to their tune, by the way if they ask we're from Oakville. Only problem would be if they decide to tell the school about you."

"Oh, they're stupid, and I'll have a chat with them when we go back to school, but I got enough dirt on them to keep their mouths closed, plus some of the papers they handed up are yours."

"Just one thing, they told us that you were unfair 'cause you didn't allow the guys at Law school to know about us, and I don't know if they were serious or it was just one more hook for us. But one of the things Dar told me is just how deep they are with Lawndale's Little Italy, and if those two try to outwit them just like they tried with us..."

"…Then we might have real trouble. Unlike them, Dinozzo's boys are as sharp as they get, and they are just as greedy. I guess I won't be able to yank their chain as much as I liked before I get serious with them. Thanks for the heads up"

Then they heard the doorbell for a third time, "I'll better go an open the door."

Finally the last missing guest had arrived, a Hispanic girl who seemed to be full of energy, "Sorry I'm late, that idiot Michael took his sweet time replacing me at the store for the graveyard shift.

Then finally locating her target she went and hugged P.H. with enough impetus to almost bring both down to the ground. "Hey, P.H., how're you eh? Feeling better now that two timing jerk is finally out of your life? Her slight nod didn't seem to convince her of the truth of the statement, the tearful eyes didn't help either.

Deciding not to confront her answer, she left her backpack on the ground and then greeted Ivy with almost as much enthusiasm. If P.H. could be considered a more sedated, and currently depressed, version of Brittany, then this one was just as lively as Lawndale's cheerleader but wittier and far shrewder; and right now she was searching for new targets.

"Hey, I'm Alicia, you can call me Alicia, because I hate when people call me Alice, who do they think I am?, a bottle blonde with blue eyes who goes by the world eating and drinking anything that says 'Eat me'."

"So I guess that nor do you go chasing after old white workaholic men who are having an affair with their clock." She looked stunned for a second before laughing at the joke, "That's a new one; so who are you?

"Daria, and this is my loyal minion Jane."

"Here, a shame that you're not that kind of girl, I always wanted to know if there was a trick to painting white roses red, I tried it once and the all died of lead poisoning, my brother Winter even took it as a sign that even nature was telling him that his life was dark and miserable, I just took it as a signal to change to acrylics."

"Sorry, no idea. Now that we're all here why don't we sit down, and find something to do, the Club isn't opening for a couple of hours and I want to get up to date. Hey Daria, do you want a cold beer."

Taking one bottle of beer for herself Daria took a seat at the table in the dinning room between Jane and Heather, while Alicia and Ivy flanked P.H.

Determining that this time the ghost of P.H.'s last boyfriend must be exorcised once and for all, at some point Heather got an album from her stuff and with the help of a pair of scissors began the traditional removal of him from the photos with the help of the rest of the guests.

"And this is when the whole class went to a picnic and he just stood there, holding my hand while carrying the cooler in the other one… Waaah." Regrettably due to the gentle nature of P.H. they had been unable to get her in the spirit of the whole exercise, in other words to enjoy destroying her ex in effigy; instead she couldn't help but to remember the best times with the douchebag. Ivy was about to stop the whole thing before it did more damage than good when Daria took said photo and neatly cut his head, but leaving the rest of the body intact.

"What do you think?" She asked while positioning said head where the cooler was, "do you think that he was about to play football with his head? Not that it's of much use for anything else." Her monotone gave to all present the impression that the question was a serious one, yet at the same time it was ridiculous.

Jane who was watching the picture carefully disagreed "No, no, no, that's not the way to do it," she said while looking through the pile of scraps already removed, "It's not the correct head for that," then finding a photo where he was formally dressed she took it out and started cutting. "Here, this one. With all the stuff he put on his hair he looks more like a ball, all round and shiny."

"It does, doesn't it?" P.H. commented, her previous sobs intermingled with a giggle or two. Spurred on by their success Alicia then said, "But this hole where his head used to be doesn't suit him, Ivy do you have some magazines you don't care about, something with a lot of apes, maybe?

"I'll see what I can find.

"Don't forget the glue."

"Also bring some duct tape, and glitter if you have any."

I II III IV*

The fun continued for a while, even after running out of photos to alter Jane took her sketchbook and did fast drawings of the guy in question being humiliated in many different ways, at the beginning using Daria's and Alicia's suggestions, but with a little prodding P.H. gave her own ideas, a few which were surprisingly vicious.

"So I guess that you are feeling better now."

During the last hour she had being moping less and less, and right now she looked sunnier and just happier. "I think I am, I mean, this is the most fun I've had in a while, not even when I was with him did I laugh so hard."

"Never knew what you saw in him."

Not realizing that the question was rhetorical P.H. answered. "Well he is one hell of a kisser, and the things he could do with his hands were just divine…"

It was Alicia that interrupted her before she could go any further with her description, "Then, I guess that I have the perfect substitute for him." She stood up and went for her backpack, and then unloaded it on the table. The eyes of everyone boggled in a comical manner and P.H. squealed in surprise when they realized just what all the things were.

Toys, adult toys to be precise, nearly a dozen of them in different sizes, forms and colors, all of them being arranged by Alicia in front of P.H. while Heather was bumping her head on the table, and her two guests were valiantly trying to keep their faces straight even if their faces were red as tomatoes already.

"Since at the store they're a little bit short on cash this month, they offered to pay me in surplus merchandize, and because I'm a noble and charitable soul I decided to share the wealth, just remember that batteries are not included. So take your pick, you first P.H., I now that your nights are lonely and I bet here is a more than adequate replacement for him."

With her face burning P.H. raised her head and then with slow and deliberate movements carefully checked each toy, until deciding on one. Then with a firm voice quite unlike the meek tone she had been using the whole evening said. "This one will do, it will not stop until I'm ready to stop…" a cheer from the rest of the girls followed, "…it will not ask for a second wind that won't come…" a second cheer, "…and I'm sure that even if it fell in the WC it still will be in a better place than wherever his is right now."

Ivy then raised her beer and proposed"So that we never know where he will get all those lovely STD's.

"Cheers!"

Alicia then looked at the two youngest girls on the table. "Now that P.H. got her toy it is time for the rest, you are minors aren't you and therefore you can't get inside an adult store for at least a couple of years, so why don't you choose first, you can then keep them, it's not as I don't get an employee discount. Just a friendly word of advice: if you have little brothers, then don't hide those in your sock drawer."

Jane boldly selected a huge purple toy for which she had a dozen ideas already, and she decided to tease her friend with one of those, forgetting the incident of the morning thanks to the relaxed setting and the beers she had consumed. "Maybe I can make a natural size straw mannequin and add this for realism, what do you think Daria? Do I use Trent's clothes and add a goatee?"

Before Daria could say anything to her, P.H. interceded. "Umm, I think that you might be a little too ambitious, I mean I'm sure than your boyfriend Trent is… big. But maybe you should try something a little smaller." Then she displayed her thumb and index an inch apart.

"What… No, Trent is my brother…"

She was interrupted mid-explanation by Ivy. "Your brother? Kinky, but I guess than then you do know if it is the correct size after all." That was followed by laughter from everybody.

Speechless, mollified and now deeply blushing by the implications even more than her friend had that morning Jane then took a smaller, more discreet toy for her personal use, letting the purple one back on the table without a word. Daria, already under the influence of the alcohol, did away with her stoic image for a moment and laughed at her friend's expression so hard that not even falling from her chair stopped it.

I II III IV*

"Why does everyone here pick dare?" Jane asked as she sipped from her beer.

Once they had selected, amongst lot of teasing of course, their toys, the girls decided on a game of Truth or Dare to pass the remaining hour before the Club became full enough to be entertaining. The last hour had passed with a high amount of silliness as outrageous dares had been invoked, many of them demanding the use of the recently acquired toys in ways they hadn't been designed for, and yet surprisingly few had chosen Truth over dare.

"Simple, with a Dare then you just have to do it, it isn't your choice, but to tell a truth that needs for one to be open, and that's scary." Daria's response was as biting as she ever got.

"Hurray for the cowards," chanted Ivy, as she passed to Heather the purple dildo that they had been using as a faux microphone to announce the corresponding challenge.

Heather was annoyed with Daria's attitude towards the game, and the extremely hard dares she invoked so she decided to make her eat her words. "Well Miss Brave, then I guess that for this turn you'll choose truth; You need to tell us how you lost your virginity, and if you haven't lost it yet, the closest you ever got, and this isn't a Yes or No answer, you must tell all the juicy details."

Daria pondered for a moment what to answer, after all some rather pointed questions would surely follow, uncomfortable ones at that, but then she just drunk the rest of her own beer and boosted by liquid courage she started talking on a controlled tone of voice that somehow sounded different, more tense, than her habitual monotone. "It was on the summer before entering high school, during a party on a house on the worse side of Highland, it was the 'seven minutes of heaven' segment of the evening and chance got me with a pothead four years my senior, not that it mattered since the moron had been kicked out of school already. We did the usual kissing and groping, and let me tell you the jerk wasn't delicate at all, so when it started to hurt I told him to stop, something quite naïve I know, and when he didn't stop I pushed him back. He didn't take it well and since I was on the wrong side of the closet I couldn't get out before he recovered and grabbed me, this time going for the skirt. Never been so glad of having my keys at hand, with my underwear halfway to my knees he wasn't expecting to get a face full of those, and neither did he expect my knee in his groin nor the couple of kicks that followed once he was on the floor. After that I just waited for the guys outside to open after the seven minutes were over and then walked away."

As cliché as it sounded if not for the radio sounding in the background you could have heard a pin drop in the following silence, Jane was particularly shocked she hadn't even suspected something like that even happened, Daria had never given any signs about it. But then she remembered the party at Brittany's and how when facing the Three J's she had been gripping her keys in her hand, that time she had thought nothing of it, but now that she was aware of this latest piece of information, that incident took on a new and disturbing light.

Heather looked really guilty for the question she asked, "Shit, sorry Daria I didn't…" before she could end the sentence Daria interrupted, "Don't be, I walked away with nothing more than a few bruises, on the other hand he was carried away with a hole on his cheek and unable to pass his genes to the next generation. Now can you pass me Jane's best friend? I believe it's my turn."

Once she had the toy in her hand she pointed it towards P.H. and started, "Well P.H. it's almost time for us to leave for the club, so here is what you need to do, once we are there you'll pick one guy, the Dare is to go and make out with him, at least second base, but whatever you feel comfortable with. The Truth will be to find one guy and talk with him about anything, but it must be with him, bilateral. Since it's not a standard challenge you get until midnight to do so, and there are not going to be any penalties if you can't."

Saying that she rose from her seat, leaving the toy on the table, and went searching for her green jacket that she had removed at some point during the evening, while the rest of the girls were still stunned by her revelation and her following challenge, but then it was Ivy who followed after her.

"Okay, why did you say that to P.H.?"

"Simple, I think that she needs to get back in the saddle, and if she does it now you're going to be keeping an eye on her, so probably it's the best moment to try."

"I guess that you're right."

I II III IV*

The Club was only a few blocks away from Ivy's home, close enough to walk there without problems, it was not surprising that both Jane and Daria were used to far seedier places than this one, as far as Daria was concerned there weren't any nice places in Highland and Jane, thanks to her brother's band, had considered for a long time that the Zon was a classy place, and unlike the Zon the blue and red building was well maintained, and it even had the emergency exits unblocked.

The main entrance was manned by a bouncer, a slight man in a blue suit and matching black glasses, who stopped the group before they could enter.

"Stop, can you show me an I.D."

"Sorry I left mine in the retirement home alongside my walking stick and my dentures.

"Ha, ha, at least you're not one of those kids who try to pass me with a photocopied fake, please lend me your left hand." Then he put a plastic yellow band on their wrist. "Here, these are for designated drivers, you're not allowed alcoholic beverages, but you can have as much Ultra cola as you want. Get in."

The rest of the night was unremarkable, most of the guys there were old and sensible enough to stay away from the jailbait they were, and the few that weren't redirected their attention towards Alicia and Heather, who in turn passed on to Jane and Daria their own drinks. The only event of note was how P.H. answered the challenge first talking to one of the guys there, and after an hour or so getting the dare done too.

I II III IV*

It was a little after one when the cab parked in front of Casa Lane, from it two slightly tipsy teens came out, the one with the black hair laughing, while the brunette paid.

"Don't worry about making sound Dar, even if Trent's at home, we would need to operate heavy machinery to wake him up, and even if for some miracle he's awake he won't care about us arriving late, as far as he's concerned it is still to early for a good rave."

"I know that, it's just such a novel experience not having to sneak back from a party that I'm still not used to it."

After that they went to Jane's room, on the way Daria realized that indeed Trent wasn't at home, luckily for them they had the sleeping bag for Daria already out and unrolled. They only needed to change into their pajamas which they did without caring that the other was in the room, and then fell asleep.

I II III IV*

Sunday morning Jane woke up late, feeling stiff and with a mild hangover she didn't pay any mind to. While she didn't drink as often as any other member of her family, unlike virtually any other artist her art suffered when she was under the influence, she did learn how to drink a long time ago, and the effects on her were negligible.

The sounds of soft breathing drew her attention to the floor where Daria was sleeping like the dead. Right now the last thing she thought possible was that Daria was almost a victim of rape. And the worst was that it was too easy to dismiss that claim even when hearing it from her mouth. She simply didn't fit at all with the profile of a victim, she wasn't scared of men or intimacy at all, nor was she aggressive like say Miss Barch, in fact until now the most she had reacted to a man was the mild irritation that Kevin caused, and that was the universal reaction to his stupidity…

…No that wasn't right, during Brittany's party she had been quite aggressive in the way that she chilled the Three J's, more than that, she had treated them as a danger, not only holding her keys as a weapon, but when she threatened them there had been none of the subtlety that characterized her regular threats, just a very direct ultimatum followed by a mad race to get all of them, sister included, out of the house as soon and as far as possible.

All this was giving her a headache, Daria had already one of the most complex personalities she had ever meet, and that was without taking account of this whole mess. She was tempted to go for a run, just to clean the cobwebs out of her head, but she didn't want to leave Daria alone. Yesterday they had touched on some really delicate issues, and she didn't know how affected Daria was, nor how she would react now that there had been some time to think about it.

"I need coffee!"

I II III IV*

The penetrating smell of caffeine woke Daria a little bit later, she was thirsty but in surprisingly good health after what was for her a large quantity of beer. Maybe the analgesic and the Dramamine were good for something beyond making her period more tolerable, she wasn't suffering as much as the last New Year's party when she had some of Granma Ruth's special eggnog; or maybe it was the fact that three bottles of beer and a shot of tequila hardly contained as much alcohol as half a glass of that vile concoction.

Attracted by the promise of coffee, which was weird since she preferred cocoa as a hot beverage, she struggled for a moment to get out of the sleeping bag, and another few second to explore the room in search for her glasses. Once she was able to see more than the average bat she realized that Jane was out of her bed, and therefore probably down the stairs on the kitchen.

Jane was indeed in the kitchen, and in her hands were two cups of probably the most delicious coffee she had ever seen, smell or taste, it was thick Turkish stuff, boiled with the sugar in it. Hot as hell, black as the devil, sweet as a stolen kiss, a brew that could raise the dead. Taking the offered cup she blew softly at it before taking a sip. While a moan escaped her lips at the taste, the influx of caffeine making her heart go faster, removing the last vestiges of tiredness.

It took a while before Jane could gather enough courage to address the elephant in the room, "Do you want to talk about yesterday?"

"No, not really, but it would be better than to let this stew. So what do you want to know?"

Jane didn't hesitated, "Are you alright?"

"I did omit that when I was out of sight of the house I started shaking like a leaf, or forget to mention just how weak and paranoid I felt during that week, but at the end I just finally realized that it was just a natural consequence of my acts, so I bought a pair of Doc Martens to better kick someone and added the two most serrated and sharp keys I could find to my keychain, and by the next weekend it was as if nothing had happened at all."

"Daria, that wasn't your fault in any way!" Daria was calm, drinking her coffee like it wasn't a big deal, and that unnerved Jane more than she cared to admit. "No, it wasn't my fault, but in a sense it was what I was looking for when I started going to places like that and getting physical with total strangers."

Seeing Jane's horrified expression Daria decided to elaborate, "Remember what I told you about Beavis and Butthead?

"The town idiots, yeah. But what do they have to do with this? Did those bastards try something?"

"No, and that's the root of my problem." She then took a deep breath to gather courage and started talking. "When I met them I thought just like everybody else that those two were nothing more and nothing less than oversexed and underbrained idiots of the highest order, with the greatest worry in their lives being to criticize the latest metal video on MTV. Initially I became an acquaintance of theirs to get two willing puppets for free, but that changed once they started lusting after my twelve year old sister."

"I don't really blame them for that, after all they were little more than hormones with legs at that point in time, I had seen them humping a store mannequin once, but then I realized that unlike my sister, mannequins, many magazines (few of them even lewd), and virtually every living being with two X chromosomes including dogs and some animals on National Geographic I wasn't considered a chick."

Jane was surprised to see tears of impotent rage forming in her friend's eyes, while she was squeezing her cup as if wanting to choke it. "For a while I considered getting revenge for all their comments where I didn't even rate as a bitch; and it would have been easy to talk those two morons into opening the gas valve in their kitchen and then lightning a match, but in the end I remembered a piece of advice I read once in my favorite book…

The bitterness in Daria's voice rose to almost tangible levels. "…'You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view, until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it', and when I did just that, and started considering their comments from their point of view I realized that they were too stupid to be malicious, and they sincerely didn't see anything in me that would qualify Diarrhea as a girl in their eyes. Hell, they thought they were letting me down gently. I had heard some bad things before from the people from the school, but on those occasions I was able to dismiss them as the usual ramblings of the popular crowd. This time however I had to come to terms with the fact that I was, for the lack of a better word, undesirable"

Pausing for a second to remove the tears that had escaped from her eyes, she continued, while Jane listened intently. "I did try to get some help from my parents, without saying out loud why of course, but Dad has always seen me as the most precious girl in the world, so I couldn't even ask, and mom did recommend for me to change my clothes, and tried to teach me how to use make up, alongside a few comments about being more sociable, but in the end I didn't want to change myself just to attract the most disgusting boys in all the school. So what is my brilliant idea to get over it? I accepted the open invitation that the seniors did for one of those wild graduation parties where they toss the juniors like me as virtual slaves and cheap entertainment. My first kiss was taken from me in a closet by a tube of lard with chronic halitosis who couldn't get a date with anyone in school, but as far as I was concerned a guy wasn't repulsed by me, and I didn't have to change either my looks nor my personality to do so."

"So I went and searched for more parties like the last one, and since at that point in time Quinn was starting to get invited to the parties of other schools, of my school to be precise, I had to go to places where she wouldn't be, and that meant going to raves and parties in the worst part of Highland. I did take some precautions, never drinking or smoking anything, not getting myself entangled with some of the rowdiest groups, and always being in the more populated parts, never alone."

"Even then with those precautions and my so vaunted intellect I was almost raped by a guy who had trouble reading the Sunday funnies, and you know what? The sickest part of it is that when I stopped freaking out I thought that a man older than me, who in one way or another could get someone to get laid without problems, desired my body hard enough to try to take it by force… What a way to get an ego boost, eh? So the next weekend I tried to find a new party to crash and a new guy to make out with, just using jeans rather than skirts. Can I have another cup?"

While Jane poured more of her sweet coffee, Daria continued, "It took over a year before I settled down. Even with the fact that both mom and dad were working themselves into the ground and Quinn was far more self centered than she is now it is a miracle that they never realized how often I sneaked to places that were slightly above crack houses. In time I learned to accept that my body didn't really matter that much, but by then I found out that a make out session is good for my nerves, so I kept it up until now, although at a more sedated pace."

Jane felt herself lost; she had always wondered why Daria, who wasn't the most sociable person in the world, would go out of her way to find guys at the other parties they had gone to. Until now she had just assumed that she was the kind of girl who worked hard and partied even harder. Now she found herself with two options, to stay quiet and hope that this whole mess would disappear on its own or…"

She rose from her seat and went to Daria, and careful not to tip her cup she hugged her. "I didn't want to open old wounds Dar, and I'm sorry. But is there any way, any way at all, I can help you?" And now she felt both useless and lame, while she prayed to whatever gods her dysfunctional family didn't pray to, that she didn't make an even bigger and nastier mess.

Daria basked in her friend's embrace, for her it was an experience she hadn't enjoyed since she had complained to her parents about being too old for those one time too many. "Don't worry about it, this particular wound scarred over a long time ago, it's quite ugly, but tucked in a place well out of sight. I know it's messed up; I know I'm messed up, but I've survived until now, and I won't break just like that. Plus you've already helped a lot. I never had fun at a party, and I mean real fun not glorified pity sessions, before meeting you, and that's worth more than gold for me."

Their touching little moment came to an end when Jane's stomach made itself known with a growl worthy of a lion. "I think it's time we wrap this up and feed the beast, I don't want to be eaten by accident; don't you agree Lane?"

"Ha, ha, ha. Let's see what we got on the menu for today. Umm, we got about three eggs, half a gallon of milk, children's cereal minus the toy… Wait, for the love of god don't touch that fridge if you want to live!"

"What's wrong, haven't you got enough time to move the bodies to a cooler in the garage?"

"The only bodies we would find there if you open that door would be ours, that thing is a biological hazard worse than that Motel for Cockroaches at Sick, Sad World."

"Okay, I call bullshit on that one, I know that neither you nor Trent aren't the most clean conscious people, but I can't believe that one."

"Would you be willing to put money where your mouth is? Say, ten bucks?"

"You're on."

Without more preamble Jane opened the door of the fridge while being careful enough to stay apart the whole time and to shield herself with the door from the rest of the appliance. Daria recoiled in horror at the sight before her; the walls were green with mold of different colors growing up from the few pieces of Tupperware inside, for a moment she thought she saw the green stuff pulsating, like a heartbeat. While Daria was mesmerized with the terrible visage an internal fan turned itself with a tortured howl, this sound was the one that broke whatever remaining resolve Daria had.

"Close it! Close it!" Once Jane had securely closed the door Daria conceded. "You win; I'll give you your money after breakfast, as well as a heartfelt apology for not believing you. Do you like your eggs fried?, because there's no way in hell that I'll allow you to touch anything in this kitchen until you wash your hands at least a dozen times. I don't want to die of Cholera or Ebola or any other undiscovered infectious disease that is growing there."

After a simple but fulfilling breakfast of fried eggs, milk and a half a banana each, it was time to decide their next step.

"Around here the Water Heater is a little spotty; right now we might have enough water for a quick shower, after that we need to give it at least half an hour before it's ready for a second person. Oh, and if you value the life of the person in the shower don't flush the WC."

"Okay, why don't you go out and run your lap over the neighborhood while I take the first turn?"

"What Morgendorffer, are you trying to get rid of me so you can have the house and shower all for yourself?"

"Why, yes of course I do, but as I saw how you were looking at the door, I guess that after the morning chat we had you would need a chance to process it all."

"You know me so well. Good, give me a minute to change myself into something more appropriate and I'll be out of your hair for an hour. Oh, and before I forget, before you use the shampoo smell the bottle, dad sometimes fill those with chemicals for photo developing, Wind spent half a year bald, I guess that's why he became so emotional." A minute later she crossed the door in her trusty pants and sneakers.

With Jane gone Daria took a few minutes to clean the kitchen and do the dishes, a task that she would often try to worm her way out in her own house, but the difference was that she wanted to be invited here again, and that meant being a good guest. However she gave a wide berth to the fridge, a good guest wasn't a suicidal one.

Once she was done with the kitchen she went to Jane's room for her clothes, once there she took the sleeping bag and rolled it back for storage. After putting it away she went and picked up the clothes from both girls that they had left all around the room, then under Jane's red jacket she found the vibrator that she had been given yesterday, thankfully for her sanity still in its original package. Quickly checking her duffel bag she found that she had kept enough of her wits to store it there while getting her pajamas, not that Jane would joke about it, not when she could counter with her little purple friend.

Thinking for a moment about what to do with Jane's toy she thought for a second to use it for a joke, but that would have been too simple, and she hadn't forgotten the Swimsuit incident yet, and that one would need something more elaborate. So in the end she just made her bed and put the toy under the pillow so that she would feel it as soon as she lay down on it.

Once that was done she took her clean clothes and went to the bathroom for the hot shower she was in almost desperate need for. It was indeed shorter than she would have liked with the water going from steamy to hot to lukewarm in a too small amount of time. When she was done she dressed herself and went to Jane's room to watch TV.

I II III IV*

Just as promised Jane arrived after one hour having done her usual route, sweaty and with her thoughts a little more organized even if she couldn't completely relax with the problem on hand, and in the meanwhile meditating over the revelations that her friend had entrusted to her.

And here the operative word was trust, she doubted that Daria had told this to anyone, not even her family had the slightest idea of exactly what was going on with her, and if she was honest with herself she wouldn't have noticed anything if Daria hadn't told them about her close brush during the 'Truth or Dare' game, and she suspected that the PMS she had been suffering during the week and the subsequent visit to the doc, even the joke she did on her, had helped to loosen her tongue. What she did know for sure was that she had been holding it in for years, suffering in silence for years, and that was far too unhealthy.

If she did something to betray her trust then Daria would close off like a clam and who knows what would happen then. The only thing that she knew for sure she could do was to keep an eye on her while subtly, and she wasn't too good at subtlety, encouraging her to talk. 'Oh, and having fun, she did say that it helps, plus it does fit with my own plans for high school.'

Maybe it would be good to lay off the teasing about Trent. Or not, she does have a serious crush on him, and that seems to be a huge difference with the rest of the guys she had been dealing with before, she does blush more when Trent calls her cool than when she did make out with Chin-man. 'Chin-man? Daria is right, I'll need to leave the name calling to her' Jane thought.

Smelling herself she realized that she was officially stinking both from the booze from yesterday and the sweat of the morning, and that meant that a hot steamy bath was just what she needed to both improve her aroma, and to just relax, in body and maybe in spirit.

She went straight to her room for her clothes, and it was a fine surprise that her bed was already made and the clothes that she was sure would be littering the floor were missing. What was not so rare was finding Daria in front of her TV watching one of those old movies she enjoyed so much.

"Hey! Where is my room?"

"Oh, I just cleaned up after myself, and since it's hard to do so and not to find your stuff intermingled with mine I throw the dirty laundry to the basket in the bathroom, or in the case of your jacket on a hanger in the closet. And since I bathed myself forty minutes ago the water should be hot enough for you."

"Thank you." She gave Daria a quick glomp, and retracted before she could say anything. One of the things she had deemed necessary to help her friend was to increase the amount of positive physical contact, on a half baked theory that it would be better for her to get used to those.

Picking up the clothes for the day she went and took her hot shower, and then after she was clean and squeaky returned to her room, to sit alongside Daria for the end of the movie.

The rest of the morning was expend first printing the negatives they had developed yesterday in the afternoon on photographic paper, this time with Daria close by to see the process under the red light. Then when that was done, and one set of photos for the article to the Consumer Reports' magazine, while the rest of the pictures from the excursion were discussed and criticized in depth, including the ones Jane had taken of the Fashion Club in general and Daria's sister in particular, those she gave to Daria for her personal use.

Since they had a limited amount of time before Helen came to pick up Daria for a family meal, they decided not to do anything school related and just spend the time talking about nothing in particular. When Helen finally parked in front of the house with the rest of the family she gave Daria a final hug and walked her to the car.

"See you on Monday amiga."

I II III IV*

The Morgendorffer family went to a restaurant called Malenz, unlike other places with weird names like Chez Pierre, Malenz was a small family restaurant with only about ten tables, owned by a couple of retired chefs who had pooled their money to have a calm place where they could still cook as much as they wanted but without the pressure of a big and expensive restaurant. The end result was a small place with tasteful European décor, minimal fuss, and a menu of five different dishes, plus desserts, which changed every day.

Since they had expended all remaining topics of conversation in the last two meals, at one of which she wasn't even present, all of the attention fell on Daria, who was first asked once more by her father about Friday's trip, and just as fast having the question deflected by her mom. Therefore most of the questions were about her day with Jane.

Daria was a little worried about that; her mother due to her profession was someone with a finely tuned bullshit detector, an ability that had been the bane of both her daughters until they had developed lying skills that were almost as good as a career politician, and even then she caught most of the outright lies so they were mostly limited to misdirection when dealing with her.

"The first hours there we spent doing the homework for the week, mostly laying the groundwork for finishing it later.

'Of course most of that homework is not related to our school' Daria added to herself.

"What a geek."

"Quinn, shut up. Maybe you should acquire some of your sister's habits."

"Not such a big deal, Jane and I share most of our classes, and this way I'll know if she is going to need help with something. After a while we grew bored anyway so we turned the computer off and watched a few episodes of Sick, Sad World."

"Then there was this interesting case where a couple of stupid con artists conned themselves to be thrown out of town the dirtiest pit they could find, almost without help."

"You hear that Helen, the things that they write for TV now, conning themselves out of town. Ha."

"It's a true story dad."

"Yes dear."

"Well after that we saw snippets of one of those stories were a girl is betrayed by her one true love and her heart is broken into a million or so pieces, since that was too sappy for us we instead took some photos and started cutting heads and adding animal pieces to them."

"The photos of whom Daria?"

"A random jerk. Don't worry I didn't raid either the family nor the school album again mom, I was seven, I can't still be held to that."

"I'll hold you to that for as long as I believe is necessary."

"Okay, After that we got some toys for later, and we did show and tell and a lot of silly things I don't plan to elaborate on, we were awake a little after midnight."

"So you had fun kiddo?

"Lots."

"Good to know, here's the food."

Then they concentrated on the meal, and the further conversations were inconsequential but relaxing.

I II III IV*

Later in the afternoon Daria approached the couch in the living room where her father was watching the football game on the Pigskin Channel with a notebook and a folder full of receipts, invoices, and miscellaneous documents from Café Lawndale. "Dad, can I speak with you?"

Without turning from the TV he answered, "What do you want Kiddo?"

"Two things, Jane bought a printer last Friday, and since she doesn't need the invoice I asked her to write it on your name, and I was wondering if you would pay her for the taxes?"

"No problem, I'd rather pay 20 bucks to your friend that a cent to the Man, and… What are you doing! What's that in your hands!"

"The second thing is that I need your help with a problem I have with the coffee house I'm working for." As soon as she said that she presented him with the notebook.

Muting the TV he took the offered notebook and leafed quickly through it. "This whole thing is a mess, I can't see the where one thing starts and the other ends. What exactly is the problem here?"

"Well, it seems that the teacher who is in charge of the coffee house lacks what could be called business acumen, and due to many different reasons he can't hire a professional accountant on his authority, so in the end he hired me to get this done right, so I was wondering if you know someone that could do the books."

Turning off the TV her father left his couch and headed towards the stairs. "Wait a second Kiddo, why don't you put your stuff in the kitchen, I'll be back in a jiffy."

While Daria did as told and spread out the mess that was O'Neill's attempt at bookkeeping, even after her own efforts of ordering those on Thursday, Jake came back with his date book, a calculator and some pencils and pens.

"Okay kiddo, I know one accountant who specializes in small businesses with less than fifty employees, and your coffee house surely qualifies. She bills on the volume of papers she has to process by month, charging extra for the annual income tax return. Here, this is a list of her prices."

As she examined the document, she asked, "Why do you have a list of prices of an accountant dad?"

"I got a list of prices of all my clients, it is a necessity for someone in publicity like me, it helps me target the right market for their products; in her specific case I refer her to other clients in need of her services just like you."

Then suddenly Daria sighed, "Damn, it surpasses my budget, I'll have to ask O'Neill for additional funds."

"How much do you have in your budget?" Daria told him. "Well, that's not too much but it fits in the lower end of her fees."

"Yes but the volume of work for Café Lawndale is well above the threshold."

"I'm assuming that you mean all those receipts on the table, isn't it?"

"Yes."

"Then there is no problem, you just need to present those already itemized and ordered and she will just do the calculations, for people like that with a minimal staff, time is money. And in this case less time sorting through papers is a weight off her shoulders."

"Okay, so I need to sort this mess to be eligible for the poor woman fee, Dad could you help me?"

"Yes I can, but on one condition."

"Name your price."

"Could you tell me how you did on Friday's excursion? Every time I want to ask something comes up."

"Of course, I hope that you have a stronger stomach than me."

During the next two hours father and daughter went through the papers, sorting the income and the expenses, checking which of the invoices were deductible and which weren't, and teaching Daria how to pay those that weren't with undeclared money, so they could save money from the IRS. Meanwhile Daria told her dad an edited but surprisingly positive version of Friday and Saturday, which was more than enough payment for Jake. After a while they fell into a rhythm in which Daria sorted the papers and then wrote a summary in the notebook, while Jake checked the finished work, correcting here and there as necessary, all that in a comfortable silence.

In the end they had trimmed enough so that as long as Café Lawndale didn't increase its paperwork too much it would pay the minimum fee to the accountant. In fact they trimmed so much that Daria once more had the planned extra money for herself in the form of the salary and large bonus she had negotiated with O'Neill.

While her father went back to his couch for a well earned rest Daria started planning. If she presented the price list to O'Neill and pointed the amount of unfiltered paperwork that the coffee house generated per month then he would be forced to give her a higher fee. Upon realizing how much she could get out of this little side business she couldn't help the predatory smile that blossomed in her face. But then she remembered part of Friday's fight with Quinn. 'Get real, everyone knows that O'Neill is under your thumb, he got you out of the esteem class, did that weird assembly for you and your freaky friend to play with, he let you run the coffeehouse however you want…'

'Quinn got it right, now I'm thinking of new ways of screwing him over, I'm abusing O'Neill's trust, and while he is a dope, he hasn't done anything to deserve this, at least not on purpose.'

"What the hell, on Monday I'll present him with the real fee and then I'll ask for a proper salary, not the overblown one, but a normal reasonable amount." She said that loud jut to cement the decision on her own mind.

Having decided on a course that would keep her conscience a little less tarnished, Daria cleared the kitchen table from her stuff and turned the lights off. She would need to talk to Quinn later, and while she hated to admit it she would need to listen to what she had to say.

I II III IV*

Dinner was a simple affair since they had a fulfilling meal and had expended half the day together so there weren't any more topics to discuss between each other; Jake and Helen just prepared coffee for themselves and cocoa for the girls and after that the parents went to the living room to watch the news before getting straight to their beds, even if they weren't going to sleep anytime soon.

Meanwhile Quinn was doing her nightly rites of removing her make up and selecting the clothes she would use the next day, a long and complicated process by itself, when she heard the dreadful knocking of her sister, and considering how bad things went the last time she came, she almost didn't respond.

"Quinn, can I come in?"

"What do you want?"

"I just want to talk."

"Okay come in, let's get this over with."

Once Daria was inside she went to the side of the bed where she was sitting and sat down at her side, one colorful paper on her left, her trusty notebook on her right. "First things first, here is my copy of The Accords of Highland, stars, comets and unicorns included. We need to see which rules we need to strike down from the records…"

"Like the one were we're not allowed to send a boy to infect the other with cooties?"

"Although originally this one was your idea I can see how it's no longer relevant, especially since I don't have access to Beavis and Butthead anymore." Daria then made a few annotations, in conventional longhand as courtesy to Quinn.

"And let's thank God for that one, okay next."

"This one referring to our private belongings."

"What, the one about the toy chest?"

"Yes, we could amend it to be about the whole room, increase the basic penalty from a dime to ten dollars, and add some exceptions, like whenever the owner of the room is present or gives permission, and in case mom order's us to get something from the room."

"And what would stop you from using the excuse of being ordered by mom to mess with my stuff?"

"Well, first I have never messed up your stuff, that was all you, second I think we could agree that in that case we only take what mom wants and then only if it is in plain sight, if not we leave the room without touching anything and tell mom we couldn't find it, not even when she tells us exactly in which drawer is it."

"I can live with that, so what's next?"

They continued the negotiations for an hour, with some of the points of the agenda directly benefiting Daria, like the rules that limited Quinn's complaints about her appearance to private conversations between both of them, without being able to talk about that with either the Fashion Club nor their parents without her approval; In exchange Daria couldn't talk about her grades in situations where it could increase the pressure on Quinn.

A few of the rules were designed for them to cooperate in issues of common interest. Things like the latest plan of their mother for ruining their free time. In that case, while they could still throw the other to the Lions (paying an automatic fee) they could instead cooperate to save themselves from trouble in the long term and kept their mother on her toes.

Some other rules weren't as clear cut, for example the inability of either of them to tattle (a technical term kept from the original Accords) to the parents unless directly asked about the matter, a rule that in the long term would be better for Quinn as she was more adept at directing conversations, even if in general Daria had less to hide, and she was smart enough to pay for her silence (and there were many rules about how much to pay for lying to either parents, students, or specific persons, and fines that could go for over fifty times the original amount) before Quinn could grasp the full magnitude of the matter.

Quinn was surprised of how much latitude she had managed to extract from Daria regarding both dates and parties, things like blanket silence about what they did with the guys they were dating (as if Daria dated anyone), not telling about their suspicions of how they were using their time, and to be able to pay whenever one of them covered the other from breaking their curfew (when and if their parents started one) by covering for the other the next time. Quinn had to concede many other rules in Daria's benefit but it was worth it.

One rule that Daria set in stone was that in the case that one of them was in danger, then all bets were off and the other could break all the remaining rules. And yes she included as a potential danger things like guys fighting in front her, or being in the middle of a police raid. All examples of Brittany's party much to her disgust.

When it was finally over and her sister was about to leave, she suddenly turned back and gave her a few papers, a couple of photos and some pieces of film, she was about to ask when Daria beat her to it with the answer.

"That's a photo of you and the Fashion Club in front of the Multiplex of the Mall of the Millennium, the little blue paper is the corresponding schedule for this week, which casually changes every Friday, so if necessary I could and still can demonstrate exactly when you were there. If you had tried today to worm your way out of your word regarding the Accords I would have used it, if you had tried to renegotiate the payment for my silence in bad faith, I would have used it, if I had ever the slightest doubt that you would take this seriously I would have used it. But you didn't, so I think that it would be a final gesture of goodwill to give you the photos, the schedule and the negatives, so that you can be sure I'll never use this particular piece of blackmail on you. Good night little sister!" With a quick and unexpected hug Daria left the room with a smile on her face.

When her sister finally went to sleep in her own room Quinn was too tired so after making sure that Daria's little present was carefully hidden in one of her books so that tomorrow she could throw it to a trashcan halfway to school she just turned her lights off and went straight to her bed. Before falling asleep she could only think, 'What a crazy week, I hope that next one is more peaceful.'

I II III IV*

Sorry for the long delay, a combination of author's block and a larger than usual chapter is at fault. I swear that from now on my chapters are going to be smaller. Thank you for your patience, and also thanks to my proofreader peetz5050 for prodding me with a pitchfork when I was lazing around. You should read his excellent steampunk story 'The Aeronauts' id: 8121200

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